whisperjump
i am the thing i've tried to kill over 8 times now
- Sep 9, 2023
- 28
i really did not want to post this due to the resolution of last time, but my cat Lullabye has gone missing again. I have a sneaking suspicion this is going to be the last time. when she was gone before, she was gone for 3 days, and it has been a whole week. she got out right before a blizzard hit our town hard, one so powerful it was blowing trees over and knocking down tons of fence. she hasn't come back since.
i feel so stupid and immature to be complaining about this again, crying about a curious cat likely surveilling the neighborhood away from its overprotective and clingy owner. my depression was getting much worse the past few months due to no specific event, and now i feel like it was foreshadowing for this.
our other family cat has been taking her place in her favorite resting spots, and showing up in my room more often to eat from her food bowl. i've done so many things i did last time and more, but my baby girl is gone. i went around the entire neighborhood twice in the freezing cold, tirelessly searching through every vacant house i could climb my way into, calling her name every few meters. she was nowhere. she hasn't come.
i can't do anything without her, having no motivation to work out and going through too much grief that causes me to binge. i feel horrible, like all the life has been sucked out of me now that she isn't here. i keep petting the air next to me. she isn't here and it fucking hurts. i've been tearing myself up selfharm-wise and confiding in those around me has proven to do nothing for me. i lay in bed and i do nothing but think about her. i miss her so bad, and i keep watching the videos i have saved of her on my phone. its torture, but its all that keeps my interest. i walk around 0 degree weather looking for her almost every day. i feel useless. i feel helpless. i feel hopeless. i feel all of these things and nothing, and that 'nothing' takes form of a thick smog inside me. it's going to kill me. i've already attempted recently before chickening out. i don't know what to do without her but die.
i feel so stupid and immature to be complaining about this again, crying about a curious cat likely surveilling the neighborhood away from its overprotective and clingy owner. my depression was getting much worse the past few months due to no specific event, and now i feel like it was foreshadowing for this.
our other family cat has been taking her place in her favorite resting spots, and showing up in my room more often to eat from her food bowl. i've done so many things i did last time and more, but my baby girl is gone. i went around the entire neighborhood twice in the freezing cold, tirelessly searching through every vacant house i could climb my way into, calling her name every few meters. she was nowhere. she hasn't come.
i can't do anything without her, having no motivation to work out and going through too much grief that causes me to binge. i feel horrible, like all the life has been sucked out of me now that she isn't here. i keep petting the air next to me. she isn't here and it fucking hurts. i've been tearing myself up selfharm-wise and confiding in those around me has proven to do nothing for me. i lay in bed and i do nothing but think about her. i miss her so bad, and i keep watching the videos i have saved of her on my phone. its torture, but its all that keeps my interest. i walk around 0 degree weather looking for her almost every day. i feel useless. i feel helpless. i feel hopeless. i feel all of these things and nothing, and that 'nothing' takes form of a thick smog inside me. it's going to kill me. i've already attempted recently before chickening out. i don't know what to do without her but die.
