MyShadow
Left the forum to pursue recovery
- Aug 27, 2025
- 475
Personally, I don't use drugs or alcohol, not even socially or recreationally. Yet, based on what I am feeling inside, I empathize with those that do. Facing these feelings of loss and hopelessness head-on is overwhelming, yet I fear that choosing to numb the pain with booze or drugs will lead to something that I can't control.
I need to keep a clear head now because choosing to CTB is surprisingly complicated, and I need a clear head so I can make vital decisions and prepare my exit. Plus, based on my observations, it seems that whenever substances are involved, law enforcement is not far behind. Once that comes into play, the freedom to choose is removed. I choose sobriety to keep my options clear and open.
This is not to say that I won't use a drug on the day I choose to CTB. That may sound hypocritical, but I will need something to overcome my survival instincts. Even now, the fear of the preparation process of dying already causes massive anxiety.
Strangely enough, I fear the judgment of my family and friends. If there's an autopsy, those substances will be taken into account and I will be labeled accordingly, regardless of my history of sobriety.
I just wanted to share my feelings for those who use drugs or alcohol to cope. These feelings, the nightmares, the loneliness, the pain, the sadness... I too wish I could erase all of it, even for a short time. I just know that drugs or alcohol don't make them go away.
I need to keep a clear head now because choosing to CTB is surprisingly complicated, and I need a clear head so I can make vital decisions and prepare my exit. Plus, based on my observations, it seems that whenever substances are involved, law enforcement is not far behind. Once that comes into play, the freedom to choose is removed. I choose sobriety to keep my options clear and open.
This is not to say that I won't use a drug on the day I choose to CTB. That may sound hypocritical, but I will need something to overcome my survival instincts. Even now, the fear of the preparation process of dying already causes massive anxiety.
Strangely enough, I fear the judgment of my family and friends. If there's an autopsy, those substances will be taken into account and I will be labeled accordingly, regardless of my history of sobriety.
I just wanted to share my feelings for those who use drugs or alcohol to cope. These feelings, the nightmares, the loneliness, the pain, the sadness... I too wish I could erase all of it, even for a short time. I just know that drugs or alcohol don't make them go away.
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