The Comfort of Suicide

[hiddenbpd]

For the last 5 years or so, I have had a plan to suicide before my birthday. Obviously I never succeeded and honestly have never tried (pathetic after having 5 plans with dates, I know). But for some reason, it gave me comfort knowing I didn't have to get another year older; I have always hated my birthday and the reminder of another year I've barely scraped through. Why can't I kill myself already? I'm barely surviving.
After my birthday last year, I met someone who has taken away my ability to plan for this year. They continually tell me how sad and heartbroken they would be if I left, and I feel guilty for even considering the fact that I still want to leave. Now that my birthday is only a week away I'm feeling lost and don't know how to make it through. I've always told myself if all else fails I could act on the plan, but now how do I comfort myself with that option taken away . I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[CoffeeN]

okay see , you know what give your life a best shot but keep a pack of sn /gun or anything u wanna ctb with. When the end will be near , your si wont stop you and u will do the act . there are people in here who want peace, and the backup ctb method is the PEACE. u will recover but dont be pressurized to kill urself, ... anxiety . die peacefully and live fulfilled. you should be 100 percent confident about ur exit otherwise... here we are.

 

[Kit1]

okay see , you know what give your life a best shot but keep a pack of sn /gun or anything u wanna ctb with. When the end will be near , your si wont stop you and u will do the act . there are people in here who want peace, and the backup ctb method is the PEACE. u will recover but dont be pressurized to kill urself, ... anxiety . die peacefully and live fulfilled. you should be 100 percent confident about ur exit otherwise... here we are.

Well said, CoffeeN.
Dear hiddenbdp,

Your life is yours and you decided when you want to go. Clearly birthdays are distressing for you and actually might not be the best time to make life changing decisions when you are totally triggered anyway.

It sounds like you have something positive to live for or look forward to and maybe you can try and experience thatvpsoitive feeling, time in your life.

You know that you have the power to end your life when you wish to do so and that is hopefully enough to just know - your 'get out' clause if it is needed.

I hope that life leads you to a better, happier place and perhaps gives you an opportunity to look at why you dread your birthday so much, deal with the pain and move on. Perhaps you might be happy. Sounds like something worth exploring.

Good Luck with whatever you decide.

Best wishes
Dear hiddenbdp,

Your life is yours and you decided when you want to go. Clearly birthdays are distressing for you and actually might not be the best time to make life changing decisions when you are totally triggered anyway.

It sounds like you have something positive to live for or look forward to and maybe you can try and experience thatvpsoitive feeling, time in your life.

You know that you have the power to end your life when you wish to do so and that is hopefully enough to just know - your 'get out' clause if it is needed.

I hope that life leads you to a better, happier place and perhaps gives you an opportunity to look at why you dread your birthday so much, deal with the pain and move on. Perhaps you might be happy. Sounds like something worth exploring.

Good Luck with whatever you decide.

Best wishes