The end of youth

[OnMyLast Legs]

Hi, everyone. I'm 35 and I live like a child. Since a psychotic episode six years ago I've stayed with my dad. My only "job" is coaching high school wrestling. It gets me out of bed most mornings and I still work out for myself but I know I'll never be competitive again. The wrestling thing has pretty clearly been psychological regression: having failed to become an adult, I went back to running my teenage operating system.

For 15 years since I quit in college I've had this dream in the back of my mind: I'll come back, I'll get into great shape, I'll achieve glory after all. But I won't. I had talent and I discarded it. (I thought I was becoming some kind of intellectual--turns out it was just bipolar mania and the Dunning-Kruger effect.)

I've always cared a lot about being a muscular guy. I do not have a strong personality, so I rely on my body for confidence. But it's clearly not what it was. And it doesn't make me money. If I'm going to survive, I'll have to rely on my mind like most people.

Has anyone made it through such a transition? How do I accept aging and let go? I need to finish the last 10% of college and start some kind of white collar work. I probably still have the IQ for it, though I've lost some through depression and pot smoking.

My main problem is regret, and memories of an often-beautiful but ultimately wasted youth. I've had little tastes of a kind of happiness that will never return. I was jacked, and my hair hadn't fallen out. I dated smart and beautiful women who are now very successful (thanks, Google). My friends were brilliantly intelligent. I'm a tired bald guy on food stamps who opens his eyes before dawn every morning and immediately thinks of death.

How do I go on?

Thanks for reading my long, self-indulgent post. Maybe other people here can commiserate, or even offer advice.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I'm only 24 but dealing with the same, grieving the loss of things I can never get back (both in body and mind), time I can never regain. All I can offer is commiseration, but wishing you the best.

 

[Tired_of_myself]

I feel you… sometimes I remember all the opportunities I've got and I feel like a failure… sometimes I feel like I didn't cared enough to be successful when I was younger… now I understand I was already depressed since my youth years and never thought I would be here until now to be honest… when I understood that, my guilty became more bearable to life with. Wish you the best, fuck everyone's opinion about success and be yourself

 

[lebrodude]

Yeah I get what you are saying.
I feel the same, I'm 43 and I'm haunted by the wasted potential I had due to various bad decisions and other reasons.

Regret I think is one of the most painful emotions you can experience.

 

[savory]

Holy shit the sincerity of your post. 10% of college left and going the white collar route doesn't sound bad. You're inclined to be physically active so with a desk job you could possibly sustain a balanced lifestyle. Personally I can't imagine a desk job considering my work preferences and restlessness, but if I had nearly as much education to get my foot in the door like you do, I might give it a shot. Maybe find a position more on the go.

I don't know you or your life but based off what you wrote I'm actually a little envious. Maybe you don't have a big personality, I wouldn't know, however I can tell you're smart. You tell it like it is and articulate yourself very well. I don't know, just get the vibe maybe you need to take a leap of faith, try something different and try to regain a new confidence in yourself.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

A 17yo kicked my ass today. It's so unbelievably over.

An aged man is but a paltry thing, a tattered coat upon a stick, unless/ soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing for every tatter in its mortal dress.

Maybe this will allow me to finally go back to college. For all my flaws, I think I might have a nose for bullshit now. Perhaps I could write decent philosophy papers. I'll just lift light in the gym, plod on the treadmill, paddle back and forth in the pool like a normal person. Most people never wrestle at all...

And there's always suicide if I can't pay off the debt, lol.

 

[witchcraft]

I am 26 but I can relate in some small ways.

It's stupid, but I get irritated when I think about all these young influencers grifting hundreds of thousands of dollars, or 18 year old professional athletes making millions.

Why did my life have to turn out this way? How is this "better" at all? Like, AT ALL?

I need to at least get back in the gym so I don't feel like I'm half a century old. I guess it would be best to feel my age, not any older than I need to.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you can figure out something that at least keeps it from slipping further, something that can stabilize it where it's at for now, if that makes sense.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

@witchcraft envy is a huge problem for me. I just feel in my bones that I deserve a status I can't reach anymore.

 

[Redacted24]

Okay, here goes. I'm upper 50s and never had any physical form (skinny guy with glasses)
I survived on intellect and trying not to care about life's bullies.
Now I've thinning hair and an older middle age body. My coworkers can type without looking at the keyboard...I still hunt and peck. I work really hard and they out do me easily.
No love life or friends left
Sounds depressing? Yeah kind of.
But
I have lots of inherent expertise. I can see where things are going to be fouled up in the future when my colleagues want to take a specific action. I can start building the safety net for them when I'm ignored... and things start getting sideways.

The point is, we can't always compete at the same game. So we have to compete... on our own terms. Reset the field and use what we have to our advantage.

Challenging? Yeah sure. Frustrating? Check. But the hunger for the win is still there. It just needs to be redefined.
Sorry for the ramble. Been a long week.
Cheers!

 

[witchcraft]

@witchcraft envy is a huge problem for me. I just feel in my bones that I deserve a status I can't reach anymore.

That's a good way of putting it.

Yeah, I've heard all the common sayings against jealousy, how ugly it is or whatever.

Fact of the matter is: I cannot understand how my life is just as good as theirs. My only "solace" is knowing that They are a small minority. At least I am not the minority (in most ways, generally speaking).

With every metric I use in my analysis, I cannot help but conclude that my life is worse. People say that it all comes out in the wash, because we all die one day, ignoring that we did not all get to live equally. And even if I don't compare against others, I still feel unhappy with my life, and unable to do anything about it.

It's cliche, but all I can offer is to keep doing your best with what you have. Maybe you will get lucky, and something will change, something will happen, something will bring some form of meaning to a matter that has long bothered you.