The guilt I feel knowing I'm going to CTB soon is eating me alive

[captivebutterfly]

I wish I had something profound or philosophical to say about how I'm feeling but I don't other than what is in the title really. The guilt of knowing I'm going to die soon is eating me alive.

My friends and family know I'm depressed and chronically suicidal, I've spent 8 months of the last 2 years in a psychiatric unit because of three failed attempts. I know my death won't be completely unexpected for them but I still think they'll be surprised because recently I've been doing and saying all the right things. I'm eating better, I'm being more sociable, I've even been feeling a bit better but what they don't know is because that is due to the fact I've settled on a method and I feel sure of the fact I'm going to die soon. That my suffering will be over.

To them it might seem like I'm finally on the right track and I feel guilty that I'm probably getting their hopes up. I want them to have good final memories of me which is why I have been trying so hard lately to be a good friend/sister/daughter/person but I'm now feeling guilty that I'm doing this. I already struggle with the general guilt often associated with suicide anyway but now I'm feeling guilty for the deception. I found out from a young age that depression can make you deceptive and I am living proof of that fact.

Also, I don't expect anyone to be able to say anything that makes me feel less guilty, I just want to vent. So I guess if you're reading this, thanks for listening.

 

[Guy_Smiley]

Same with me. The guilt is horrible. Maybe the worst part.

 

[captivebutterfly]

Same with me. The guilt is horrible. Maybe the worst part.

I wish we didn't have to feel this way.

 

[Ww42]

I feel the same, the guilt is really strong. But at the end of the day, my dire need to die outweighs that guilt because this world is too much, so I just tell myself that I won't be around here to see the aftermath

 

[Praestat_Mori]

None of us should feel guilty for being finally relieved from unbearable pain and suffering. Unfortunately someone will always have to suffer either it's us suffering a life long for family and friends or it's family and friends who have to suffer for some time and will eventually get over it bc their lives are not dominated by suffering MH issues/physical health issues/other issues that are unsolvable for us.

Ik it's not that easy. I hope can find peace somehow with whatever you decide to do.

 

[bunny_brownie9]

I'm struggling with this too. I hear you and understand.

 

[rozeske]

It's just the years and years tabu of suicide and the anti choice propaganda that engraved the idea of 'suicide = selfishness' into our brains. The fact of the matter is our loved ones will be hurt if we die tomorrow by suicide or 50 years from tomorrow from natural causes. What makes suicidal deaths more hurtful to the ones left behind is mainly the guilt of not seeing it coming or not doing enough. And for anyone that did what is supposed of them the guilt should be minimal. For someone who has been nagging you all your life how much you were a mistake and how it would be easy if you just drop dead....well, the guilt won't be so easy. But all of this has nothing to do with us. We are the once who were hurt by the life we lived and we shouldn't feel ashamed and guilty for deciding to end our sufferings.

P.s. This is not to encourage suicide. It's an act that should be well thought out and the last resort.