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ladidabi

ladidabi

Losing all hope is freedom.
Mar 19, 2023
33
I can't get my head off the fact it's my birthday today. I already made a post earlier about this, but it's genuinely driving me mad, as ridiculous as it may seem. Growing up, my birthdays have always consisted of physical abuse, because it's shit I had to go through daily. Even worse is on birthdays when one generally expects a slight welcome feeling. Now having grown up in unpredictable conditions, where I'd have a welcoming family with hugs and smiles, to the same people beating you to the ground. It's still stuck with me now that I'm and adult, and I'm out the house, away from them. Everyone is fake, I never really mattered. Those fuckers that hurt me where stupidly enough the only ones who would recognize my existence for a split second, before completely humiliating me and hurting me to the point of not recovering until hours, if not days later physically.

I'm sitting here now, on the bed. I just want to drink and cry myself to sleep, as it's the most comfort I'm getting right now. It's 7pm. All day I've feeling like I've been choking, while trying to make myself feel better. I just don't feel like I matter, I rarely do, but days like this is just a slow, steady penetration with a knife, straight to my chest. Trying not to cry all day, but as I'm writing this, I have lost this control, and will now soak the pillow this afternoon. I can't believe I'm still alive, it hurts. It hurts a lot.


Happy birthday to me.
 
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