The illusion of success and happiness

[theRetroHawk]

Hello this is my first post onto this forum. I've found out about this site a few days ago and was very pleased that it is an open discussion. I want to make a long post going over all my thoughts and feelings and my history of depression but for right not my basics are that I've been faced with depression and suicidal thoughts since grade 5 and it's only worsening as of now. I always told myself if I amounted to nothing or had no path by 18 It would be best to ctb. I am 19 now going on 20 soon and don't know how much more I can take on this earth. While probably cringy the basic premise is I always felt I was meant to be someone successful and I eventually realized it was my passion to be a wrestler and nothing excites me more. I realize there is no foreseeable way my dream can play out and as a friendless virgin loser with a "good work ethic" I realize I am the exact thing i feared becoming a slave meant to do nothing but find success for rich people and take the slack for people who do have lives and it's nothing I want apart of. I've made peace with the inconceivable idea of nothingness as the brain loses consciousness and connection to this world and the only thing keeping me here is my family. It feels good just to vent and any and all comments are welcome. Im tired of the cookie cutter response from my close friends that oh life's what you make of it, it will get better etc etc. anyway I'm just babbling and wasting your time but I know what success was for me and sadly that success was also me living a life I want so that's out and if a poor innocent 12 year old can't be happy but also can't comprehend why they are unhappy how can I expect to make some magic change to suddenly start loving my life. I even remember telling my buddies at that age I was going to ctb and played it off as if I was joking but I'm pretty sure that was my SI convincing myself it's a joke to mask the reality a joke woudlnt be considering and thinking about suicide every day for the past fucking 7 or more years

 

[MrDarkness]

Hello this is my first post onto this forum. I've found out about this site a few days ago and was very pleased that it is an open discussion. I want to make a long post going over all my thoughts and feelings and my history of depression but for right not my basics are that I've been faced with depression and suicidal thoughts since grade 5 and it's only worsening as of now. I always told myself if I amounted to nothing or had no path by 18 It would be best to ctb. I am 19 now going on 20 soon and don't know how much more I can take on this earth. While probably cringy the basic premise is I always felt I was meant to be someone successful and I eventually realized it was my passion to be a wrestler and nothing excites me more. I realize there is no foreseeable way my dream can play out and as a friendless virgin loser with a "good work ethic" I realize I am the exact thing i feared becoming a slave meant to do nothing but find success for rich people and take the slack for people who do have lives and it's nothing I want apart of. I've made peace with the inconceivable idea of nothingness as the brain loses consciousness and connection to this world and the only thing keeping me here is my family. It feels good just to vent and any and all comments are welcome. Im tired of the cookie cutter response from my close friends that oh life's what you make of it, it will get better etc etc. anyway I'm just babbling and wasting your time but I know what success was for me and sadly that success was also me living a life I want so that's out and if a poor innocent 12 year old can't be happy but also can't comprehend why they are unhappy how can I expect to make some magic change to suddenly start loving my life. I even remember telling my buddies at that age I was going to ctb and played it off as if I was joking but I'm pretty sure that was my SI convincing myself it's a joke to mask the reality a joke woudlnt be considering and thinking about suicide every day for the past fucking 7 or more years

Your in my shoes exactly, currently 18 suffered from depression since I was in grade 6, also a virgin lmao who cares tho, anyway I've attempted my life once, I learned about the people who cared for me, the best advice I can have which is fairly negative, never get your hopes up by saying, I can do this, I got this, I can finish this. If your mind remains neutral, the pain of failure is not there. Don't expect to be something your not. My dms are open if you wanna talk, I plan to ctb but that depends on how life goes, I just want it as a last resort

 

[andromedakun]

I'm 23. I have autism and bipolar disorder which made me do a lot of things that ruined my life. I was also depressed as a kid like you were. Didn't see a future for myself. Didnt even know I would live past 20, i was pretty sure I'd be gone by the time i was 21. But now I'm 23 and i have no skills to live as an adult because i didn't think I'd still be alive now. And all i want to do is just be gone and everything is so confusing and I feel so useless. I was planning on ctb a week ago but i received a call back from a job i applied for and it gave me hope but it feels so cruel because it just feels like life is trying to tease me with happiness.

 

[cami]

life is a shit storm. im proud of those who find it in themselves to survive, no matter how short that survival is. ergo, im proud of you.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's certainly understandable wishing to be free from this dreadful existence, I cannot stand toxic positivity as well, it's just so insensitive as the reality is that wanting suicide is always a perfectly valid way to feel, none of us are obligated to continue existing here. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[kaleidoscopedreams]

I like to look at life as a sequence of events. Sometimes I do truly feel that the universe has control over certain things, but other times it's just me alone in the world. There's a quote by this band called "Hotel Books" in the song "Dreaming Or Sinking", "life is only a reality except for when it's a dream". I'm a lil older than you but not by much, & I have felt the same way as you for a long time. Survival is ingrained in every single thing in natural, no matter what they're trying to survive. In our society we've built up these amazing structures & sites to see, we have all the technology & information @ the click of a button. But it will never b enough for some, & yes in some aspects yes we should never b done improving. In others it's just a toxic cycle, like a Pyramid Scheme, there's a leader at the top that's getting all the credit, money & fame, while the others are below them like worker ants just trying to make ends meet. No matter what we do as individuals we cannot control this cycle

 

[leavingsoon99]

Hello. I enjoyed reading your post. Thanks for sharing. I'm going to ctb soon. I can totally identify your sentiment. I always wanted to make it in the art world somehow. Also like you, the friends I did make in my youth would hear me "joke" about one day committing suicide. The SI did convince me that it'd get better. And you know... at that point in my life (19 y/o), I DID think it would get better. Well, here I am. I'm not very sad about committing suicide, just a little let down by life. Not only the disappointments, but just the overall illusions of life. I guess, in America, all of us are conditioned to chase "The American Dream". I didn't want such a cookie cutter life as much as I wanted friends, a meaningful art career (even if just one person liked my work), a woman who genuinely loved me, and a cause bigger than myself to get involved in. In my own way, I wanted to make the world a better place. I don't quite know what your outlook on life is. So, I won't be too cynical. I DO think it's cool that you want to be a wrestler. I LOVE wrestling when I was younger. I wish I could tell you it gets better, however I can't nor won't. I don't know what 'better' would look like for you. I commend you for trying to reach the best version of yourself before deciding to ctb. I'll also suggest that you get genuine clarity on the decision to ctb before you try to commit. Really look at your life, where it's been, where you are now, and abstract yourself to where you think it'll logically go. And be realistic. If it CAN get better, you owe it to yourself to try. If it can't, then accept that and move forward with your journey. I wish you luck, clarity, and peace.

 

[EternalShore]

I really can't give you much, but I'm sorry it has to be so bad for you too. :(((
Ignoring the fact that you want to be super successful in life (in different ways than I, I assume [such as by being a wrestler]), I can relate to that a lot! >_<
I feel like "good work ethic" means absolutely nothing, and once one gets abused long enough, they lose that (their only remaining "good" quality) too. :(