The deterioration of my life

[September5th]

Hi folks, I'm new here.
I wanted to share with you my current situation and, perhaps, receive some tips on how to end it all.
To put it simple: I'm crushed. I recently broke up with my girlfriend, who is a great person and was responsible for the best and most hopeful days of my life. It all happened so fast. She is working on some childhood trauma while also studying medicine. We were fine until March when she completely changed and after a month she broke up with me. In her words, she knew her absence was hurting me and felt it was best to move on and focus on what she needs to do. This is a stance I respect, but it hurts. It hurts because I legitimately love her and things didn't have to end this way just because of a single odd month.
For context, we've been best friends since childhood. We spent some time apart, but after we met again, we started dating within a month. She was my first girlfriend and brought colors to my life. I introduced her to my family and she did the same. She called me every day and we always planned dates. We still talk, but it isn't the same. I miss her smile, her scent, her laugh and her general company. Even the days I wasn't with her were great. I wasn't perfect, but I did my best and matured a lot. How can I possibly go back to being alone? It's torture.
If that was all, I would be fine. But no. Around the same week we broke up I moved to a new town. I'm all alone: no friends and no family to help me out. I'm here to study, of course. Face-to-face classes are back and I'm having to deal with a course I hate. I'm studying translation, something truly despicable for me. I'm in the middle of this insanity and simply I can't drop out. I hate every class. I just sit there and think about how miserable my life is now. Every day. It's not even a thing that's gonna make me a lot of money or anything.
I just hate existing right now. It's amazing how my life has deteriorated so much in just six months. I spent New Year's Eve with my girlfriend in my arms, happy and thinking that I would be able to finish this course. Now I'm here, with no urge to live. I just want to do nothing. I've tried going to parties, getting drunk, kissing other girls and spending my money but nothing works. Everything sucks. All I wanted was to either go back in time or die in peace. You have no idea how much it hurts to remember when she first kissed me. I'm devastated. Being alone sucks and I don't feel like looking for someone else. My dream of becoming an airline pilot is also far away now. Not that I even care anymore.

I'm done being alone and miserable. My birthday is in 12 days and here I am. After all my efforts, I'll be in a shit hole again. I'm thinking about SN. Is it the best method? I wanna slam some Daft Punk, lay down and die. I will thank my best friend, ex and family before taking this trip to nothingness. I probably won't do it, but I want to.
If there's a better method, plese tell me. Thanks.

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel like only you can decide what is the best method for yourself and your situation. I'm sorry that you suffer so unbearably. Living really is so painful and disappointing. I know that it can be dreadful when everything seems so hopeless. I wish you the best in whatever happens and I hope that you find relief from your suffering.

 

[motel rooms]

I will thank my best friend, ex and family before taking this trip to nothingness. I probably won't do it, but I want to.

Give yourself more time.

 

[September5th]

I feel like only you can decide what is the best method for yourself and your situation.

I want a quick, yet peaceful death. I want to lay down and listen to some nice songs while I think about my life (the moments I was happy and whatnot).
That's why SN seems to be the best way to go. It's also easily accessible and all.

Give yourself more time.

I'm trying my best to do that and recover. I want to be happy again some day. Who knows? Thanks.

 

[motel rooms]

I want a quick, yet peaceful death. I want to lay down and listen to some nice songs while I think about my life (the moments I was happy and whatnot).
That's why SN seems to be the best way to go. It's also easily accessible and all.

Death by SN isn't that peaceful, sorry. You wouldn't be able to lay back & listen to music, you'd feel pretty crappy & possibly puke.

 

[novem]

CTB because of some girl? Really? Do you know how many girls there are?
Sorry man, I hate to tell you that but she decided to go fish a bit more than with a childhood friend and you should do the same.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm having trouble myself wrapping my head around wanting to die just because I lost a girl. I remember what it felt like in high school during break-ups. It WAS devastating. I remember wanting to die then, but not really, you know what I mean. Every negative thing back then seemed like the end of the world. I remember being screwed-up for months when something like that happened. I don't know how, but somehow I persevered through it all. What doesn't kill you is supposed to make you stronger. I know it's a platitude, but I do think life experience does just that. And I know that it only goes so far. Even in college, one is still young, without a fully developed brain, which doesn't happen until around 24 or 25 years old. She may come back to you after she spreads her wings a bit. You'll need to be able to "deal" with her spreading her wings a bit. Maybe concentrate on growing a little more and figure out how you'll be able to do just that, if she comes back to you. And while you're doing that, the pain will lessen a little day-by-day, and when it gets to the point where you have other thoughts in your mind, then you will be able to concentrate on you again and start anew.

 

[September5th]

CTB because of some girl? Really? Do you know how many girls there are?
Sorry man, I hate to tell you that but she decided to go fish a bit more than with a childhood friend and you should do the same.

I won't actually kill myself. Writing this was a way to ease some of my pain. You know, when you throw up everything you have to say at once.
She broke up because she knew she couldn't face her current situation and maintain a relationship at the same time. This girl has been through a lot (obviously, I will preserve her privacy and say nothing). It was a mature decision and I know she was devastated afterwards. I'm just feeling the same. No will to exist, that's all.

Thanks for the advice, @locked*n*loaded! You're a pretty mature dude. I wish you well.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Thanks for the advice, @locked*n*loaded! You're a pretty mature dude. I wish you well.

Thanks for the complement and all, but, remember, although I've lived a lot longer than you and have experienced a bunch more things than you, at this stage of my life and where I am in it, you're still getting advice from someone who is seriously winding down their life and making legitimate plans for their own demise within the next year or so so I can end my intolerable misery.

 

[Al Cappella]

If you've been friends since childhood, then there's a good chance this isn't over. Sometimes people really do need to take time for their own shit. Yes, it hurts, no question, but we all go through it at one time or another.

 

[virgilwalks]

Give yourself some time. You have worth. Your life has worth. Childhood friends are rare - it's possible you can find a level to your relationship that works.

 

[September5th]

Thanks for the kind words, guys. I'm trying to give myself time and live a day out of time.
It's so hard... I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it, have nightmares every single day. It's demoralizing. TV is helping me out, as miserable as that sounds. I also went to a party yesterday. I'm so tired of pretending that everything is ok. I want to rest.
At least I can always come here and vent.