I think I only mentioned this story a few times. Today my SN arrived and my best friend called me for 3 hours. He said he just wanted to play video games with me but he also said maybe his sub-conscious nudged him into that direction. I talked a lot about suicide and he brought that story up. I told him not to worry too much because I never attempted. And he replied well buying a tent to fantasize killing yourself with it might count for him as attempt. I disagreed with that. Standing up on the 7th floor of a building or partial I did that might be qualified as an attempt. But personally I did not want to go through with it. I just wanted to get the feeling how it feels like to look death in its eyes. For me that does not count as attempt. But this is not the main point of this story. I had to chuckle about the tent episode. It was so absurd.
When my first psychosis with major depression hit I was 18 years old. I was severely suicidal. I did not have a lot of knowledge on methods but I am a person with a very vivid and explicit ideation. I talked about suicide 24/7. I think there was a mediocre German suicide forum I sometimes visited but not joined. My mom was overburdended she is not a perfect example of a parent anyway. Technically I bought it but I did it with the ebay account of my mom and asked for her allowance. She knew I was fantasizing to kill myself with it. We often grilled with my family (that I truely hate I distanced myself from them gladly) regularly within this time period. Also with charcoal grills we bought. My mom knew everything and sort of supported it. Maybe I could have pulled it off if I really wanted to.
Today my SN arrived and I was pretty anxious someone could interfere in it. I live in the same house as my mom because I am a total wreck that cannot be independent. I was scared someone could find it out. Noone did gladly. I am pretty content that SN is my method. I don't like to engage in method discussion I feel uncomfortable with it. But there is so much that can go wrong with charcoal if you are as clumsy as me. I rather would end up burning down our house or end up as a vegetable killing the people who find me.
I have changed my prefered methods during all these years often. I am also glad I don't have to rely on partial. Jumping would be my alternative to SN but I had problems to find a good spot. I have the feeling with SN I have found the method that fits to my overthinking and anxieties.
Others have described how liberating the option for an exit in each moment can be. However I still feel like I have a committment towards my friends and parents. My mom had 2 strokes recently. My horror scenario is I survive SN and she dies or ends up completely disabled. We are highly dependent on her job. I have the feeling with SN I can kill myself more impulsively. I am not sure how exactly it will influence my behavior. I have not noticed major changes in my thinking so far.
I told my friends I might can outlive my parents but I can't outlive you. Honestly I have doubts whether I am able to outlive my parents. This could take one or two decades. I have doubts whether my pain limit won't be reached earlier. I told my friends due to the fact I can't outlive you it seems that we have to say goodbye one day. And in my opinion it does not matter whether this will be now or in some years. Both of them disagreed heavily.
I had the thought experiment to kill myself on Sunday. I asked them how I could make my departure easier for them. And they said I should explore remaining option for finding a way to live prior to it. I recommended to them reading my SaSu posts where I described the ridiculous amount of desperate attempts I tried to find a way to survive. I also tell my two closest friends sometimes anecdotes about this forum. Today I explained to my best friends the unique characters I met in this forum. My friends are pro-choice though. One of them was recommended the Tantacrul video and read the comments and also considered it as dishonest wanting to take the right of adults to discuss suicide uncensored.
I also called my psychiatrist. It will be a difficult task explaining how horrible I feel for going to another clinic. (My sixth clinic stay within 9 years. Lmao.) At the same I am not allowed to be too explicit about having SN at home ready to kill myself any time. I struggle to walk on a fine line when elaborating on my suicidality. I tend to be too careful so that they don't take my suffering serious. Phoning with my friend distracted me very well. I am curious which impact the SN will have. I am so glad there were no complications so far.
When my first psychosis with major depression hit I was 18 years old. I was severely suicidal. I did not have a lot of knowledge on methods but I am a person with a very vivid and explicit ideation. I talked about suicide 24/7. I think there was a mediocre German suicide forum I sometimes visited but not joined. My mom was overburdended she is not a perfect example of a parent anyway. Technically I bought it but I did it with the ebay account of my mom and asked for her allowance. She knew I was fantasizing to kill myself with it. We often grilled with my family (that I truely hate I distanced myself from them gladly) regularly within this time period. Also with charcoal grills we bought. My mom knew everything and sort of supported it. Maybe I could have pulled it off if I really wanted to.
Today my SN arrived and I was pretty anxious someone could interfere in it. I live in the same house as my mom because I am a total wreck that cannot be independent. I was scared someone could find it out. Noone did gladly. I am pretty content that SN is my method. I don't like to engage in method discussion I feel uncomfortable with it. But there is so much that can go wrong with charcoal if you are as clumsy as me. I rather would end up burning down our house or end up as a vegetable killing the people who find me.
I have changed my prefered methods during all these years often. I am also glad I don't have to rely on partial. Jumping would be my alternative to SN but I had problems to find a good spot. I have the feeling with SN I have found the method that fits to my overthinking and anxieties.
Others have described how liberating the option for an exit in each moment can be. However I still feel like I have a committment towards my friends and parents. My mom had 2 strokes recently. My horror scenario is I survive SN and she dies or ends up completely disabled. We are highly dependent on her job. I have the feeling with SN I can kill myself more impulsively. I am not sure how exactly it will influence my behavior. I have not noticed major changes in my thinking so far.
I told my friends I might can outlive my parents but I can't outlive you. Honestly I have doubts whether I am able to outlive my parents. This could take one or two decades. I have doubts whether my pain limit won't be reached earlier. I told my friends due to the fact I can't outlive you it seems that we have to say goodbye one day. And in my opinion it does not matter whether this will be now or in some years. Both of them disagreed heavily.
I had the thought experiment to kill myself on Sunday. I asked them how I could make my departure easier for them. And they said I should explore remaining option for finding a way to live prior to it. I recommended to them reading my SaSu posts where I described the ridiculous amount of desperate attempts I tried to find a way to survive. I also tell my two closest friends sometimes anecdotes about this forum. Today I explained to my best friends the unique characters I met in this forum. My friends are pro-choice though. One of them was recommended the Tantacrul video and read the comments and also considered it as dishonest wanting to take the right of adults to discuss suicide uncensored.
I also called my psychiatrist. It will be a difficult task explaining how horrible I feel for going to another clinic. (My sixth clinic stay within 9 years. Lmao.) At the same I am not allowed to be too explicit about having SN at home ready to kill myself any time. I struggle to walk on a fine line when elaborating on my suicidality. I tend to be too careful so that they don't take my suffering serious. Phoning with my friend distracted me very well. I am curious which impact the SN will have. I am so glad there were no complications so far.
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