ValkyrieCain
Drifting away
- Dec 18, 2024
- 38
I feel like I don't belong anywhere, not only anywhere button the places or people I do find myself with or surrounded by, there has always been a feeling of foreignness to it, I always felt like people just put up with me for the sake of putting up with me, I always felt like the people Im with lowkey hated me but didn't want to admit it; and when I did feel that way I believed it to be true
A feeling that makes me question whether the people I'm with truly want to be around me or are just putting up with me for the sake of it ?
A feeling that makes me question the authenticity of the people Im friends with...
A feeling that makes me ask myself do these people truly care about me as much as I care about them ?
These feelings have always accompanied me in life; not just around friends but around family members too, including people that I've known for years. Its a feeling that I can't shake; and when it does arise it brings its own barricade of thoughts along which again makes me question everyone and everything to the point I start questioning our friendship or relationship to them; this sometimes leads to it falling apart due to me believing that they don't really care about me the way they say they do.
I've lost countless friends and broken loads of relationships due to this way of thinking. I have it when I do think like that; its not something I just want to think off; it starts of as a feeling of not belonging with them which leads to me withdrawing from them or interactions with them which opens its way down to corridors of spiraling questions.
I used to really believe that maybe the people I'm with were the problem; then if that's the case why does this feeling pop up with almost all the friends I make? even with family ? even with online friends through games ? its always there just slowly growing to the point I slowly brake down cause of it. It breaks me especially when I loose that friend due to the actions I take after I let that feeling just control my outburst.
One thing that made me realize its clearly me was through a game I was playing; I was in something similar a guild with players I've known for around a month; but then that feeling of un belonging and not really feeling apart started to swell up a feeling that made me think that the people I've known are all just being fake , putting up with me or ignoring me even if that wasn't the case ; so even in a simulated reality I can't escape this feeling ? Its ridiculous ? are games not supposed to be an escape from reality ? then why did this feeling accompany me into the game as strongly as it did when it swelled up with people from my real life ? This led to me quitting gaming itself; immersion shattered.
so if that feeling of not belonging anywhere also happens in game and irl then its clearly not the people; but its me myself, and nothing no matter what method I choose to escape with will ever eradicate that feeling.
On antidepressants I felt the same
without antidepressants I felt the same
on antipsychotics I've felt the same ; that feeling of unbelonging of no one truly caring about me; it has always accompanied me through life. It hurts me cause I withdraw from people due to this, I've been told I need to love myself ? but I don't hate myself ; I hate the way I feel
I hate how indecisive I feel; it feels like Im not in control of my own thoughts at times like different versions of me randomly taking control for any period of time they wish to and make choices based on the thoughts that version feels; then when it eventually cycles back to me like I call it the true me ; I mourn all the choices I made; but at the time it felt like I wanted to make those choices it felt like me in a way like it was what I wanted. Then a realizations hits like; was I the one that really did all that? say all that ? and it breaks me.
I'm lost in life; I thought I found a method of escape; but even that illusion was shattered itself; which just brings me back to the realization that there's really no where to run from myself or distract myself from my thoughts permanently; so if there's no way to really do that I'm really only left with one option
A feeling that makes me question whether the people I'm with truly want to be around me or are just putting up with me for the sake of it ?
A feeling that makes me question the authenticity of the people Im friends with...
A feeling that makes me ask myself do these people truly care about me as much as I care about them ?
These feelings have always accompanied me in life; not just around friends but around family members too, including people that I've known for years. Its a feeling that I can't shake; and when it does arise it brings its own barricade of thoughts along which again makes me question everyone and everything to the point I start questioning our friendship or relationship to them; this sometimes leads to it falling apart due to me believing that they don't really care about me the way they say they do.
I've lost countless friends and broken loads of relationships due to this way of thinking. I have it when I do think like that; its not something I just want to think off; it starts of as a feeling of not belonging with them which leads to me withdrawing from them or interactions with them which opens its way down to corridors of spiraling questions.
I used to really believe that maybe the people I'm with were the problem; then if that's the case why does this feeling pop up with almost all the friends I make? even with family ? even with online friends through games ? its always there just slowly growing to the point I slowly brake down cause of it. It breaks me especially when I loose that friend due to the actions I take after I let that feeling just control my outburst.
One thing that made me realize its clearly me was through a game I was playing; I was in something similar a guild with players I've known for around a month; but then that feeling of un belonging and not really feeling apart started to swell up a feeling that made me think that the people I've known are all just being fake , putting up with me or ignoring me even if that wasn't the case ; so even in a simulated reality I can't escape this feeling ? Its ridiculous ? are games not supposed to be an escape from reality ? then why did this feeling accompany me into the game as strongly as it did when it swelled up with people from my real life ? This led to me quitting gaming itself; immersion shattered.
so if that feeling of not belonging anywhere also happens in game and irl then its clearly not the people; but its me myself, and nothing no matter what method I choose to escape with will ever eradicate that feeling.
On antidepressants I felt the same
without antidepressants I felt the same
on antipsychotics I've felt the same ; that feeling of unbelonging of no one truly caring about me; it has always accompanied me through life. It hurts me cause I withdraw from people due to this, I've been told I need to love myself ? but I don't hate myself ; I hate the way I feel
I hate how indecisive I feel; it feels like Im not in control of my own thoughts at times like different versions of me randomly taking control for any period of time they wish to and make choices based on the thoughts that version feels; then when it eventually cycles back to me like I call it the true me ; I mourn all the choices I made; but at the time it felt like I wanted to make those choices it felt like me in a way like it was what I wanted. Then a realizations hits like; was I the one that really did all that? say all that ? and it breaks me.
I'm lost in life; I thought I found a method of escape; but even that illusion was shattered itself; which just brings me back to the realization that there's really no where to run from myself or distract myself from my thoughts permanently; so if there's no way to really do that I'm really only left with one option
