Discussion The lack of purpose, radicalization, And escapism

[Erebus]

As of now I am 25. I am nowhere in life. I'm a complete fuckup. I've been handed every opportunity I could get. I just failed to make anything out of it. I know it's not my genetics. everyone in my family has done better than me. I know it's not opportunity, I have several family members who are in upper management of two different huge multinationals. I know I'm only going downhill. I dropped out of the top university in my country during covid. Since then I've just slided more and more downhill.

I used to work my ass off but ever since I dropped out it's like I'm living some kind of weird parody of my own life. Nothing matters anymore. I feel that my brain is degrading. I did an IQ test recently and I scored 20 points below what I did a few years ago. I feel no purpose at all. No foresight anymore. No ambition I just want to escape. I don't want people to see me. I'm going to college but I just can't focus. A few weeks back I just decided to walk home instead of going. It's more than an 8 hour walk. I just followed road signs. I feel like I wake up, and can't focus on a thing. There's no reason for me to still be here I just live day to day, No consideration for the future.

Even my ex girlfriend who I never considered to be smart is now outperforming me. I just don't feel like there's a way for me to function properly in this world. I have ASD. I I see the world different from most people.

A few weeks back I could have lost my virginity. I was sleeping over in my best friends bed. I know that if I made a move she would have had sex with me. But she'd have sex with anyone. What's the worth in that? We had cuddled before. Don't ask me why but I know she was down for it. It just made me feel sad. I don't want that. I want someone who just wants me. I want monogamy, the feeling of being needed and necessary to someone, the same way I feel the longing for one person to be mine. Idk, the whole ordeal has made me feel weird. I think I'm just not suited for girls.

The last few months I've been feeling like I am growing more and more radical in my thought. I've always been more left-leaning but many of my ideas have turned more conservative. Especially concerning free-speech.
I'm also feeling a sense of hatred towards women, people call it misogyny whenever I turn on the television and I see them discussing feminism for the 999th time I just feel anger. Why do these people get priority treatment in everything? Why are the problems I face never addressed? I feel so much hatred inside. It's mostly because of the hypocrisy I've seen firsthand. Female professors giving off-hand sexist statements about guys being dumb and girls being so much smarter. (even when my grades were 30% higher than the highest scoring girl in our class) Yet I've never spotted any male profs being openly sexist. Then there was university where female profs would waste so much time on barely relevant feminist's icon's. When it comes to women, I sometimes wish I could just live in a world where I don't have to deal with them at all. Where all facets of life are separated

Anyway, it's like I'm looking at myself spiraling away. like I'm slipping more and more into a primordial state of being. I don't like where it's going I feel like a spectator looking at a version of myself that is controlled mostly by impulses and emotions.

I know there are people who probably have it a lot worse than me. I don't really think I want to end it. However, I can't stay in this state of limbo either.
Lately my only real aspirations have been escapism. There are two very prominent thoughts in my mind. And both involve just leaving everything and everyone behind.
I've been flirting with the idea of just jumping on a train to France and signing up to the French foreign legion. I just want meaning in my life. The feeling of living, adventure. and not having to think about anything but the present. The other desire I've had has been similarly nihilistic in nature. Walking to Santiago de compostella. Just spending one or two months where every day i walk from tavern to tavern. Until i finally reach Spain. nothing to think about or to worry about. Just walking. I'm not even religious.. I just want a purpose to wake up.

Has anyone else here ever considered either of these? Would you feel a similar allure towards something like that?

 

[parader]

I just don't feel like there's a way for me to function properly in this world.
(...)
I just want meaning in my life.
(...)
I'm not even religious.. I just want a purpose to wake up.

i can relate to this so much it actually hurts
i recently went under a professional evaluation for my disorder after a decade of different (failed) treatments
the only "decisive things" they got on me after 3 months of exhausting examination was "intellectual giftedness", alcoholism and bpd
i told my psychiatrist this week that i find so many things in life fascinating, nature, science, religion, anthropology, everything
i love learning and studying, just for the sake of it, i wish i could learn it all about the universe, god (if there's even one)
i told him i'm a suicidal person that wish i could live forever just because i want to see the end of the world
but my wish is not strong enough to make ends meet or life worth living, and i've had the best opportunities ever
having this in mind, i wish for nothing, i have no ambition, nothing even close to a dream or purpose
to my family, i'm the definition of "oh such wasted potential, i could do just about anything if i had such wits why don't you try harder"
and yet they have the determination, resilience, dreams... i lack all of this, i was born with a broken compass i don't have a "north" to follow
my father did the Santiago de Compostella journey and he loved it, i'd love to do it too, damn i'd love to die trying for Everest climbing with no skills whatsoever
i love everything about life that i can't make a living out of, i just don't fit in this reality, i can barely leave my house without panicking
and realizing that is... well sad
i'm still searching for meaning, i don't know how long i can survive this search, it's ongoing since 2015, but i'm still living and thus i'm still searching
i hope it's worth it and i hope that you can find the strength to do what's right for you
i'd say go for it, if we're all going to die anyway, better first try living everything that catches your attention, travels, drugs, whatever

edit: spelling, not my mother tongue :'')

 

[Hikoo]

In my opinion, your age doesn't change much unless you're extremely old. Your perception that you might be getting dumber is merely because you're rusty. The moment you start studying again and develop habits that enhance your intellectual capacity, you'll return to being how you were before or even better. The real challenge lies in creating those habits. As for your problems with women and relationships, you're not wrong. Our society is sick, and it's negatively affecting both men and women. You begin to think that you hate women because they don't want anything to do with you, but they don't want anything to do with you because society imposes on them the notion that you're not good enough or that being in a monogamous relationship with you isn't worth it.
Sometimes I think about doing something similar to what you desire. Serving in a foreign army as cannon fodder or simply wandering aimlessly around the world. I won't say it's a bad idea if you have nothing to lose.

 

[BloomingRose]

As a person without any goals in life, I am just existing here for a while, making peace with my situation. I don't know for how long I will keep going like this but if it will be the right time I will just disappear.
Society treats some people better and some worse. I often feel like an outcast and kind of an alien, someone that is not really a human. I don't really conect with anyone. There are a lot of other people who are outcasts and there isn't anyone helping them. This is just how this society works...
At some point everyone wishes they have purpose in life, myself included. It would be really nice to actually be needed. Some people think they found their purpose, some are still searching, some gave up. Neither of this option is right or wrong. It's personal feeling. I personally gave up because I am tired, as searching and learning anything new will just completely drain me from my energy. I'll just stick to what I have for now and try to distract myself with things that I think I enjoy.
And to close up my train of thoughts, yeah I think there are a lot of people struggling with the topic of meaning of life.

 

[SexyIncél]

Has anyone else here ever considered either of these? Would you feel a similar allure towards something like that?

Yes, definitely. Life's too short to spend your life in a corporate machine. The mind turns off if there's nothing worth doing

Want to fight in a meaningful war? I suggest Rojava — in north Syria. You're sick of the bullshit feminists around you? Maybe these are a kind you'll like: radical democratic eco-feminists. Defeating ISIS child sex-slavers, fighting freedom-hating fascists

Or if you have other skills, they'd love a hand. They have more important things to do than just "liberate" women to be smug sadistic teachers

Or you could join the french foreign legion. But do you want to be France's cop, beating up people in their old colonies?

The fascists are better armed. But fighters in Rojava still win, because they're fighting for a great cause. Fascist soldiers need to be drugged up & promised 69 virgins in heaven — because their only purpose is to fight & die for their childfucking commanders

These people have something worth fighting for: