Venting The disgusting ambivalence

[sisyphean-nightmare]

I've been having a couple of decent days. Bearable, sometimes even actually pleasant. Which made the idea of CTB seem very distant, because I felt so alive. Whenever this happens, I start to examine the option of keeping going and it always creates a massive anxiety and overwhelm. There would be so many things I'd need to fix, so much uncertainty, so many new painful memories and all of those things started mattering way less when I decided to CTB. So everything I can do in order to cope with life is deciding I'm going to end it, but that ironically makes me feel like living is an option, then I can't cope again because I don't want my life.

The human psyche is not a fun one.

 

[Username1359751]

I haven't experienced it much, but they say emotions ar temporary. Come in waves. Tell you to "wait until a bad one passes." I don't suppose you did anything differently?

 

[sisyphean-nightmare]

I haven't experienced it much, but they say emotions ar temporary. Come in waves. Tell you to "wait until a bad one passes." I don't suppose you did anything differently?

I think the only thing I've done differently is that I haven't done anything at all. I've let myself go and have barely had a care in the world.