The hardest thing i will ever do

[nextstepdeath]

Is to kill myself. I just know, can tell how strong I need to be to carry it out, and as much as I want to die I don't think I'm strong enough to see it through with the means and methods available to me. All I can feel is my pain knocking me to the ground and my meds numbing me into distraction. I can't think of or see a way out, all I've got is a lifetime of pain and memories and not much of a clear outlet or way out. Only got so much energy and health to attempt as well, don't know if I've got much of a window. I just need to see a way out, the meds will only numb me for so long before I do something impulsive.
I have been beaten down too hard. I cannot live, just feel beaten down and completely paralysed out of life. It's all gone wrong and I can't think straight, the more I wander and run around the more I get beaten down. Can't stop being beaten down.

 

[nextstepdeath]

I was insecure all my life. It's all gone now. You just wither away in the end. I screwed up as hard as a person can. Slowly dying.

 

[nextstepdeath]

Went to sleep. Woke up. Medicated. In chronic pain. Don't want to move, feel unable to move. Accepted feeling ill, accepted completely fucking up my life, accepted I am going to die having screwed it all up, having achieved nothing. In a state of complete mind shattering anxiety, I am a trembling nervous wreck. Want to die, want to shut down, want to vanish as painlessly and as quietly as I can. To disappear is the dream.

 

[maniac116]

I'm sorry your life is so shitty.
If you do try to ctb at a time when you're in an impulsive mindset you're doomed to fail.
I would wait for a time when I was calm & can be detail oriented.
No judgement!
I hope whatever you choose that in the end you find a peace & love

 

[nextstepdeath]

I'm sorry your life is so shitty.
If you do try to ctb at a time when you're in an impulsive mindset you're doomed to fail.
I would wait for a time when I was calm & can be detail oriented.
No judgement!
I hope whatever you choose that in the end you find a peace & love

I'm finding it hard to be calm, part of my issues is that I am so wrecked that being calm is very hard for me, best I can do is sit on medication and feel an attempt come through on that.

 

[NegevChina]

I'm finding it hard to be calm, part of my issues is that I am so wrecked that being calm is very hard for me, best I can do is sit on medication and feel an attempt come through on that.

I'm sorry your going through this. I know just how you feel. Being under pressure, relying on meds to calm you down.
But I would be careful not to make a failed attempt as it can make ones condition worse.

 

[maniac116]

I'm finding it hard to be calm, part of my issues is that I am so wrecked that being calm is very hard for me, best I can do is sit on medication and feel an attempt come through on that.