The good thing is I'm now living for myself instead of my family

[BeautifulMosaics]

I'm going to try micro-dosing. As I've begged the NHS for the meds I know will help for years, as SSRIs are doing nothing for my particular symptoms. I have a tiny bit of hope.

If I ever feel like killing myself again I'll do it with no qualms because my family just can't help themselves. I'd do it today if I felt like it. 3 days before Christmas - not my responsibility to suffer for people who treat me like dirt. My sister is nasty and makes snide, cutting comments with such spite at random moments. My mother knows I'm depressed and self-neglecting but dressed me down verbally and told me she's "embarrassed" for me.

It is freeing to know I don't have to care about these people's feelings anymore.

They have treated me horribly over years but I forgave them. They start again and I'm done.

I am a quintessential pisces: compassionate, forgiving, flexible and concerned with others' feelings - so I need to force myself to not consider theirs.

But when I want to go - I will. Fuck 'em. I've told them so many times how they make me feel and they always revert back. So, time for me to prioritise me.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry but I understand. I don't have a family worth living for either. I guess it's good in a certain sense not to have to deal with guilt that so many people are racked with but we deserved better.

 

[Pluto]

When your mother uses the word 'embarrassed', that is a red flag for narcissism. In other words, it's all about her image rather than your wellbeing. My whole family is like this.

Just recently, I wanted so badly to forgive my sister for bullying and belittling me throughout childhood in ways that severely impacted my later adult relationships. This was followed by a family-wide conspiracy to cover up that the abuse happened and manufacture a story that I was born with mental retardation which made me unable to socialise, hence camouflaging my PTSD.

The others all went on to superficially live well, while I ended up abandoned and in ruins (isolation, poverty, mental illness, etc.) despite endlessly struggling to overcome the situation. In the end, my attempt to forgive has proven a failure because I would be lying if I wasn't downright appalled by them. The theory of forgiveness is great, since by forgiving we are discarding a heavy weight that does not serve. But it feels physically impossible.

I've never succeeded in taking my own advice, but if you want to experience any kind of positive relationships, discarding horrible families entirely is a requisite first step.

Best of luck with the psychedelic experience. In some areas, this is available as a bona fide therapy, but I gather you are in the UK and it doesn't seem to be legal there.

 

[rationaltake]

When your mother uses the word 'embarrassed', that is a red flag for narcissism. In other words, it's all about her image rather than your wellbeing. My whole family is like this.

Just recently, I wanted so badly to forgive my sister for bullying and belittling me throughout childhood in ways that severely impacted my later adult relationships. This was followed by a family-wide conspiracy to cover up that the abuse happened and manufacture a story that I was born with mental retardation which made me unable to socialise, hence camouflaging my PTSD.

The others all went on to superficially live well, while I ended up abandoned and in ruins (isolation, poverty, mental illness, etc.) despite endlessly struggling to overcome the situation. In the end, my attempt to forgive has proven a failure because I would be lying if I wasn't downright appalled by them. The theory of forgiveness is great, since by forgiving we are discarding a heavy weight that does not serve. But it feels physically impossible.

I've never succeeded in taking my own advice, but if you want to experience any kind of positive relationships, discarding horrible families entirely is a requisite first step.

Best of luck with the psychedelic experience. In some areas, this is available as a bona fide therapy, but I gather you are in the UK and it doesn't seem to be legal there.

I'm sorry that your family reacted this way. I would guess it's impossible to have any sort of genuine dialogue with them.

For me the subsequent lies - the denial - the cover-ups - are compounding the abuse because your experience is being denied. You're denied any kind of discussion - let alone resolution - because they refuse to acknowledge what happened.

This is just me but I found it helpful to step away from my family's twisted lies and their distorted version of reality and acknowledge my own truth.

I have to admit that I don't understand forgiveness at all. I think sometimes people are so nasty and toxic that all you can do is objectively face the fact that those people are irredeemable and then cut yourself free from them.

I don't have your wisdom. I wonder if you know why you haven't succeeded in leaving your family behind?

I experienced abuse so severe I have DID. I understand there is an emotional side to your situation but I personally don't experience emotions as others do. I'm very detached a lot of the time.

Peace to you.

 

[Dizzylady80]

Living for yourself is a lot of responsibility, but it does increase chances of recovery if that's what you're looking for. Being shackled here against your will for other people is miserable. I'm sorry your family is so shitty are you gonna micro dose acid? If so I've heard really positive things about that, psilocybin too

 

[rationaltake]

I'm going to try micro-dosing. As I've begged the NHS for the meds I know will help for years, as SSRIs are doing nothing for my particular symptoms. I have a tiny bit of hope.

If I ever feel like killing myself again I'll do it with no qualms because my family just can't help themselves. I'd do it today if I felt like it. 3 days before Christmas - not my responsibility to suffer for people who treat me like dirt. My sister is nasty and makes snide, cutting comments with such spite at random moments. My mother knows I'm depressed and self-neglecting but dressed me down verbally and told me she's "embarrassed" for me.

It is freeing to know I don't have to care about these people's feelings anymore.

They have treated me horribly over years but I forgave them. They start again and I'm done.

I am a quintessential pisces: compassionate, forgiving, flexible and concerned with others' feelings - so I need to force myself to not consider theirs.

But when I want to go - I will. Fuck 'em. I've told them so many times how they make me feel and they always revert back. So, time for me to prioritise me.

Sadly your family don't deserve your compassion. You've really tried with them and I can understand your needing to put yourself first.

I hope things get better for you.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Living for yourself is a lot of responsibility, but it does increase chances of recovery if that's what you're looking for. Being shackled here against your will for other people is miserable. I'm sorry your family is so shitty are you gonna micro dose acid? If so I've heard really positive things about that, psilocybin too

Thank you. I'm planning on psilocybin. It appears the safest.

 

[Dizzylady80]

Thank you. I'm planning on psilocybin. It appears the safest.

My bestie used to do that, they'd put some extract in their coffee each morning. Helped them a lot

 

[Pluto]

I wonder if you know why you haven't succeeded in leaving your family behind?

Thanks for the reply! That's a fair point.

I have almost no association with them, and mostly have not for many years. But somehow it keeps coming up over and over as a psychological trauma.

The family issues have been tightly woven into every period of suicidal ideation, since it's so clear that the health-related and circumstantial woes that I've been trying to overcome date to that time. It comes up each time a recovery attempt is made only to crash as I realise what I'm trying to overcome and the lack of resources. It also came up when I met a niece for the first time (turned out she was even into Pusheen) only to have the unresolved issues crash the party.

Most people will tend to blame their ex-partner or their workplace or their mental illness for their despair without tracing the situation back to the people who actually set the stage for all of those events. I know some people here blame parents universally, without accounting for the fact that people with good parents generally don't end up here. So for me, trying to overcome family abuse has been my Sisyphus.

 

[rationaltake]

Thanks for the reply! That's a fair point.

I have almost no association with them, and mostly have not for many years. But somehow it keeps coming up over and over as a psychological trauma.

The family issues have been tightly woven into every period of suicidal ideation, since it's so clear that the health-related and circumstantial woes that I've been trying to overcome date to that time. It comes up each time a recovery attempt is made only to crash as I realise what I'm trying to overcome and the lack of resources. It also came up when I met a niece for the first time (turned out she was even into Pusheen) only to have the unresolved issues crash the party.

Most people will tend to blame their ex-partner or their workplace or their mental illness for their despair without tracing the situation back to the people who actually set the stage for all of those events. I know some people here blame parents universally, without accounting for the fact that people with good parents generally don't end up here. So for me, trying to overcome family abuse has been my Sisyphus.

I can understand that the problem is the psychological fall-out from the abuse. I have some understanding of trauma and appreciate that trauma can't be overcome purely by intellect or will.

You've obviously tried repeatedly to overcome your issues. The reference to Sisyphus resonates with me - even more so due to my sympathy with existentialism.

Given my own situation I whole-heartedly agree that good parenting is crucial. Neglect and abuse harm the development of the child in so many ways. The child is not given the basic resources to deal with life and subsequently struggles to cope as an adult.

The parents I had should never have been allowed to reproduce. I was so severely abused that I was not viable from birth - maybe even conception - given the treatment I received and the environment I was in.

I tried so hard but my life was never real. I was trying to play a part for which I'd never been given a script.

I never had a secure base from which to grow and explore the world and to which I could retreat when necessary. I was in amongst the wolves right from the start - with no escape.

TLDR. You can take the family out of the equation but it's another thing entirely to overcome the effects of their abuse.

 

[BreathOnAMirror]

It's great that you're free of that burden, families are something we're born into which makes it a lot harder to distance yourself from them compared to friends or lovers, but I'm sure them treating you like garbage helped you realize how you truly felt about them. I can't imagine what it's like having the only people who are supposed to stick through everything with you turn their backs on you, I don't feel like I can fully trust anyone in my life but my dad, and living without that support must be fucking awful.