Discussion the ethics of not telling those around you that you want to ctb

[sweetbraid]

please tell me your thoughts on the following situation, from an ethical point of view:

okay, so, lets say you've been suicidal for a long time, let's say several years. you have some good, trusted people in your life, who you care about, and they care about you as well. in the past, you have been very open with them about your suicidal ideation. the past few weeks though, you haven't told them straight up 'i want to kill myself', and they havent asked that question directly - the reason for them not asking you 'are you okay' or 'are you still having these thoughts' being that they trust that if you are still seriously considering suicide, that you will tell them so. but you haven't done that in a little while. are you breaching their trust by not volunteering that information? are you betraying them by not telling them? because once youre dead, they will say, 'why didn't they tell me? why didn't they talk to me?' regardless of the reason for you not telling them youre going to kill yourself, what do you think?

thanks <3

 

[9BBN]

I'd say that those are your thoughts to keep unless you just want to share them, or if you plan to attempt. Sounds like you have really nice people you can count on.

 

[LastWhisper]

are you breaching their trust by not volunteering that information? are you betraying them by not telling them?

I'd say yes, partially, but from other side you still can be open with them with any other things and I'd say it's better than 'burden' them with your suicidal thoughts because they will probably trying to help you, and in the end if you gone, it all will turn out useless, which could make them even more sadden/disappointed (if that matter).

But it's my subjective opinion, it all depends on what you do (or do not) expect from them after telling that, how do they react on such things, etc, etc. Sometimes it's better to not involve people in such things, sometimes vice versa.

 

[Originaldon]

I am having this dilemma at the minute. The burning thought in your head constantly becomes unbearable to contain. However when your sitting there in front of your person it's like a complete mental block. However unless you want help there is no reason to mention it. I am fairly set on it and do not feel the need anymore to tell anyone.
The friend who I mentioned it to in passing, he clammed up and did not want to talk about it. I do not think he took it seriously. He is not a bad person but I think it makes him uncomfortable. As you said when I do it I know he will regret that but what more can I do without straight up telling him I'm going to CTB in a few weeks.
I think everyone will feel a burden so I think it'll only make the grief worse if you did tell them and did not want help.

 

[Winklemate]

I think this mostly depends on how committed the person is to committing suicide. Like if the person is fully committed to the act, than I think the most ethical thing is to remain quiet. Because if said person convinced that their words won't sway them, then opening up about it is only going to increase the time that those people have to suffer with that knowledge. If suicide is the end-goal no matter what, I think it's better to afford those people peace of mind until the act is committed, rather than them struggling to fix it & failing.

It will suck that in this situation, the person has been previous open about the situation because those left behind might in hindsight see that as a sign. Like if you go to reddit and check up any "What are some signs someone's about to commit suicide thread", one of the top voted answer will always be that they stopped acting depressed. Now granted, maybe those are usually about short-term changes, like suddenly seeming happy for the first time as oppose to this described situation where there are weeks where the person stopped discussing them. Maybe it doesn't apply but I still think people might make that connection, and that kind of sucks.

But if they're caring people like describe, they're always going to be upset at this point, there's no changing that. So if suicide is happening regardless, I think it's worse to make them worry basically needlessly and making them hurt earlier than they need to. If on the other hand, there's an uncertainty about it, I'd probably say they should open up but I don't think it's much of a slight against the person since at least they have a history of trying for others.

 

[Hattywacky]

Apparently being aware that someone will die reduces the suffering of grievers . Sudden unexpected death being more traumatic then other death.

People say they'd wished they'd of known etc. I assume the perceived value of knowing is entirely prevention based ie they believed that had they known about it prior to the suicide they think they could have prevented it, rather then they thought knowing the intention before hand would have reduced the suffering they felt post suicide.
But knowing also could afford to opportunity to say goodbye, which many may want.

So maybe there is value admitting it prior. I'm not sure. Or perhaps you just drag the suffering out for longer.
Regardless of the morality I guess you just have to be willing to deal with the consequences of it.

I've considered admitting it, in hopes it will reduce suffering and an opportunity to say good bye. I think realistically the consequence to be a chat with a medical dude and I say I'm all good g, then ctb after. At worst a year delay to ctb plans.

But ya could have bad luck and get watched like a hawk for years.

Considering I'm not sure how much benefit it would actually bring, and the potential shit ya have to deal with, I'm not willing to risk it. If It was guaranteed to just be a few months of being watched and a few unpleasant conversations I'd willingly accept the inconvenience and delay in the hope it reduces suffering. But it's neither guaranteed to only be a few month or to reduce suffering. so fuck that noise.