birdofafeather

birdofafeather

Just tired
Feb 12, 2023
45
As the title says, the date has been set. I decided to go for a kind of 3/4 year anniversary for an important event in my life, so that the date has a semblance of significance without ruining someone's day of celebration. Though, to be fair, once I'm gone, so is that date. It also has the added benefit of being long enough since the leaks for people to not associate my death with the actions of my abuser. If nothing else is, at least my death will be my own.
It's just over a week away, and I feel nothing, really, which is by far an improvement from my normal constant head splitting avalanche of thoughts, perpetually spinning out of control. The quiet is nice.
The method I've decided to go with is shallow water blackout. After a lot of testing, I realise that I need to hyperventilate for about 2 minutes to get results (I was a singer and a swimmer, which probably explains why it takes so much), but it's reliable enough for me to be able to recreate it on different days and times. I have it down. The plan is to clean my room over the next week (the state of it is something I am incredibly ashamed of), finalise my note, and finish choosing / scouting between the two potential locations. One is in the river in the middle of my city, it's pretty isolated at night, and if I walk far enough away from the city centre, it should be a while before I am discovered. The issue is, it's pretty public, and it's a city with some nightlife, so there is a chance of me being stopped or rescued. The second option is about a 45 minutes bike ride away. I haven't scouted it yet due to my life being a bit too busy, but it seems private, but not too private. Should a search be put out for me (which is unlikely, it'll take about a week to a month for people to notice I've vanished), I'll be found quite quickly, and hopefully in enough of a state of decay for my body to not be abused. I also hope they'll find the note before they find me, so they actually respect me and my identity postmortem (it may be too much to ask, but one can dream).
In terms of clothes, I'll be wearing a dress I crocheted out of pretty thick wool, which has a lot of layers (I'll be having my Ophelia moment), so it should, if everything goes to plan, get waterlogged, and help keep my head submerged, and help me start to decompose faster. I also own some armband weight things, so I'll be using those as well to help out.
If I fail, I don't know if I'll be able to show my face here again out of shame. So either way, whether I catch the bus, or fail, this was my final monologue before my goodbye post. I appreciate you guys letting me rant for hours here, typing out the things I so desperately needed to say.
After so many failures (12) this is the time I'll be finally free.
 
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BoredomSeeker

BoredomSeeker

"A black light bulb. The repression of an idea."
May 25, 2023
100
I'm sorry life brought you to this point, and I hope you'll find peace.
 
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starlightsun

starlightsun

Member
May 26, 2023
49
If you fail please don't feel like you can't come back here. I think I can safely say most would not judge you, I certainly would not. I wish you peace.
 
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soontobec0rpse

soontobec0rpse

soontobecorpse <3
May 27, 2023
37
i hope you find peace. i hope your last moments aren't those of regret, but relief. something lifted from you. this cruel world did not deserve you, you will find peace my friend <3
 
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A

absolomonisgone

Specialist
Jan 23, 2023
322
reading your post, shame seems to be a very big deal to you. hopefully you don't think of it so much.
 
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lookingforsanctuary

Experienced
May 14, 2023
202
I hope everything goes the way you want it to. I agree with starlightsun. You would always be welcome back here. There is no need to be ashamed.
 
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J

just_so_done

Experienced
Apr 16, 2023
258
I'm sorry for the pain you endured and hope you find the peace you're looking for. Also i think it's awesome you crocheted the dress you're going to wear, you're really doing this on your terms. Also if it doesn't work, know that this community will not judge and hope that you will return. 🤍
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
38,889
Failing ctb 12 times sounds so horrible so I hope that you find the freedom you search for as it really sounds like you've suffered so much, I wish you the best of luck. This world truly is such a horrible place.
 
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L

Letgo

Specialist
Apr 1, 2023
320
Wish you peace and rest. If you fail you can always come back. Will be thinking of you.
 
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P

Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
11,522
I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. I wish you a pleasent journey. May it be easy for you and may you find peace and freedom on the other side. Good Luck!

You do not have to be ashamed when it fails, probably then there was an important reason for it.
 
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heavyeyes

heavyeyes

Oct 9, 2022
1,728
I wish you a peaceful exit. As others mentioned I'm sorry life brought to this point. You didn't deserve it and it's not your fault. You will always be welcome in this community with open arms should things not work out. There is no need to be ashamed here <3
 
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soft-flower345

soft-flower345

🌸I'm ashamed of who I've become🌸
May 15, 2023
93
I hope you find the peace you couldn't in life❤️ This community won't shame you if you return, we're here to be supportive of each other and will support you no matter the choice you make. Btw, I like your profile picture!
 
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