Venting The dumbest thing set me off

[Neon Grave]

Only giving detail for context, I don't know how much of it is actually relevant to get the point across.

My mother, who is the only person I force myself to stay alive for, posted some AI generated photos in our family chat and belittled the people commenting that it was AI because she genuinely believed them to be real. We went back and forth for a while, in a way that I thought was civil and productive, about how far AI has advanced and the "tells" for identifying it are becoming fewer and far between.

I say "thought" because she suddenly blew up at me, telling me that I was "completely missing the point" and that the exact words she said were not what she meant. Basically, trying to save her ego and cover up her mistake by pretending that I was purposely misconstruing her, instead of owning up to being wrong. I tried to point out that maybe there was a miscommunication, because there were several messages that specifically conveyed her belief that the images were real.

But again, instead of simply owning up to the mistake, she continued to belittle me and said that I was "too autistic to get it."

I have no idea why, maybe I've just been having a bad week or bottling things for a while, but this completely set me off. Not in a way that made me respond to the messages, because her mind is clearly made up about where I stand on that, but I just burst into tears. The only person that I see value in, putting me down and insulting me, then realizing that I don't have a single other person in my life that I could vent to or ask for support. I've been taking pills and going to therapy and making a genuine effort to improve my life so that maybe, for the first time in 17 years (I am approaching 30), I wouldn't spend every waking moment fantasizing about how I'm going to fucking kill myself some day.

My preferred method would be Night-Night, but for the briefest second, I thought about the pistol in my bedside drawer. Because I have the power to completely mutilate my own body if I wanted to. Take away the privilege of them seeing my face fully intact. I don't think I've ever felt so much resentment in my life, and it really was just for the dumbest shit.

I don't know how to end this. This is my first post here. Thanks if you made it this far, I guess. You're a real one.

 

[whatever321]

I'm a real one dude, i read everything, you're not alone... i don't even know what to say, i don't really have a good relationship with my mom at all, i'm 24, my mom is super conservative, and i'm not at all, i'm an atheist, i'm more towards a leftist than a righty, so you can imagine how much we fight over ideologies... i've always tried to be rational, and comprehend why she thinks the way she does, and i always tell her about that, that i'm empathetic towards her point of view in life, but since i'm super nihilistic, and have always been depressive, since the age of 11 (when i first attempted CTB), over the years, i just lost more and more meaning for my own life, i'm literally unemployed, and surviving from the money that i saved from this past job that i got fired from, and the only thing that is holding me up to live, is going to the gym, and working out, which is my therapy, and of course, sometimes i think about what i can do to help my mom, but she just doesn't care at all about my state of mind, i already told her about my wishes of not wanting to be alive anymore, and she only said, that she couldn't do anything, 'cause it was my own decision... so i literally, would do anything to have a gun right now, but it's very hard to get one where i'm from (not the USA), so i'm legit just thinking about going to a shooting range, but that would also take a lot of time planning... anyways man, just be aware, that you are lucky to have a gun and you can choose whatever you want, at any point, but also, be aware that you probably, can also, choose to stay alive and see how everything turns out to be... take care in your decisions, i wish you the best ;)

 

[Neon Grave]

I'm real one dude, i read everything, you're not alone...

I'm so sorry you're going through all of that. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be, especially when she acknowledges your desire to leave and seems so shallow about it.

Truthfully, I would hate to have to use the gun when it seems like there are more accessible (and less brutal) ways to go, but I can understand why someone would want it. Seems a lot more permanent, I suppose, but I've read that it can be very technical to get the right aim. Absolutely tragic if you don't.

Thank you again for stopping by, it means a lot more than you know. Wishing the best for you as well, in life or death.

 

[Ash]

Doesn't sound "dumb" to me but rather an extremely valid reason.

 

[restinpeace2]

I'm a real one dude, i read everything, you're not alone... i don't even know what to say, i don't really have a good relationship with my mom at all, i'm 24, my mom is super conservative, and i'm not at all, i'm an atheist, i'm more towards a leftist than a righty, so you can imagine how much we fight over ideologies... i've always tried to be rational, and comprehend why she thinks the way she does, and i always tell her about that, that i'm empathetic towards her point of view in life, but since i'm super nihilistic, and have always been depressive, since the age of 11 (when i first attempted CTB), over the years, i just lost more and more meaning for my own life, i'm literally unemployed, and surviving from the money that i saved from this past job that i got fired from, and the only thing that is holding me up to live, is going to the gym, and working out, which is my therapy, and of course, sometimes i think about what i can do to help my mom, but she just doesn't care at all about my state of mind, i already told her about my wishes of not wanting to be alive anymore, and she only said, that she couldn't do anything, 'cause it was my own decision... so i literally, would do anything to have a gun right now, but it's very hard to get one where i'm from (not the USA), so i'm legit just thinking about going to a shooting range, but that would also take a lot of time planning... anyways man, just be aware, that you are lucky to have a gun and you can choose whatever you want, at any point, but also, be aware that you probably, can also, choose to stay alive and see how everything turns out to be... take care in your decisions, i wish you the best ;)

I haven't had a good relationship with my mum also. She made me move out earlier than I was ready to. It makes me sad that she said once "I don't understand why you always want to kill yourself". That was really upsetting, she is a religious and I am not. I think she secretly believes that because of not having a religion, it is all my fault for feeling this way. We aren't in contact anymore