the irony of what's keeping me alive

[TheHolySword]

I'm struggling to do everything. To wake up, to get out of bed, to go to work, to eat, to shower, to take care of myself at all and do the basic things of life. And when I think about it, the only thing keeping me going is that I'm going to die soon. Before the year is over, in hopefully just a few months, I will be free and painless and at peace. And it's why i'm even alive. Which doesn't make that much sense to say but the thought that it will all be over soon is the only thing keeping me here in the meantime. life is insufferable and having to live everyday is torment but its almost over. i just keep reminding myself it isnt forever, everything will be okay, just a few more months.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand feeling so tired of it all, I wish you the best, I hope that you find the peace from suffering you search for.

 

[quietism]

I've been through phases like that. I call it shutting down. Sleeping 18 hours a day and not doing anything for the other 6.

I guess I've learned from experience that it's really bothersome to recover from major starvation/dehydration. I'm patient enough that I could definitely die by VSED, but it's pretty unpleasant. The last couple of times I got close to a coma, I had a fire alarm in my high rise building, that was horrible, they make it so loud and increasing in volume that you'd get ear damage if you didn't leave the apartment (naturally, with some stupid loophole that removes landlord liability) and that was enough to rouse me. So I guess you could say there's some irony in that fire alarms have kept me alive at times.