It's been a few weeks since I have joined the forum. I couldn't follow much of the threads here. I don't have courage or strength to post anything about myself or something related to ctb. My life has been nothing, but a huge cluster of shit show. I don't know where to begin. I'm from south asia. I haven't/couldn't completed my high school studies due to taking care of my bedridden mother. My family. We're the most disfunctional and we shouldn't even be together as a family at all. My mother was the only good person who did too much for us, and got sick suddenly, a decade ago. So here's the thing. My shity father absolutely did nothing to help with taking care of my mom. The financial situation was alright as we (me and my shity brother) have threatened him that we will take him to the court if he doesn't help us with the money. 6 years later things started getting worse as my mom's health started deteriorating both physically and mentally. My brother soon left us and gone on his own. Having to take care of my mom alone things didn't go as it should. My negligence towards my mother had taken bad toll on her health. It was this April when things turn for worse. My nightmare soon become reality as she passed away on this may 1st. The last few years has been very hectic. We would have arguments everyday. The ups and downs, the negligence from my side, not getting any help from anyone. Everything fucked up so badly. The guilt. Yeah, It's eating me up and no matter who says that you did what you could. I know I didn't and it doesn't seems to get out of my mind at all.
I have a severe case of social anxiety. I had no idea of this stuff until recently. Being a person from south asia you may probably already know that we give no shit about mental health. There's no such thing as sa or depression. We cope up or get fucked up by the society. That's how it works. So from my childhood I had a hard time making friends. Few years passed and I was like 10 something when I finally made some friends. Things were going better and I was doing great in my studies. I had my sa but it didn't act up much. I still had problems interacting with unknown people but it was not really that serious. My father decided to transfer us to a different city one day. New school, new surrounding. Had to start everything all over again. It was still alright. I still had my mom, who by the way is the only one who kept our family from breaking apart. Then all of a sudden everything fucked up as mom suddenly got ill and had two surgeries. As I stated earlier financially we were okay. Only because we only put the money on the food, rent and medicines. My brother and I started taking care of her until 2016, when he left. Not going too much outside, not interacting with people made my sa much worse. In the past two years I was only going to near by stores for everything. My incompetence and my weakness ( mentally) made me do nothing. I had suicidal thoughts for years but I could never imagine doing it. I fear pain and suffering. I don't think I could have done it especially when I knew my mom will be left all alone. But things have changed and now I don't think I can live this life with this the guilt and the shity feeling I get everyday. You know I always thought I had a bad life, but reality is I, myself was and is still in a much better situation cause my mom had much worse and still she would say that she wanted to live more.
So about ctb. My feelings about it has gotten very serious. I want to do it. The problem is I want to do it with less pain, and suffering. I also have to plan it throughly cause my shity father and brother are living with me. As you can guess I'm unemployed, never earned a buck in my life. I still have to depend on my family. I don't know what method to use and what to buy. I'm feeling exhausted all the time these days. I also have to act like I'm okay so I won't cause any problems with my family. It's really tiring and the guilt. As I said it's really fucking me up. It is making it worse cause I know I could have done better for my mother and she might would've been alive right now.
I have a severe case of social anxiety. I had no idea of this stuff until recently. Being a person from south asia you may probably already know that we give no shit about mental health. There's no such thing as sa or depression. We cope up or get fucked up by the society. That's how it works. So from my childhood I had a hard time making friends. Few years passed and I was like 10 something when I finally made some friends. Things were going better and I was doing great in my studies. I had my sa but it didn't act up much. I still had problems interacting with unknown people but it was not really that serious. My father decided to transfer us to a different city one day. New school, new surrounding. Had to start everything all over again. It was still alright. I still had my mom, who by the way is the only one who kept our family from breaking apart. Then all of a sudden everything fucked up as mom suddenly got ill and had two surgeries. As I stated earlier financially we were okay. Only because we only put the money on the food, rent and medicines. My brother and I started taking care of her until 2016, when he left. Not going too much outside, not interacting with people made my sa much worse. In the past two years I was only going to near by stores for everything. My incompetence and my weakness ( mentally) made me do nothing. I had suicidal thoughts for years but I could never imagine doing it. I fear pain and suffering. I don't think I could have done it especially when I knew my mom will be left all alone. But things have changed and now I don't think I can live this life with this the guilt and the shity feeling I get everyday. You know I always thought I had a bad life, but reality is I, myself was and is still in a much better situation cause my mom had much worse and still she would say that she wanted to live more.
So about ctb. My feelings about it has gotten very serious. I want to do it. The problem is I want to do it with less pain, and suffering. I also have to plan it throughly cause my shity father and brother are living with me. As you can guess I'm unemployed, never earned a buck in my life. I still have to depend on my family. I don't know what method to use and what to buy. I'm feeling exhausted all the time these days. I also have to act like I'm okay so I won't cause any problems with my family. It's really tiring and the guilt. As I said it's really fucking me up. It is making it worse cause I know I could have done better for my mother and she might would've been alive right now.
Last edited:
