birdofafeather
Just tired
- Feb 12, 2023
- 45
As the title says, the date has been set. I decided to go for a kind of 3/4 year anniversary for an important event in my life, so that the date has a semblance of significance without ruining someone's day of celebration. Though, to be fair, once I'm gone, so is that date. It also has the added benefit of being long enough since the leaks for people to not associate my death with the actions of my abuser. If nothing else is, at least my death will be my own.
It's just over a week away, and I feel nothing, really, which is by far an improvement from my normal constant head splitting avalanche of thoughts, perpetually spinning out of control. The quiet is nice.
The method I've decided to go with is shallow water blackout. After a lot of testing, I realise that I need to hyperventilate for about 2 minutes to get results (I was a singer and a swimmer, which probably explains why it takes so much), but it's reliable enough for me to be able to recreate it on different days and times. I have it down. The plan is to clean my room over the next week (the state of it is something I am incredibly ashamed of), finalise my note, and finish choosing / scouting between the two potential locations. One is in the river in the middle of my city, it's pretty isolated at night, and if I walk far enough away from the city centre, it should be a while before I am discovered. The issue is, it's pretty public, and it's a city with some nightlife, so there is a chance of me being stopped or rescued. The second option is about a 45 minutes bike ride away. I haven't scouted it yet due to my life being a bit too busy, but it seems private, but not too private. Should a search be put out for me (which is unlikely, it'll take about a week to a month for people to notice I've vanished), I'll be found quite quickly, and hopefully in enough of a state of decay for my body to not be abused. I also hope they'll find the note before they find me, so they actually respect me and my identity postmortem (it may be too much to ask, but one can dream).
In terms of clothes, I'll be wearing a dress I crocheted out of pretty thick wool, which has a lot of layers (I'll be having my Ophelia moment), so it should, if everything goes to plan, get waterlogged, and help keep my head submerged, and help me start to decompose faster. I also own some armband weight things, so I'll be using those as well to help out.
If I fail, I don't know if I'll be able to show my face here again out of shame. So either way, whether I catch the bus, or fail, this was my final monologue before my goodbye post. I appreciate you guys letting me rant for hours here, typing out the things I so desperately needed to say.
After so many failures (12) this is the time I'll be finally free.
It's just over a week away, and I feel nothing, really, which is by far an improvement from my normal constant head splitting avalanche of thoughts, perpetually spinning out of control. The quiet is nice.
The method I've decided to go with is shallow water blackout. After a lot of testing, I realise that I need to hyperventilate for about 2 minutes to get results (I was a singer and a swimmer, which probably explains why it takes so much), but it's reliable enough for me to be able to recreate it on different days and times. I have it down. The plan is to clean my room over the next week (the state of it is something I am incredibly ashamed of), finalise my note, and finish choosing / scouting between the two potential locations. One is in the river in the middle of my city, it's pretty isolated at night, and if I walk far enough away from the city centre, it should be a while before I am discovered. The issue is, it's pretty public, and it's a city with some nightlife, so there is a chance of me being stopped or rescued. The second option is about a 45 minutes bike ride away. I haven't scouted it yet due to my life being a bit too busy, but it seems private, but not too private. Should a search be put out for me (which is unlikely, it'll take about a week to a month for people to notice I've vanished), I'll be found quite quickly, and hopefully in enough of a state of decay for my body to not be abused. I also hope they'll find the note before they find me, so they actually respect me and my identity postmortem (it may be too much to ask, but one can dream).
In terms of clothes, I'll be wearing a dress I crocheted out of pretty thick wool, which has a lot of layers (I'll be having my Ophelia moment), so it should, if everything goes to plan, get waterlogged, and help keep my head submerged, and help me start to decompose faster. I also own some armband weight things, so I'll be using those as well to help out.
If I fail, I don't know if I'll be able to show my face here again out of shame. So either way, whether I catch the bus, or fail, this was my final monologue before my goodbye post. I appreciate you guys letting me rant for hours here, typing out the things I so desperately needed to say.
After so many failures (12) this is the time I'll be finally free.