The feeling of wanting to commit suicide is horrible but at the same time relieving???

[chopsueylol]

I don't know if any of you have ever felt something similar, but knowing that I can end it all at once can be more relieving than despairing? Maybe it's a coping mechanism or something, but it really does make me feel better, ironically.
Has anyone here ever felt something similar?

 

[SonicFan1994]

No. I hate thinking about killing myself. Knowing is half the problem, Im scared and worried I will act on these thoughts. It is not relieving. I want to be happy.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

Cioran spoke about this:

 

[El_Jefe]

I feel the same now knowing i have the power to end it all but not having the courage its weird

 

[mythofsisyphus]

I totally relate. It's reliving when I feel it will solve all my problems, when it will take away all the pain and suffering.

But then I momentarily wake up to the reality of the situation - that it doesn't really solve anything. Yes, it takes away all my crushing feelings of loss and grief over what could have been, but it also destroys everything else with it. Not only will the pain be gone, but also everything that I am. I won't be at peace, because there will be no me to experience peace. When I see it this way, it's terrifying.

Then I feel more trapped and desperate realising there's no answer, no way to truly solve my problems. And in this suffering I once again start to find comfort in the thought of death.

And then the cycle repeats, over and over.

 

[demitriusmigsysvotf]

I hate thinking that ctb is an option for me. I always think how I could have made my life better. Not making mistakes, I unfortunately did in the past. It always makes me feel useless and dumb cause I could have lived my normal life without these thoughts. It was so easy for me to stay on the right path and never get to have an account here. I'm not saying SaSu is bad, but I think that I had an opportunity to live a normal which I think is bad. Ctb at some point was the last thing I wanted to do. But now it's the only solution to situation I have now.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Passive ideation is nice- one day this will all be over. At least it's an option that I can remove myself from all this if it becomes too much. Active ideation isn't nice- in my experience. How am I going to do it? Will it hurt? How much? Will it even work? What if it doesn't work? Will I end up only maiming myself? What happens after death? Hopefully nothing but who really knows? It's fine- even comforting until you start considering the practicalities.

 

[Bobert_Beniro]

When I feel bad, thinking about ctb calms me down. when I feel good, thoughts about ctb scare me

 

[Saucer]

I feel like this, I think. Just knowing it's an option. Right now it's a very very attractive one, but I lack the strength and courage.

But other times just knowing I can/will do it, is helpful.

 

[b1cycle]

It feels like I'm attached to this life the same way I get attached to an old friend or a bad relationship. I might feel like the best choice is to let go, but it feels like a shame.

 

[Ol Messier 87]

Cioran spoke about this:

I could never swallow that Cioran could've ever actually been suicidal. It always seemed to me like an elaborate form of ostentatious nihilism. Not that his work is devoid of interest of course, but I've never found it honest. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's not the one I would recommend for that topic.
An author like Céline seems more interesting to me in this regard. He never uses the words "suicide" or "depression", but between the lines, he doesn't talk about anything else.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

I think that's pretty much a common feeling. Feeling relieved knowing there's a way out whenever you want. I too feel both fear and relief when thinking about it, although I still need to start my journey to securing a way out.

 

[Steff1337]

Yes, it's that way for me too.

 

[kkamasal]

Yes if I die, I will go back to nothing and I will feel better about those thoughts. My existence, others, competition, money, depression, everything is made by humans and all that meaning will disappear and I won't have to care and I will disappear without knowing my existence

 

[fatladysings]

The only reason I can get through my day to day life is because I know I'll be ctb'ing once my mum dies. If I didn't have this knowledge plus the accoutrements needed to ctb, I would have a terrible life filled with anxiety.

I'm still suffering from quite a lot of anxiety, but it's manageable. But if I wasn't able to ctb, my anxiety levels would be horrendous.

 

[El_Jefe]

Can anyone post an image as to where i can go to create my own post. I'm either too new to post or just too disabled to see where to create a post