The Official 2020 Everything But The Kitchen Sink Post

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

Sounds good! I may be asleep because my schedule has been turned upside down, but I'll reply when I'm conscious.

Condensed version:

Things were kind of off for me from the start, my father more or less abandoned me and my mother when I was 2 so she was taking care of me with my sister (who was 14 at the time) from that point on. However, my mother liked to party and drink and not be the best parent to my sister and I. I don't remember much of that, but as my older sister now says: "Pixie, you got the sick mother, I got the party mom." Because of that anger and hurt, my older sister used to hit my mother when my mom would get drunk. Speaking of sick mother: My mom was diagnosed with emphysema and COPD when I was 5, so I've only ever really known that mom. She was also quite unstable a lot of days (looking back, I see that she was a bipolar borderline--just like me), so there was also that we had to deal with, and she was addicted to lots of things (mainly drinking). When I was 8 she got me taken away from her because of the drinking for a year, so I went to live with my father (still more or less had very little contact with him up until this point). During that time (we all lived in my grandmother's house) my older cousin repeatedly raped and molested me. That was the first time I remember wanting to die. I had my first suicide attempt at 9, then more followed once I hit 12-13 and beyond. My preteen-teenage years consisted of trying to do normal things for my age range, but often taking care of my mother who was either mentally or physically sick and also while being terribly depressed most of the time. I was the mother, she was the daughter..at least it often felt that way. She went into a nursing home right before I turned at (almost 28 now), and died in January of 2012. I miss her a lot but I also have a lot of issues to work through because of the years of trauma that I endured from all of this. I by no means blame her for any of the way I feel about wanting to ctb, but I think that things might have been a little different if I didn't grow up in such an oddly toxic but loving environment. My father came back into my life after my mother passed btw, I don't know where to fit that in. We have a good relationship now for the most part.
This is a tiny fraction of why I am here, but that is what molded me. I have also been subjected to many forms of abuse over the years besides my cousin, so that adds to the mix.

I have since then always at least had some ideations in passing, though usually they are more active than not. I have borderline personality disorder, bipolar type 2, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety, 4 types of PTSD, depression, and I also have Asperger's syndrome.

Last summer was terrible, I got EXTREMELY suicidal (it seemed like out of no where, but I think I've pinpointed the reason now). I ended up spending May-September in and out of psych hospitals trying to fix the issue. During June I was at a hospital that ended up not having a bed for me because I wasn't insured and was being sent home, after driving an hour and a half away to get to and being assured I'd have a bed. I was NOT a happy camper. So I sat there in the mental health hospital's lobby and I started Googling methods. I came across an article about S. Shatto that actually mentioned the website the frequented. I didn't plan on actually joining since I'm really shy, but I wanted to use the search function. I'm glad that I did, because this place has become my home!

I am pming you a response to this right now...

 

[LegaliseIt!]

I do that every night. All night.

But seriously folks, what is the er...PISS xercise?

I

Sorry @Squiddy. First you're throwing up nonstop, now you've got a headache. Could be your depression manifesting itself in physical ways.

Many meds have vomiting and headaches as side effects. Question is: which one of so many?

 

[Jean4]

@BooGirl @Carina

Calif. bill requires colleges to update trans graduates’ names on diplomas

Assemblyman David Chiu said the proposal is intended to combat the barriers that transgender and nonbinary people face at school and in the workplace.

www.nbcnews.com

 

[Squiddy]

I

Many meds have vomiting and headaches as side effects. Question is: which one of so many?

I have no idea, but am on 8 different meds

 

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

wow. thank you SO SO much for this. i am sorry (there is no good word. "sorry" sounds dumb as hell when it comes to this) that you lost your husband and for the illnesses and for no one believing you. i feel so much empathy and find a lot of the things that you said relatable.

i actually have so much to say in response to this. i want to give this the time it deserves and be thorough so im going to respond comprehensively tomorrow. thank you so much for welcoming me, sharing this, and i look forward to us being able to be here for each other. Hugs.

 

[Carina]

@BooGirl @Carina

Calif. bill requires colleges to update trans graduates’ names on diplomas

Assemblyman David Chiu said the proposal is intended to combat the barriers that transgender and nonbinary people face at school and in the workplace.

www.nbcnews.com

oh cool... granted I just assumed they've done that forever lol. Probably as that's done in other states, all my trans friends have had theirs changed as soon as their names were legally changed!

 

[Jean4]

oh cool... granted I just assumed they've done that forever lol. Probably as that's done in other states, all my trans friends have had theirs changed as soon as their names were legally changed!

Nooo. This is going to be

oh cool... granted I just assumed they've done that forever lol. Probably as that's done in other states, all my trans friends have had theirs changed as soon as their names were legally changed!

nnnnooo. They will re issue new diplomas with the Trans person's name on it. Colleges put the given name even if legally changed.

 

[Squiddy]

@BlueWidow , I bought that 100 pc chocolate for $20. I just had to have it even though I've never had Godiva chocolate (apparently, I pronounced it wrong according to my mom )

 

[Carina]

Nooo. This is going to be

nnnnooo. They will re issue new diplomas with the Trans person's name on it. Colleges put the given name even if legally changed.

Odd thing... let's see... In Illinois birth certificates can't have gender marker changed without sex change surgery (intersex people are screwed potentially) [despite being 'blue']--and a name change is sometimes fought and needs a dr's note, in Indiana, where marijuana is the devils weed, if a name is changed legally, the birth certificate gender and name can be changed by a court order from a name change (think both, at least one can, but believe friends said they had both).


point being sometimes the 'progressive' states seem backwards on those things it seems....

 

[LegaliseIt!]

@Underscore
The PISS exercise can be useful if you are facing hours of anxiety.
Do each part for 15 minutes.
This will PISS away an hour that you would otherwise spend in less constructive ways.
P= Do something Physical for 15 minutes.
Walk. Beat up a pillow. Dance. Stretch.
I= Do something Intellectual for 15 minutes.
Crossword. Sudoku. Gaming. Anagrams.
S= Do something Social for 15 minutes.
Text a friend. Smoke weed with a friend. Participate in forum threads here. PM a new member to welcome them.
S= Do some self care for 15 minutes.
Eyebrows. Nose hair. Fingernails. Toenails. Shower. Meditation. Breathing exercises.
PISS requires imagination to make it better/unique for you, but it is such a relief when you have PISS'ed your way!
There!
You've just PISS'ed away an hour that would have gone to anxiety, panic, or self-harm.
I've been PISSing away panic since the 1980's.

 

[Carina]

@BlueWidow , I bought that 100 pc chocolate for $20. I just had to have it even though I've never had Godiva chocolate (apparently, I pronounced it wrong according to my mom )

did you pronounce go-diva or god-iva?

The PISS exercise can be useful if you are facing hours of anxiety.
Do each part for 15 minutes.
This will PISS away an hour that you would otherwise spend in less constructive ways.
P= Do something Physical for 15 minutes.
Walk. Beat up a pillow. Dance. Stretch.
I= Do something Intellectual for 15 minutes.
Crossword. Sudoku. Gaming. Anagrams.
S= Do something Social for 15 minutes.
Text a friend. Smoke weed with a friend. Participate in forum threads here. PM a new member to welcome them.
S= Do some self care for 15 minutes.
Eyebrows. Nose hair. Fingernails. Toenails. Shower. Meditation. Breathing exercises.
PISS requires imagination to make it better/unique for you, but it is such a relief when you have PISS'ed your way!
There!
You've just PISS'ed away an hour that would have gone to anxiety, panic, or self-harm.
I've been PISSing away panic since the 1980's.

oh.... I thought it was something else.... I liked my version better tbh. lol

 

[BlueWidow]

@BlueWidow , I bought that 100 pc chocolate for $20. I just had to have it even though I've never had Godiva chocolate (apparently, I pronounced it wrong according to my mom )

I just looked it up and because it's originally from Belgium, there they pronounce it "Go-DEE-Vuh". But in the United States & the UK, most people pronounce it "God-EYE-Vuh". Apparently both pronunciations are correct, but as new stores open in new markets, employees tend to pronounce it the Belgian way, to honor the company's roots, explained the chief chocolatier, Philippe Duae.
So there you go, you can pronounce it either way. I guess it depends on where you're from how you pronounce it.

 

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

An idiosyncratic paradoxical response. I get that with Benedryl.

Quoting song from RHPS: "Let's Do the Time Warp Again"

LOL!

So that is the name of it! I get that way with codeine. It knocks most people out...or chills them out but it makes me a hyper manic lady!

 

[Carina]

I just looked it up and because it's originally from Belgium, there they pronounce it "Go-DEE-Vuh". But in the United States & the UK, most people pronounce it "God-EYE-Vuh". Apparently both pronunciations are correct, but as new stores open in new markets, employees tend to pronounce it the Belgian way, to honor the company's roots, explained the chief chocolatier, Philippe Duae.
So there you go, you can pronounce it either way. I guess it depends on where you're from how you pronounce it.

I pronouce it "delicious get in my mouth omg why are you so tiny and expensive" lol

 

[BlueWidow]

I pronouce it "delicious get in my mouth omg why are you so tiny and expensive" lol

This deal is not bad though It's a 2 pound bag of individually wrapped chocolates for $19.99. I got it on Amazon. It contains three different gourmet chocolates: dark chocolate ganache hearts, mint ganache, and milk chocolate caramel filled lions. It says there's about 100 pieces in each bag.

 

[departing]

I gave in and ordered.

Amazon product ASIN B081QRBF9R

 

[Carina]

This deal is not bad though It's a 2 pound bag of individually wrapped chocolates for $19.99. I got it on Amazon. It contains three different gourmet chocolates: dark chocolate ganache hearts, mint ganache, and milk chocolate caramel filled lions. It says there's about 100 pieces in each bag.

Oh I did order that one.... I mean find that one....

ok I ordered it... ugh...

 

[BlueWidow]

I gave in and ordered.

Amazon product ASIN B081QRBF9R

How did you get that link to work? It wouldn't work for me yesterday. It could be my stupid Internet connection. I swear to God, I pay $70 a month for Internet and it doesn't work right about half the time, but there's no other Internet service where I'm located. I'm stuck with these people!

 

[porfin1234]

Mmmm chocolate. I used to eat a piece of 100% dark chocolate every day. Those were the days.

 

[Carina]

it's a good thing the other thing I almost impulse bought wasn't cheap otherwise I would've had it coming lol. chocolate I can at least justify rofl

 

[Squiddy]

did you pronounce go-diva or god-iva?

oh.... I thought it was something else.... I liked my version better tbh. lol

I pronounced it go-diva

I just looked it up and because it's originally from Belgium, there they pronounce it "Go-DEE-Vuh". But in the United States & the UK, most people pronounce it "God-EYE-Vuh". Apparently both pronunciations are correct, but as new stores open in new markets, employees tend to pronounce it the Belgian way, to honor the company's roots, explained the chief chocolatier, Philippe Duae.
So there you go, you can pronounce it either way. I guess it depends on where you're from how you pronounce it.

Oh ok

I gave in and ordered.

Amazon product ASIN B081QRBF9R

Nice, that's the exact one I ordered

 

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

wow. thank you SO SO much for this. i am sorry (there is no good word. "sorry" sounds dumb as hell when it comes to this) that you lost your husband and for the illnesses and for no one believing you. i feel so much empathy and find a lot of the things that you said relatable.

i actually have so much to say in response to this. i want to give this the time it deserves and be thorough so im going to respond comprehensively tomorrow. thank you so much for welcoming me, sharing this, and i look forward to us being able to be here for each other. Hugs.

I am sorry about the brian fog. I fully relate to this. I feel confused all the time, i cant hold on to a thought half the time, a dmy memory is terrrrrible. Have you tried anythign that helped w your brain fog?

Hello @Lady Lazarus 2020,

I am @BlueWidow. I've been here since October. I've been depressed for most of my life and I've spent a lot of that time attempting to get help for my depression and other mental issues. I've been through numerous treatments, medications, and therapists and nothing has ever made me feel better. Yet every time I go to the doctor all they offer me is yet another medication that didn't work for me before and advice to go back into therapy. After 36 years of that, I'm just done with it now. Then about 25 years ago I developed Hashimoto's thyroiditis, which is an auto immune disorder where your own body attacks your thyroid causing you to get hypothyroidism. For the first 13 or so years, I was given Synthroid, which is the common treatment the doctors give to everyone. The problem is that my body doesn't process Synthroid, so I might as well have not been taking any medication at all. Despite the fact that I was getting no better and my symptoms were continuing to get worse and I was begging every doctor I saw for years and years to put me on a different medicine, none of them would agree to. I was told over and over that my symptoms were not caused by my thyroid and that it was all in my head and so forth. Finally in 2009, I got so sick I couldn't get out of bed. I was sleeping up to 22 hours a day. I became extremely dizzy. I became extremely exhausted to the point where no amount of sleep would make me feel well rested, and I had numerous aches and pains and other symptoms. One of the worst symptoms was the severe brain fog. I couldn't focus on anything or think clearly. Still I couldn't get any doctor to believe I had a problem. When I sought help from conventional medical doctors- all I got was called names like liar, and hypochondriac. They treated me like I was asking them for heroin or cocaine when all I wanted was a natural thyroid drug that would actually work on my particular body since my body doesn't process the Synthroid that they've been pushing on me for years correctly. Then all the stress of all that caused me to develop chronic fatigue syndrome. Finally I went to an alternative medical clinic and I got some help, but it was expensive and, in the end, the money I was spending was not equal to the amount of help I was getting. And I didn't really have that kind of money to keep spending if I wasn't going to feel any better than what they were making me feel. Then in 2012, my husband was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. My husband was the only thing that ever brought me out of my depression and made me want to live. He gave me a reason to live and he was my life. I spent 5 years taking care of him while he had cancer and put all my own health issues on the back burner. He passed away on October 15, 2017 and I died that day as well. Since then my life has been a living nightmare and all I want is to be with my husband. I spent the first year after his death sorting through his belongings and preparing to move cross country completely alone because most of his family abandoned me and wouldn't help me with anything. I have no members of my own family left because they're all dead, except for a few that I wouldn't want in my life anyway.
I've made 3 or 4 suicide attempts since my husband died trying to overdose on pills and I failed every time. Luckily, I live alone and nobody noticed what I had done. That's when I started searching for different methods. That's when I stumbled on this website last summer and I spent several months wasting my time trying to perfect the "night night method". Then I finally realized that was just not going to work for me, so I decided to join the forum to find a different method. That's when I found SN. I also found that there are a lot of compassionate and caring people on this site and I've been overwhelmed by the support and kindness I've received here that I never received in my real life. It's very liberating to be able to discuss my true feelings about depression and suicide in an open forum without people jumping to conclusions and being afraid someone's going to haul me off to the psych ward. That's just a nutshell version of my life. Actually, there's a lot more that I could tell you, but it would take pages and pages and pages.
So anyway, welcome to the forum and welcome to the Kitchen Sink thread.
_____________________________

i'm so sorry to hear about your mother. My mother died when I was only 3. Then I lost my older sister who was like a second mother to me when I was 13. Then my father died when I was 21. I've lost a lot of people in my life so I can certainly relate.

I'm originally from the Midwestern part of the United States, though I now live on the west coast- only because that's the part of the country my husband was from and I let his sister talk me into letting his bring his ashes back here. It was a bad decision. I never should've let her bring him back here because now I'm forced to live here even though I don't really like it very much.

pming you now...

 

[departing]

How did you get that link to work? It wouldn't work for me yesterday. It could be my stupid Internet connection. I swear to God, I pay $70 a month for Internet and it doesn't work right about half the time, but there's no other Internet service where I'm located. I'm stuck with these people!

I talked nicely to the computer and spoke in a soothing voice. If I yell at it, it shows me who is boss. :-)

It stinks that you have just one internet company. Competition makes for a better product.

 

[BlueWidow]

it's a good thing the other thing I almost impulse bought wasn't cheap otherwise I would've had it coming lol. chocolate I can at least justify rofl

You were discussing in another post how you bought a bunch of soda (or pop depending on what part of the country you're from) And a bunch of other things that you didn't need. I just looked in my cupboard and I've also got all kinds of soda, coffee, chips and other snack type things, and lots of sugar substitute for my coffee. I'm telling you my diet is like a 12-year-old!
Well, a 12-year-old who drinks lots of coffee!

 

[Carina]

I talked nicely to the computer and spoke in a soothing voice. If I yell at it, it shows me who is boss. :-)

It stinks that you have just one internet company. Competition makes for a better product.

Unless you have "competition" like in my area.
Company #1--12 down/12up $40/month
Company #2--250down/25up $100/month (or 25/12 at $40)

You were discussing in another post how you bought a bunch of soda (or pop depending on what part of the country you're from) And a bunch of other things that you didn't need. I just looked in my cupboard and I've also got all kinds of soda, coffee, chips and other snack type things, and lots of sugar substitute for my coffee. I'm telling you my diet is like a 12-year-old!
Well, a 12-year-old who drinks lots of coffee!

Yeah... ok yeah I did that too... omg I impulse buy a lot... holy crap.... never realized this.

probably because others never noticed and I never really tracked it!

 

[BlueWidow]

I talked nicely to the computer and spoke in a soothing voice. If I yell at it, it shows me who is boss. :-)

It stinks that you have just one internet company. Competition makes for a better product.

The irony is that I live on the West Coast where Silicon Valley and all of these tech companies have their businesses, yet I can't get decent Internet service! And it's not like I'm in a backwoods town either. I'm in a fairly large area here, but there's no real competition. I think there may be one or two other companies, but they charge the same price and I've heard they're just as bad or worse than the one I've already got.

 

[Squiddy]

Here on the East coast in a rural area, we used to have no service and had to use our 4G. Now, there's one internet company here. My family still uses 4G though because they don't want to get the internet service.

 

[Carina]

I"ve bought 10 things on amazon alone in the past 4 weeks.... 10....
2 things from another place... omg...
but also went to get other things I just wanted on top... so let's just say 13+ things bought in the past 4 weeks alone.

most bought within the past week or so...

Here on the East coast in a rural area, we used to have no service and had to use our 4G. Now, there's one internet company here. My family still uses 4G though because they don't want to get the internet service.

I know some people that use their phone for internet, and they actually (used to before I started paying like $125/month at least) had better speeds than I did!

 

[departing]

The irony is that I live on the West Coast where Silicon Valley and all of these tech companies have their businesses, yet I can't get decent Internet service! And it's not like I'm in a backwoods town either. I'm in a fairly large area here, but there's no real competition. I think there may be one or two other companies, but they charge the same price and I've heard they're just as bad or worse than the one I've already got.

I live on the East Coast near a major city and we have plenty of 'real' competition. One company rolled out gigabit-speed internet and the rest followed with insanely high speeds. They want me to subscribe to their fastest speed. I need SS to load in a semi-second? I'm patient... I'll wait. :-)

 

[Carina]

I live on the East Coast near a major city and we have plenty of 'real' competition. One company rolled out gigabit-speed internet and the rest followed with insanely high speeds. They want me to subscribe to their fastest speed. I need SS to load in a semi-second? I'm patient... I'll wait. :-)

I want it to load before the posters know what they want to post! heehee. But yeah, really the fastest speeds are normally only good if you have a lot of people. it's kind of recommended by places that if you have like 5-6 people you need 1gb internet given the computers, tablets, phones, streaming, etc done non-stop lol