Discussion The Horror of Physical Illnesses: Double suffering

[Cryptonite]

The horror of physical illnesses and chronic pain lies in the fact that the illness itself is not the sole source of suffering.

The other source stems from the "Idealization of the reality". When people are perfectly healthy, they don't really appreciate ordinary everyday things, as they take them for granted. They say "only the blind think about vision".

When you are not healthy, on the other hand, it is a whole different story. The things that most people take for granted become like a dream. Going to the supermarket is not a boring routine, it is a wonderful experience. Going to work is not a nuisance, it feels like a time well spent. Dealing with ordinary life problems doesn't seem difficult. In fact, it seems like a fun challenge.

And that's why having a physical illness causes double suffering. Not only you have to suffer from the illness itself, but also from the unavailability of the world that has become almost magical. That's what personally leads me to CBT the most.

 

[freevoid]

The horror of physical illnesses and chronic pain lies in the fact that the illness itself is not the sole source of suffering.

The other source stems from the "Idealization of the reality". When people are perfectly healthy, they don't really appreciate ordinary everyday things, as they take them for granted. They say "only the blind think about vision".

When you are not healthy, on the other hand, it is a whole different story. The things that most people take for granted become like a dream. Going to the supermarket is not a boring routine, it is a wonderful experience. Going to work is not a nuisance, it feels like a time well spent. Dealing with ordinary life problems doesn't seem difficult. In fact, it seems like a fun challenge.

And that's why having a physical illness causes double suffering. Not only you have to suffer from the illness itself, but also from the unavailability of the world that has become almost magical. That's what personally leads me to CBT the most.

YES YES a thousand times yes.

I'm at a point where I can safely say 100% of my depression is now purely from the utter misery of not having the freedom of pleasurable experience because of my illness. If I were the kind of personality who was content with staying inside the house 90% of the time and like, I don't know, playing computer games all day then sure, for the price of physical pain I could make do with my existence.

But i'm not. I have an inquisitive, curious and exploratory nature. I want to swim the whole day at the beach like I used to as a kid. I want to go for long hikes and be able to go more than 2-3 hours without having to eat food or my body crashes. I want to have the energy and mental capability to exercise one of the many business ideas I have. I want a partner. I want to go out with friends. I want to travel. I want to eat pizza.

I'm so fucking, excruciatingly, painfully bored. And worst of all is that I'm a very intelligent and hyper aware person so any distraction is chewed up at like 10 times the speed. Ignorance really is bliss. I wish I was dumber and more ignorant--then this excruciatingly pleasure-less existence would probably be a bit more bearable.

 

[Cryptonite]

YES YES a thousand times yes.

I'm at a point where I can safely say 100% of my depression is now purely from the utter misery of not having the freedom of pleasurable experience because of my illness. If I were the kind of personality who was content with staying inside the house 90% of the time and like, I don't know, playing computer games all day then sure, for the price of physical pain I could make do with my existence.

But i'm not. I have an inquisitive, curious and exploratory nature. I want to swim the whole day at the beach like I used to as a kid. I want to go for long hikes and be able to go more than 2-3 hours without having to eat food or my body crashes. I want to have the energy and mental capability to exercise one of the many business ideas I have. I want a partner. I want to go out with friends. I want to travel. I want to eat pizza.

I'm so fucking, excruciatingly, painfully bored. And worst of all is that I'm a very intelligent and hyper aware person so any distraction is chewed up at like 10 times the speed. Ignorance really is bliss. I wish I was dumber and more ignorant--then this excruciatingly pleasure-less existence would probably be a bit more bearable.

There's not a single word in your comment that I do not 100% identify with. Freedom, inquisition, curiosity, beach, business ideas, friends, travelling, eating out, boredom. What a fucking waste of our potential.

 

[freevoid]

There's not a single word in your comment that I do not 100% identify with. Freedom, inquisition, curiosity, beach, business ideas, friends, travelling, eating out, boredom. What a fucking waste of our potential.

Word.

I'm not sad about death, never really have been, even as a kid. It's an inevitability, why bother being sad about it?

But waste of potential? To be happy and healthy and fulfilled and instead living in pain and boredom and misery? And then to be gaslit, and shackled and shamed for wanting to escape it?

That shits fucking heartbreaking.

 

[Cryptonite]

Word.

I'm not sad about death, never really have been, even as a kid. It's an inevitability, why bother being sad about it?

But waste of potential? To be happy and healthy and fulfilled and instead living in pain and boredom and misery? And then to be gaslit, and shackled and shamed for wanting to escape it?

That shits fucking heartbreaking.

Death will finally make us blissfully unaware of all the beautiful things that we have lost.

What's your illness, if I may ask? Mine is Scheuermann's disease, a severe spinal disease causing progressive chronic pain. It could have been cured fully when I was still a child, but two doctors misdiagnosed me and my parents didn't care. Not to mention, most of my previous life I had lived with a severe mental disease, which was cured only thanks to the state-of-the-art treatment. For the first time, I was able to have friends, girlfriend, work, hobbies etc. Now it's all fucking gone once again. My whole life has been neverending misery.

 

[wljourney]

I can very much relate to both of your posts. It's a horrible waste and we all DESERVED better.

Once I became disabled and realized slowly what life with an incurable illness looks like I actually had to grieve the loss of that former life.

Grieve the loss of choice.
Grieve the loss of options.
Grieve the loss of opportunities.
Grieve the loss of "normal".

It took me a few years.
It just struck me at some point when I was going through old work clothes and finally, after 4 years, was able to let go of the stacks of new, still packaged pantyhose. I knew I would never wear them again, because I would never be able to return to work.
That's when I realized I had grieved and I had accepted that loss.

IMO that's part of the process that brings us here. That allows us to CTB.
Once you have processed and grieved the loss of your former life, often part of your identity, it becomes easier to let go of the rest.

 

[Cryptonite]

I can very much relate to both of your posts. It's a horrible waste and we all DESERVED better.

Once I became disabled and realized slowly what life with an incurable illness looks like I actually had to grieve the loss of that former life.

Grieve the loss of choice.
Grieve the loss of options.
Grieve the loss of opportunities.
Grieve the loss of "normal".

It took me a few years.
It just struck me at some point when I was going through old work clothes and finally, after 4 years, was able to let go of the stacks of new, still packaged pantyhose. I knew I would never wear them again, because I would never be able to return to work.
That's when I realized I had grieved and I had accepted that loss.

IMO that's part of the process that brings us here. That allows us to CTB.
Once you have processed and grieved the loss of your former life, often part of your identity, it becomes easier to let go of the rest.

Very well written. My problem is that I still haven't let go of the former life. It is still a a part of my identity. I still wake up everyday surprised that I'm disabled, just as I did many months ago. Still in the same anger, resentment and disbelief. I haven't even gotten to the grieving part, where, I believe, I will go fucking insane.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is horrible how life brings people to this point. Existence is so cruel and unfair and a peaceful exit should be a human right. It is terrifying how our bodies are capable of torturing us with no limit as to how bad things can get. To me, peace does not exist in life. It only exists in death.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

I keep going over in my head whether it was ever possible for me to appreciate and not take for granted the things my illness has ravaged but I think without this perspective there's no way. I had a leg injury for a while that kept me from activities and I promised myself I'd never complain about traffic again and I didn't. But like you said, I never considered that the calm of going to the store or logging into work or simply recognizing my face in a mirror could be taken away until it was too late.

 

[Afrod22]

I would pay money to be able to walk around my neighborhood, smell the flowers, feel the breeze, and enjoy the sights. But chronic pain puts you in a prison with only one way out unfortunately.

 

[Cryptonite]

I keep going over in my head whether it was ever possible for me to appreciate and not take for granted the things my illness has ravaged but I think without this perspective there's no way. I had a leg injury for a while that kept me from activities and I promised myself I'd never complain about traffic again and I didn't. But like you said, I never considered that the calm of going to the store or logging into work or simply recognizing my face in a mirror could be taken away until it was too late.

Yes, I've heard my friends saying "Your situation makes me feel grateful about my own life", which hurts deeply obviously, but I know it's not true. This stuff needs to be experienced emotionally. That's why these so-called gratitude journals don't work.

The worst thing is that it is not just pure idealization of reality. If we were given our life back right now, we would be truly able to live much happier lives thanks to the new reference point. As illustrated in your example of leg injury - it was such a profound emotional experience that it truly changed you.

 

[blue_muse]

It's like being watched in real life, by people who know my innermost thoughts to then see them posted on SS. The powers of perception.

 

[Cryptonite]

It's like being watched in real life, by people who know my innermost thoughts to then see them posted on SS. The powers of perception.

I was really convinced this must be a phenomenon for many fellow physical disease sufferers, not just for me...

 

[blue_muse]

I was really convinced this must be a phenomenon for many fellow physical disease sufferers, not just for me...

I bet.

 

[freevoid]

Death will finally make us blissfully unaware of all the beautiful things that we have lost.

What's your illness, if I may ask? Mine is Scheuermann's disease, a severe spinal disease causing progressive chronic pain. It could have been cured fully when I was still a child, but two doctors misdiagnosed me and my parents didn't care. Not to mention, most of my previous life I had lived with a severe mental disease, which was cured only thanks to the state-of-the-art treatment. For the first time, I was able to have friends, girlfriend, work, hobbies etc. Now it's all fucking gone once again. My whole life has been neverending misery.

Hoo boy, it's a lot.

I have Lyme disease + coinfections, IBS (what a dumb cutesy name for a condition of constant pain and misery), Pancreatitis, Gastroparesis, Anal fissure,malabsorption, multiple food intolerances--basically my digestive system is a pile of garbage and I have to aggressively supplement as well as restrict my diet just to keep my nutrient levels normal (lots of $$$).

Also sound sensitivity, heat sensitivity, chemical sensitivites, severe insomnia, chronic headaches, OCD, ADHD (constant mental chatter and racing thoughts is the most crazy making aspect of it for me), major depressive disorder, don't get anxiety any more since I connected dots with food intolerances and really pushed on my supplementation but will flareup if i eat trigger foods or life gets too stressful, panic/overwhelm (primarily a by product of the sensory sensitivities due to constant fight/flight activation).

Most of this has been going on from the beginning, especially the mental stuff. Some were triggered by a vaccine I received as a teenager, some from mercury poisoning from silver tooth fillings. I basically have very garbage genetics, my body is not very good at detoxing, so things that other people can shrug off absolutely railroad me.

I'm so sorry about your situation! Your parents suck (no offense, or, full offense depending on your feelings). I am grateful that I don't have chronic moderate/severe pain (just bad flareups that have me passing out on the toilet from the intensity). That must be awful and my heart goes out to you. Honestly if I start getting that kind of chronic physical pain I'm outta here so fast...

I sometimes don't know what would be better - to have never experienced some sense of "normality" and ponder what if, or--to have had it, how brief and still tainted with misery it was--and lose it and now waste away in a hollow shadow of what once was, what could have been.

I havent worked or had sex or dated in years. Just the same groundhog day of misery. And any time i express frustration to my mother, and say how I want to go, she spouts that nauseating pro crap sludge, and has the nerve to say that she thinks my life is worth living. People who don't experience CHRONIC misery, have no idea. No fucking idea. This isnt some stressful situation you can get over with time, and tea, and CBT and yoga. Hell, if CBT and yoga was the answer I would be cured 50 times over.

Anywho, got a bit ranty, but whatever. You all get it. It's sad that you do, but thats "life"

 

[blue_muse]

Sarcasm gets easily lost on some .

 

[Rounded Agony]

Hoo boy, it's a lot.

I have Lyme disease + coinfections, IBS (what a dumb cutesy name for a condition of constant pain and misery), Pancreatitis, Gastroparesis, Anal fissure,malabsorption, multiple food intolerances--basically my digestive system is a pile of garbage and I have to aggressively supplement as well as restrict my diet just to keep my nutrient levels normal (lots of $$$).

Also sound sensitivity, heat sensitivity, chemical sensitivites, severe insomnia, chronic headaches, OCD, ADHD (constant mental chatter and racing thoughts is the most crazy making aspect of it for me), major depressive disorder, don't get anxiety any more since I connected dots with food intolerances and really pushed on my supplementation but will flareup if i eat trigger foods or life gets too stressful, panic/overwhelm (primarily a by product of the sensory sensitivities due to constant fight/flight activation).

Most of this has been going on from the beginning, especially the mental stuff. Some were triggered by a vaccine I received as a teenager, some from mercury poisoning from silver tooth fillings. I basically have very garbage genetics, my body is not very good at detoxing, so things that other people can shrug off absolutely railroad me.

I'm so sorry about your situation! Your parents suck (no offense, or, full offense depending on your feelings). I am grateful that I don't have chronic moderate/severe pain (just bad flareups that have me passing out on the toilet from the intensity). That must be awful and my heart goes out to you. Honestly if I start getting that kind of chronic physical pain I'm outta here so fast...

I sometimes don't know what would be better - to have never experienced some sense of "normality" and ponder what if, or--to have had it, how brief and still tainted with misery it was--and lose it and now waste away in a hollow shadow of what once was, what could have been.

I havent worked or had sex or dated in years. Just the same groundhog day of misery. And any time i express frustration to my mother, and say how I want to go, she spouts that nauseating pro crap sludge, and has the nerve to say that she thinks my life is worth living. People who don't experience CHRONIC misery, have no idea. No fucking idea. This isnt some stressful situation you can get over with time, and tea, and CBT and yoga. Hell, if CBT and yoga was the answer I would be cured 50 times over.

Anywho, got a bit ranty, but whatever. You all get it. It's sad that you do, but thats "life"

I found your post after doing a search on the forums for "fissure" and yours was one of the very few that were of the anal type. I also experience this on a recurring basis with worsening hemorrhoids; after the first one I went without a flare so long it's amazing to think now the life I managed to live until the second one happened. I've been a shell of a human since the third.

There's other stuff at play for me all of which I've written about here, but I was hoping to maybe connect with someone who gets this exact aspect of things. There's the anal fissure forum I expect you've come across but no one there seems to be very suicidal, and I don't know how. I just want to give up having this thing hanging over my head,

 

[suicidalpushpop]

i am going to CBT for the same reason

 

[Littlewittlelight]

The horror of physical illnesses and chronic pain lies in the fact that the illness itself is not the sole source of suffering.

The other source stems from the "Idealization of the reality". When people are perfectly healthy, they don't really appreciate ordinary everyday things, as they take them for granted. They say "only the blind think about vision".

When you are not healthy, on the other hand, it is a whole different story. The things that most people take for granted become like a dream. Going to the supermarket is not a boring routine, it is a wonderful experience. Going to work is not a nuisance, it feels like a time well spent. Dealing with ordinary life problems doesn't seem difficult. In fact, it seems like a fun challenge.

And that's why having a physical illness causes double suffering. Not only you have to suffer from the illness itself, but also from the unavailability of the world that has become almost magical. That's what personally leads me to CBT the most.

I am in the same situation I have waited for years it didn't get better. I am thinking of the same things sometimes I let people know indirectly I just said I don't have what a normal human has so why should I even try to do other things I tried I wanted to but I wouldn't even be able to reap what I sow. Does it really matter anymore? It just hurts but there is no way. There really isn't and no matter how much someone knows they still would know about the things they haven't experienced so they will take so many things forgranted and it feels some people know and appreciate things much but they still won't what the people who are physically unhealthy know. This isn't something they would ever have to deal with. I am sorry I just am pushed to do this as well. No complaints only hurt that I have will have to do this someday but I wrote a quote "regrets, frality and vanity are for mortal not Immortal". I hope to have it with me until I go so it gives me some hope I hope me being atheist helps more. I have never prayed I still don't believe in anything but my mind is playing tricks now the only thing is I want is silence no thoughts,no missing out on anything. What hurts is same going to supermarket won't be a pain if it wasn't like this and wouldn't have to think how I have to miss out on things but forced to or expected to do as much as a normal healthy human that's the worst part. I just can't and I relate to people who are ill and this illness just takes the form of mental illness.