Venting the day I finally give that poor little girl her relief

[primadonna_]

I've been thinking recently. Like, really hard. I've been like this forever, literally forever. I remember being like 7 or 8 years old in the car driving to disneyland thinking "after this i'll finallly do it. I'll finally k*ll myself." I was waiting to ctb after I finally go to go to disney with my mom— I cried myself to sleep that night, the night after and almost every day after that. But I never followed up. I never followed through, I never did it, and I really regret it. Everything is such a waste, and all the time and effort i've spent talking to people, fighting with my parents, doing schoolwork, literally moving.. is all for nothing. I've always known I was going to end up like this, I knew I was never gonna contribute to society, fall in love or have kids. My life is meaningless, and I was just doing things for the sake of doing things. Around 13 I realized I was only there just to see how things play out, I didn't care about my friends, my education or my grades. Then I went through high school, somehow graduated with mediocre grades and went to college for the SOLE purpose of having fun and ending it as soon as i'm done. I can exit this world whenever I want to, and I will— but why haven't I yet? Why didn't I follow up? Why didn't I just find some way to end it right after I got home? Things just go downhill from there anyways. My life is a game, a sick game and everyone around me is just a background character of my endless, miserable and meaningless life. I'm excited for the day I ctb, the day I can finally fulfill that poor little girls wishes. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am.

nobody will read this lol

 

[Forever Sleep]

nobody will read this lol

We will. I imagine lots will read and relate to it.

I'm so sorry. That really is such a young age to start having these thoughts. It is a strange feeling though- I agree. I was 10 when I started having thoughts. I suppose it does feel like I've taken the long route round and back to suicide. I'm not convinced it was worth it. Do you feel like you mostly held on for the sake of other people or, did hope spur you on?

 

[dewdfish]

It's almost scary how much I relate to this. I've been having these exact same thoughts since I was 12/13. I'm 23 now, it didn't get better, matter fact it feels like things played out for the worse. I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation

 

[Karrikin]

7 or 8 seems an unfortunately young age to consider such heavy things. I am sorry life has been this way for you but I guess I've found myself in the same chasms of despair, even if it was only the latter half of my elementary years. It's almost as if life is keeping the reason why I am here obfuscated through the most difficult ways it can and my curiosity will not let me die. Either way, I hope that you may find some resolution to this.

 

[itsgone2]

I'm excited for the day I ctb, the day I can finally fulfill that poor little girls wishes. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am.

Our lives are very different but I completely relate to this. Unfortunately.