I understand this feeling.
I don't think it'd be fair for me to pursue an official relationship with anyone because it's impossible for me to know for sure that I won't end up still feeling this way and leaving them in an abrupt and very final manner by ctb.
But I long for the bond often anyway, and intensely. I think it must just be human nature. I often wonder if being loved by someone would "save" me, but that's probably fruitless. My lack of appeal to everyone around me and the fact I've never been loved that way does contribute to my abysmal self worth, which probably also contributes to my desire to ctb, so I think it's probably connected in some ways. But despite that, I think I'm going to want to ctb no matter what. I've felt this way for so long I can't imagine a relationship changing it.
i get you on the saved part, though it's our place to learn how to save ourselves. it would be great if someone could just take our pain away
im sorry you've never been loved that way
Oh, how I wish to have a significant other, especially in these lonely and cold saturday nights.
To long, to crave, to yearn for something unreachable like being loved is really painful.
Unlike you, OP, it's one of my main reasons to want to ctb. Wish it wasn't like that, though. Would love and companionship change my motivation to abandon this world? I wonder...
for real! having a cuddle partner with a special bound at night when it's so cold and lonesome..... can only imagine
it must be hard for it to be a main reason, it must hurt and your heart must ache a lot. im sorry to read it's your main reason for wanting to ctb. i hope for you that you find your special someone
I'm in a relationship, and he has been the reason why I haven't killed myself. If I wasn't with him, I would have had the courage to finally kill myself. I'm in emotional purgatory. I'm still depressed, even with family and a fiance who loves me. There's no escape from this pain.
i feel you on the no escape. i've been in a relationship but still i wanted to die. didn't attempt since i was with someone, but the crave was still there. so i understand you and i still hope you'll find your escape
I'm here now cuz I'm stressed over feeling ignored by my best friend. I don't need romantic love, never really have and that's become moreso after two stressful relationships, but still always felt that desperate need to be loved, always got too attached to friends, always got my heart broken by the people closest to me... I think I may be overreacting with my best friend but even that, I'm fucking annoying to deal with and whatever I get is never enough which just makes me wanna die more to spare everyone else my bullshit. My best friend cares, I know he does, and I don't wanna stress him out criticizing him over shit he's not even doing because I'm that stupidly needy.
you're not stupidly needy, you just have some emotional dysregulation, need to be reassured or whatever you have, i cant know. but from what i read it reminds me of myself when i have a fp, obviously it can be not that. eitherway boo you're being so harsh with yourself :(
Love is my primary motivator for living and dying. It gives me extreme highs and lows, of which I'm in the lowest state I've been before. I don't think I can take much more of it. I lost someone I love so deeply and I feel like I can't exist without them by my side.
omg it's Phi hi Phi
oh im so sorry to read about that. i hope you can find some balance on how to rebuild yourself, or some peace. depends on your choice but eitherway i wish you what's best for yourself
Going through something similar right now where I feel like a burden due to my neediness and sensitivity towards the one I'm most attached to. I think that we just have to let ourselves trust those we love when they say they don't mind, but it's hard to do so.
i think you're right on everything
I wish I could turn off my need and want for people. I sorta envy people with Schizoid Personality Disorder because they don't need people in order to survive. I hate that I want people. I wish I could turn off the part of my brain that wants people, then I wouldn't have to deal with most of the pain I'm experiencing now. People are just too painful, the desire for validation and love is just too painful, it eats away of my soul and fucks with me. I just want it to stop.
:( im sorry you're going through all this pain
