Story The love of my live married someone else

[istherehope]

I left the man I loved because he probably has borderline personality disorder and I couldn't cope with the fights and turmoil. I hoped he would able to change for us to reconnect in a healthier and stronger way.
I've never found someone I loved as much, I had several relationships but I realised I loved him more than anything.
When I came back, I learned that he has married someone else. He still says he has never experienced a love like this and never will. He told me he married someone for stability but they don't share a lot of things together. They don't have a sexuality either.
He would like to see me again but I'm heartbroken and I don't know what to do.

 

[bankai]

My honest perspective is this. It seems like he's trying to rekindle something with you. This is definitely going to lead to an affair. The fact that he expressed a lack of sex with his significant other is alluding to this as well.

You're going to have to decide if you want to enter into an affair with a married man, I suppose. I won't act as moral police. You can decide for yourself, but please understand. There's not really any future anymore with this person most likely.

But I'm sorry for your unrequited love though

 

[enjoytheride]

What bankai says sounds reasonable. If you and him believe that a relationship between you can work this time, without the turmoil, perhaps it would only be wise to engage with him again if he divorces. But then - if things don't go as well as planned afterwards, you will probably be blamed in whole or partially for him losing his (stable) marriage. I don't know. I hope all goes well for you!

 

[istherehope]

I think you're right @bankai, he definitely wants an affair and apparently his wife is okay with that. But I don't want that. I don't know if I should stop talking to him, stopping it gave me pretty bad suicidal ideation. But I don't know if he would leave his marriage if we spent time together either. So I'm lost and deeply hurt.

Edit: he begged me for us to get back together before I learned about him getting married but I didn't want to because he hasn't changed. He told me he would never have gotten married if I had say I would.
I deeply miss him and it seems unbearable to stay.

 

[enjoytheride]

I've never found someone I loved as much

P.S.: perhaps underpinning this belief is a sort of a past-future bias. This has been the person with whom you've had the best relationship so far. But unwittingly you may be inferring that you can't possibly meet anyone else who might make you feel the same way or even better. This would be a logical fallacy, because it could be true, but not necessarily - like in the case of the white swan paradox. You have only seen white swans, but you cannot conclude that black swans do not exist out there.

 

[istherehope]

P.S.: perhaps underpinning this belief is a sort of a past-future bias. This has been the person with whom you've had the best relationship so far. But unwittingly you may be inferring that you can't possibly meet anyone else who might make you feel the same way or even better. This would be a logical fallacy, because it could be true, but not necessarily - like in the case of the white swan paradox. You have only seen white swans, but you cannot conclude that black swans do not exist out there.

That's what I try to tell myself rationally. But I tried for years, went into several relationships but still miss this connection. It was unique and now it's lost.

 

[bankai]

I think you're right @bankai, he definitely wants an affair and apparently his wife is okay with that. But I don't want that. I don't know if I should stop talking to him, stopping it gave me pretty bad suicidal ideation. But I don't know if he would leave his marriage if we spent time together either. So I'm lost and deeply hurt.

Edit: he begged me for us to get back together before I learned about him getting married but I didn't want to because he hasn't changed. He told me he would never have gotten married if I had say I would.
I deeply miss him and it seems unbearable to stay.

I saw your edit. I'm sorry. He's probably suffering too, but he chose to not make you a part of his life.
He chose to make a conscious decision to marry someone else for stability
I'm not going to just assume he's some heartless Individual that's trying to take advantage of you.

But I definitely feel that this is going to hurt you in the long run. Please take care. Hugs and blessings.

Please try to find someone else who can take care of you better?If that's not possible, it's better to be alone

I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear.But I'm sorry, in general, you deserve better.

 

[istherehope]

I saw your edit. I'm sorry. He's probably suffering too, but he chose to not make you a part of his life.
He chose to make a conscious decision to marry someone else for stability
I'm not going to just assume he's some heartless Individual that's trying to take advantage of you.

But I definitely feel that this is going to hurt you in the long run. Please take care. Hugs and blessings.

Please try to find someone else who can take care of you better?If that's not possible, it's better to be alone

I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear.But I'm sorry, in general, you deserve better.

Thank you, that's very kind ! I know I deserve someone that treats me right. Unfortunately I think I will probably end up escaping this world if I can't be with him in this lifetime. He was the only person to truly understand me. I feel so lost in this world now.

 

[Dejected 55]

I think no matter how you slice it... this man didn't seem to want you when he could have had you... and he left you to fend for yourself... and then he married someone else... and now claims to want you back? That's not going to go well for you, and it shouldn't. A person (man or woman) who would leave like he did and who would be so willing to cheat like he is, will never be fully with you and will always be open to leave again. There is no reason to let that man into your life. Hurt as it likely does, you are better off without him particularly at this point.

I've never been in that situation. I can't even get dates. But I've always said, if someone cheated on me that would be the end. Doesn't matter if I still felt for them, I could never trust them again. It also works if they cheat on someone else to be with you. They are never really with you and once they are willing to cheat they are always willing to cheat.

 

[Beavisandbutthead]

If you are willing to give hum a chance, will he do the same for you? Will he leave his wife for you? Or will you be happy with being just his affair?

 

[istherehope]

I think no matter how you slice it... this man didn't seem to want you when he could have had you... and he left you to fend for yourself... and then he married someone else... and now claims to want you back? That's not going to go well for you, and it shouldn't. A person (man or woman) who would leave like he did and who would be so willing to cheat like he is, will never be fully with you and will always be open to leave again. There is no reason to let that man into your life. Hurt as it likely does, you are better off without him particularly at this point.

I've never been in that situation. I can't even get dates. But I've always said, if someone cheated on me that would be the end. Doesn't matter if I still felt for them, I could never trust them again. It also works if they cheat on someone else to be with you. They are never really with you and once they are willing to cheat they are always willing to cheat.

He didn't cheat on me, I left him and he married someone else after that because I told him I couldn't get back with him if he had the same issues with his behaviour (agressivity, fights).
It's not really an affair I guess because his wife is asexual and allows him to have a partner. But I don't want to become like this after all that we've shared, for sure.

 

[Dejected 55]

He didn't cheat on me, I left him and he married someone else after that because I told him I couldn't get back with him if he had the same issues with his behaviour (agressivity, fights).
It's not really an affair I guess because his wife is asexual and allows him to have a partner. But I don't want to be become like this after all that we've shared.

He's married now... Did his wife tell you it's okay for him to sleep with you? Or did he tell you that. Lots of married people will say "I have an open marriage" but they don't. My point was, he is married and if you allow him back with you now then he is cheating on that marriage to be with you and also you will only have a fraction of a relationship. So there's never any real chance you'd ever have all of him in the way you might want.

I didn't mean he cheated on you previously... I'm saying if he is willing to cheat on his wife now, he'll cheat on you later. In fact, if he is telling the truth about an open marriage, then you can bet he already is sleeping with other women already and you would just be one of several options for him. That's just not something anyone should want to subject themselves to, especially if you have any residual feelings for him. It's a fast track to more pain down the road.

 

[istherehope]

He's married now... Did his wife tell you it's okay for him to sleep with you? Or did he tell you that. Lots of married people will say "I have an open marriage" but they don't. My point was, he is married and if you allow him back with you now then he is cheating on that marriage to be with you and also you will only have a fraction of a relationship. So there's never any real chance you'd ever have all of him in the way you might want.

I didn't mean he cheated on you previously... I'm saying if he is willing to cheat on his wife now, he'll cheat on you later. In fact, if he is telling the truth about an open marriage, then you can bet he already is sleeping with other women already and you would just be one of several options for him. That's just not something anyone should want to subject themselves to, especially if you have any residual feelings for him. It's a fast track to more pain down the road.

It's a bit weird but yes she accepts it and he doesn't want to "cheat" with other people, only with me because I think he still has feelings for me. He also wants us to share things about our interests, conversations we had etc. It's messed up but he told me I was the love of his life and I think he still loves me but doesn't want to fully realise it and treat me right.

Edit: maybe people with BPD could get it and give me some advice ? He has also been diagnosed with bipolar II, I'm not sure that's what he has though. I don't have a personality disorder so I struggle to understand some of his actions.

 

[hippiedeath]

Do what's right for you. Being used is probably not what is right for you. You deserve respect. If someone treats you like an option or a possession, is that love or just being used?

 

[Linda]

I left the man I loved because he probably has borderline personality disorder and I couldn't cope with the fights and turmoil. I hoped he would able to change for us to reconnect in a healthier and stronger way.
I've never found someone I loved as much, I had several relationships but I realised I loved him more than anything.
When I came back, I learned that he has married someone else. He still says he has never experienced a love like this and never will. He told me he married someone for stability but they don't share a lot of things together. They don't have a sexuality either.
He would like to see me again but I'm heartbroken and I don't know what to do.

Be careful. If it didn't work first time round, the odds are that it won't work second time either. (I have seen exceptions to that, but they are less common.)

I think your safest option is to move on and find someone else.

The love of my life married someone else too. But then I found someone better. We have been together - and very happily so - for 42 years.