Venting The Grinding Utopia

[pain6batch9]

There's a girl who does these YouTube videos, I won't say her name or what the videos are about. But I have to tell you she is very attractive in a conventional sort of way. I often watch the sort of things that make me feel normal, if only for a second, by some sort of psychological transference. Watching people cook, review tech for example. For a short while it makes me feel as if there is a regular society still out there with people leading their lives, doing regular things, having regular boring jobs. So I watch them online and in real life, out there on the streets, drinking coffee, catching a train, you get the picture.

Whilst I know deep down, these screen fantasy figures never know who people like me are, it occurred to me that there is a certain longing for a gilded utopian vision I hold deep down that I can't let go of. I see her, this woman and she is perfect. For a brief while, I'm thinking about reaching out to her. Telling her how much it helps to watch her videos. Of course, I won't. That would be weird and make her feel uncomfortable. Possibly because I'm so cranked, I don't wish to infect her with my hideous life. The thought process leading me to the inevitable conclusion that no normal person (if there is such a thing) could ever want anything to do with me. So why do I keep reaching in my mind, to the place where I'm thinking about what it would be like to spend time in the company of a glittering fairy-tale princess from the screen? It's because I enjoy the thought experiment. I like thinking about it. My mind here being the final refuge in the broken paths of my previous existence as a real human. As if I gave up the right to live my life before, at some point handing the reins of normality over to them, the shiny utopians, so I could sit from the bottom of the hill, looking up at the top. That's where she is. That's where they all are, these beautiful screen girls, in their perfect lives.

I know what you're thinking. Yes, your saying in your head, but that's all an illusion. Those are carefully curated products of the people, not he actual people. There is no gleaming city on the top of the hill with beautiful people. It's a mirage. Yes, this is true. It's like someone trying to sell you a 'ROLEXX' and your first thought is, get the fuck out of here. You can see it's a fugazi, but it's still a nice time piece.

But it leaves you feeling empty, is the point. This world bombards us with images and ideas that make us want to be one of those utopians. (That's what I'm calling them for the purposes of this exercise.) And I always imagine them living their lives apart from those of us who are suffering. Not above us. Just in an apartment higher up the building. Also, it doesn't stop me wanting to be one of them by marriage. As if these utopians would let you into the golden castle, like in a Jane Austen novel, if you could convince one of them to have you. 'No my friend,' they would say, 'you are a peasant and must remain in the dung heap outside the wall.'

I know all this. But I still watch them. I still watch her. I still fantasize. The fantasy ends and I still go through the mental process of the dip, the recovery, the acceptance and the finding of the new fantasy or the old one re-packaged for the digital age. And she still makes her videos, happily oblivious to the fact she sent me on this journey.

This is what I call the grinding utopia. Oppressive and ever-lasting. I probably think too much.

 

[Gangrel]

I think i relate to this, i do this as well, depending on the person though i try to distance myself from those thoughts because like you said it leaves me empty, it will never happen, the fantasy end up hurting even more probably because i'm weak minded.

 

[escape_from_hell]

I relate much and even went so far as to chase this "happening, proper life" in a cycle. Careers, friend circles, moving to new places frequently, even abroad. Looking for that home in the soul where authentic living is happening. Sometimes I tricked myself deeply and it felt like I was on that path, on that Tao.

You must remain 100% engaged with the fantasy lest you lose immersion. If you take it further, like you mention, reaching out to some youtube beauty, you seem to already know you are a creepy dude or faceless fangirl, nothing to her or you'd already have some confidence to believe otherwise. But things not working out is not the real danger--it's just normal interaction to reach out to people and it works or it doesn.t The danger is this utopian fantasy dissolving, and you'll lose your ability to keep hoping. Confidence in yourself and the world is provided by external cues. Contrary to the common idea that we have everything we need for deep happiness inside our own souls, we need affirmations from the senses for it to make sense. To keep the internal utopia, keep immersed. Never miss a youtube upload. Line up for the new movie. Vote for your pre-selected politicians. Go to the concert with the popular approved music. Suspend disbelief to enjoy fantasy. You can't watch a movie saying "those are just costumes" or play a game thinking "these are just pixels and a computer program" or fall in love with the glorified life of a youtube celebrity cook thinking "they are just attractive and making food, that they will poop out of their butts later and it will smell bad." Reification is painful, trust me, the 'what now' anxiety train hits hard.

Just some thoughts. I doubt it helps. I often feel like shit but also hope there is still a real, sane and normal life going on out there even if I'm not part of it, it is comforting.

 

[Mirrory Me]

The next step is to start building a dollhouse of that utopia where you would like to belong in your life.