donxtwait
why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
- Nov 9, 2022
- 150
I've suffered for a very long time now and will seem to suffer for awhile longer. I'm sure some people will laugh at me. It's not that I haven't tried therapy or meds. I have for my entire life.
I'm a young adult living in my parents house currently and I don't work or go to school. My life fell apart at a young age. So I guess I'm not that old and it may be hard for some to consider allowing a doctor to assist in ending my life in a hospital setting perhaps but maybe not because I am of legal age at this point. But I have been abused by my family and myself. My body is destructed. And I can't go on anymore. I've done all the therapy and medication I can but I do not currently have a way out. And yes, you may think suicide is easy but trust me I've had many, many attempts… I can't count how many anymore and they've all for the most part been very painful, some so much more painful than others, that have failed. I've done every attempt I have access to and it has done nothing but failed me and left me with nothing but so much more physical and mental damage, pain and torture (I guess those are the same I don't know…) and given me endless psychiatric stays. And yes, lots and lots and years and years of therapy and me trying. But I just don't want to be here. I'm still a bit young and it appears the world could be changing a bit on this topic later but I don't know how long that could take.
The thing is I'm not going to be able to change at this point because I don't even want to anymore past the moment I realized I was dead on earth. That sentence sums it up. I feel so dead inside. Why does anyone else care so much over the fact if other people can safely be allowed to exit this world in peace and not to experience going out likely in methods of pain when they've already been in pain for probably most of their lives to come to that point? And don't get me wrong, I know some people couldn't care less.
I just don't get this anymore. I'm at a point where this is such a simple idea to me that has a simple solution that should have already been resolved that it doesn't fucking make any sense to me anymore and I have no where to turn to anymore. I'm just going to be in pain rotting in my room for whoever knows however much longer and this reality is killing me so much inside and I have just nothing I can do about it. The years of me being able to past the time through destructive habits, watching movies and TV, walking and running, reading, writing, schooling/working or various hobbies are long over now. This is fucking it. The only thing I really I have left is music, one favorite movie of mine when I can still enjoy it, DXM, my benzo script and anxiety meds and the sleeping pills for my chronic insomnia that I can abuse to sleep my life away. I fucking hate it here. I just don't want to be here another week and I hate that I'm even posting this because I'll probably just be embarrassed later because social anxiety. I am suffering so much the longer I am stuck here and I just don't want to talk about it anymore. I feel like I can't breath right now and I'm in such in a panic. I took most of my xanax script for the month but luckily have an extra script of benzos to use until my next one from my doc. I just hope I don't wake up but I know that won't be the case as always. This is just not making any sense to me anymore.
After years of the countless other therapy and meds I've told you of, I am currently only recently in therapy (well, I think my first session with her was in 2021… god all these years are becoming a blur, how the fuck am I even 22 now) with a therapist who actually shares these views with me on assisted suicide for people like me and people who come to post on this site or have yet to discover it. I can't remember some of our conversations on this now because I have been developing early onset dementia from the sleep aids and DPH I've been taking and abusing for years lmao but I'd assume it'd be because she's heard first hand stories of people like me possibly. But I actually don't think she's personally told me how she came to that stance on this herself.
Honestly she was the FIRST mental health counselor I had ever come across who shared this view and it honestly shocked me. I haven't felt so judged by her in our sessions and at risk of being 51/50'd or like I'm "treatment-resistant." Although I haven't been going as frequently anymore for awhile now actually… and I've pretty much have sorta discontinued. I've sorta become completely schizoid now for the most part I don't really speak to anyone. I only have to a few people online but mostly have stopped, and I don't even speak to the people in my home. Only if it is direly necessary I mumble to my mother or we talk via text. We have a fine/good relationship and all, but she pretty much understands I want to exit this world and how miserable I am currently.
I was going to post this on Reddit instead of here so sorry if I worded this weird… but I don't know if I want to currently. Reading through posts there I know some people will agree and some won't. Honestly I might care to see the sides of the argument go on for awhile so maybe. I just don't know if being legally euthanized is coming to me anytime soon. Hate to be a party pooper but for where I'm currently located in America to say the least. But hey, maybe that's just me being let down so much from experience talking.
I may just be suffering for awhile longer until I get another way out and that sucks and it's so fucked up. I hate it, all I want is to peacefully go now and not have to be here in anymore physical and mental torture in this disgusting ugly body anymore. I can't even bare to look at myself in a mirror and I hate to leave my bed. I TRIED IT ALL. I really really did try the way that they wanted me to before I decided I wanted to cease to exist and even if I hadn't ever tried and didn't try hard enough or long enough, who the fuck cares? That's not no one else's right to say I don't deserve to be allowed to be peacefully be taken out of my misery like we do to helpless animals EVERY single day. What makes those animals any different than us humans.
If you truly believe one living being shouldn't be put out of their misery, then you can't just go on and say another should be allowed. I'm sorry that argument just makes no sense and I won't ever agree with it at the end of the day because I don't quite view humans personally as being the ultimate species of all kind but that's just me.
I saw some posts on Reddit argue over on how can abortion be legal but not human euthanasia, now I won't say I don't sympathize with their thoughts but do personally support both being legal 100%. I can understand where that idea can come from absolutely but personally I think both should obviously be legal I will say. That's my personal views.
I truly sympathize with anyone who's lost a loved one to suicide. But it's not your right to take anyone one else that is truly suffering deeply right's away from ending their own life peacefully and educating others on the fight for legal human euthanasia for the mentally suffering… I'm sorry if that sounds rude but I just don't feel like that's your right to spend your time doing that.
Anyways, I'm gonna sign off for awhile. Hopefully I die in the meantime but if I don't I'm sure I'll be back. I'm just going to actually rot in my bed going forward truly so wish me luck in that killing me because I don't have any other way at going currently.
Also, awhile ago my mother was made my legal guardian about shortly after I turned 18 after one suicide attempt which was actually the one that I can say I remember was the closest to bringing me to the peace I desire. Thinking about just how close I was brings me so much relief just thinking about it now… I truly was so close ya'll… can't say I'll ever be there again for who knows how long though. I feel so controlled now.
She was made my legal guardian because just of how scared the doctors were I think and because of my various other attempts.
The movie I mentioned is Donnie Darko by the way. I prefer and strictly watch the director's cut as a fan of the movie, though different people of a version in which they'd prefer and I'd recommend watching the theatrical first if you've happened to never watch it and check it out! "I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad… the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."
I don't know if anyone else here really likes that movie but personally I've never been more obsessed with a film in my life, and I'm a big fan of films/media. I've heard of others becoming obsessed with the film, and I think I could see why but I'm too tired now to try to explain why I enjoy it. Definitely a great movie to watch if you've taken any form of drug that can cause any form of a trip.
I'm so miserable now I could just sleep, and whenever I can't sleep watch that movie and hear music if I can manage but for the most part just stare into the abyss when I can't sleep. And it's looks like that's it for me now… I just slept for like an entire a day… back to sleep for me soon.
Anyone in Ohio looking for a partner that has supplies that isn't a FED feel free to hit me up actually… I don't actually probably have a way currently to supply us with anything that could bring us to the end because of my shitty life so sorry about that!
I guess that I'm burned out after all…
I'm a young adult living in my parents house currently and I don't work or go to school. My life fell apart at a young age. So I guess I'm not that old and it may be hard for some to consider allowing a doctor to assist in ending my life in a hospital setting perhaps but maybe not because I am of legal age at this point. But I have been abused by my family and myself. My body is destructed. And I can't go on anymore. I've done all the therapy and medication I can but I do not currently have a way out. And yes, you may think suicide is easy but trust me I've had many, many attempts… I can't count how many anymore and they've all for the most part been very painful, some so much more painful than others, that have failed. I've done every attempt I have access to and it has done nothing but failed me and left me with nothing but so much more physical and mental damage, pain and torture (I guess those are the same I don't know…) and given me endless psychiatric stays. And yes, lots and lots and years and years of therapy and me trying. But I just don't want to be here. I'm still a bit young and it appears the world could be changing a bit on this topic later but I don't know how long that could take.
The thing is I'm not going to be able to change at this point because I don't even want to anymore past the moment I realized I was dead on earth. That sentence sums it up. I feel so dead inside. Why does anyone else care so much over the fact if other people can safely be allowed to exit this world in peace and not to experience going out likely in methods of pain when they've already been in pain for probably most of their lives to come to that point? And don't get me wrong, I know some people couldn't care less.
I just don't get this anymore. I'm at a point where this is such a simple idea to me that has a simple solution that should have already been resolved that it doesn't fucking make any sense to me anymore and I have no where to turn to anymore. I'm just going to be in pain rotting in my room for whoever knows however much longer and this reality is killing me so much inside and I have just nothing I can do about it. The years of me being able to past the time through destructive habits, watching movies and TV, walking and running, reading, writing, schooling/working or various hobbies are long over now. This is fucking it. The only thing I really I have left is music, one favorite movie of mine when I can still enjoy it, DXM, my benzo script and anxiety meds and the sleeping pills for my chronic insomnia that I can abuse to sleep my life away. I fucking hate it here. I just don't want to be here another week and I hate that I'm even posting this because I'll probably just be embarrassed later because social anxiety. I am suffering so much the longer I am stuck here and I just don't want to talk about it anymore. I feel like I can't breath right now and I'm in such in a panic. I took most of my xanax script for the month but luckily have an extra script of benzos to use until my next one from my doc. I just hope I don't wake up but I know that won't be the case as always. This is just not making any sense to me anymore.
After years of the countless other therapy and meds I've told you of, I am currently only recently in therapy (well, I think my first session with her was in 2021… god all these years are becoming a blur, how the fuck am I even 22 now) with a therapist who actually shares these views with me on assisted suicide for people like me and people who come to post on this site or have yet to discover it. I can't remember some of our conversations on this now because I have been developing early onset dementia from the sleep aids and DPH I've been taking and abusing for years lmao but I'd assume it'd be because she's heard first hand stories of people like me possibly. But I actually don't think she's personally told me how she came to that stance on this herself.
Honestly she was the FIRST mental health counselor I had ever come across who shared this view and it honestly shocked me. I haven't felt so judged by her in our sessions and at risk of being 51/50'd or like I'm "treatment-resistant." Although I haven't been going as frequently anymore for awhile now actually… and I've pretty much have sorta discontinued. I've sorta become completely schizoid now for the most part I don't really speak to anyone. I only have to a few people online but mostly have stopped, and I don't even speak to the people in my home. Only if it is direly necessary I mumble to my mother or we talk via text. We have a fine/good relationship and all, but she pretty much understands I want to exit this world and how miserable I am currently.
I was going to post this on Reddit instead of here so sorry if I worded this weird… but I don't know if I want to currently. Reading through posts there I know some people will agree and some won't. Honestly I might care to see the sides of the argument go on for awhile so maybe. I just don't know if being legally euthanized is coming to me anytime soon. Hate to be a party pooper but for where I'm currently located in America to say the least. But hey, maybe that's just me being let down so much from experience talking.
I may just be suffering for awhile longer until I get another way out and that sucks and it's so fucked up. I hate it, all I want is to peacefully go now and not have to be here in anymore physical and mental torture in this disgusting ugly body anymore. I can't even bare to look at myself in a mirror and I hate to leave my bed. I TRIED IT ALL. I really really did try the way that they wanted me to before I decided I wanted to cease to exist and even if I hadn't ever tried and didn't try hard enough or long enough, who the fuck cares? That's not no one else's right to say I don't deserve to be allowed to be peacefully be taken out of my misery like we do to helpless animals EVERY single day. What makes those animals any different than us humans.
If you truly believe one living being shouldn't be put out of their misery, then you can't just go on and say another should be allowed. I'm sorry that argument just makes no sense and I won't ever agree with it at the end of the day because I don't quite view humans personally as being the ultimate species of all kind but that's just me.
I saw some posts on Reddit argue over on how can abortion be legal but not human euthanasia, now I won't say I don't sympathize with their thoughts but do personally support both being legal 100%. I can understand where that idea can come from absolutely but personally I think both should obviously be legal I will say. That's my personal views.
I truly sympathize with anyone who's lost a loved one to suicide. But it's not your right to take anyone one else that is truly suffering deeply right's away from ending their own life peacefully and educating others on the fight for legal human euthanasia for the mentally suffering… I'm sorry if that sounds rude but I just don't feel like that's your right to spend your time doing that.
Anyways, I'm gonna sign off for awhile. Hopefully I die in the meantime but if I don't I'm sure I'll be back. I'm just going to actually rot in my bed going forward truly so wish me luck in that killing me because I don't have any other way at going currently.
Also, awhile ago my mother was made my legal guardian about shortly after I turned 18 after one suicide attempt which was actually the one that I can say I remember was the closest to bringing me to the peace I desire. Thinking about just how close I was brings me so much relief just thinking about it now… I truly was so close ya'll… can't say I'll ever be there again for who knows how long though. I feel so controlled now.
She was made my legal guardian because just of how scared the doctors were I think and because of my various other attempts.
The movie I mentioned is Donnie Darko by the way. I prefer and strictly watch the director's cut as a fan of the movie, though different people of a version in which they'd prefer and I'd recommend watching the theatrical first if you've happened to never watch it and check it out! "I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad… the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."
I don't know if anyone else here really likes that movie but personally I've never been more obsessed with a film in my life, and I'm a big fan of films/media. I've heard of others becoming obsessed with the film, and I think I could see why but I'm too tired now to try to explain why I enjoy it. Definitely a great movie to watch if you've taken any form of drug that can cause any form of a trip.
I'm so miserable now I could just sleep, and whenever I can't sleep watch that movie and hear music if I can manage but for the most part just stare into the abyss when I can't sleep. And it's looks like that's it for me now… I just slept for like an entire a day… back to sleep for me soon.
Anyone in Ohio looking for a partner that has supplies that isn't a FED feel free to hit me up actually… I don't actually probably have a way currently to supply us with anything that could bring us to the end because of my shitty life so sorry about that!
I guess that I'm burned out after all…
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