The Catch 22 of Friendship

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I've unintentionally ghosted all but my most persistent of friends. I've been too burned out and depressed the past couple years to reply to calls or texts, and most have stopped trying by now. My therapist really wants me to be more social and make new friends, but I feel like the same thing would happen to them if I try, and I feel like it would be messed up of me to build a friendship with someone just because my therapist wants me to, all the while knowing I'm more than likely going to end up ghosting them too.

But what really worries me about making new friends, especially ones with a real connection, is if I don't manage to recover from my SI and I go and die on them. If I never become friends with anyone new, they'll be none the wiser if that happens, but if I do become their friends, then they're going to have to live with the trauma of one of their friends killing herself. On the other hand, if I continue to self-isolate like this, I'm only going to be making it harder for myself to recover.

I know that the "right" answer is to go ahead and make friends anyway, and give myself the best shot at life, but I can't shake the feeling that it's only considered the "right" answer when people treat the decision to live as a foregone conclusion. As if the only rational way to respond to a world with so much hate and unavoidable suffering is to cling to life anyway, and if you want to opt out of an amoral Darwinian world, you must be out of your mind. It makes me wonder if it even is the "right" answer after all, or if it's just the projection of others' survival instincts I no longer share.

I'm rambling now, but I guess the point is I really don't know where to go from here while keeping the collateral damage of my existence (or potentially the lack thereof) as low as I can.

 

[tipoftheRGB]

I've been there before. Depression, burn out and mental health issues do cause a person to withdraw from people. But honestly I don't think you should self sabotage yourself like this. You are in a really bad place and when we are in a bad place, sometimes we have to be a little bit selfish. Tbh when you get back in touch with someone you've ghosted and explain what you have been going through, they typically won't hold it against you. In my experience, they typically move on and then its harder to get back in with them again. So I would definitely encourage you to put yourself first and do what you can to reach out to people. Live for yourself first because it is life or death for you so you need to do what you can to stay alive. People are resilient and they will survive if you disappear so live for yourself.

Tbh awful things happen to people all the time and people die on each other all the time. Whether you did ctb in the future or you died in a car crash, that is the way life is. So yes I do think you should reach out to people and make friends with them. Also don't live in the future because you have no idea what will happen in the future. Just live in the present. And right now present you would benefit from having friends in their life so reach out to people and make those friends.

Your therapist has said it and I am saying it too - the right choice is for you to reach out to people and make friends. Don't isolate.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

this is very much how i feel too. i reply to calls and texts, and i text first but i dont call first even though i know i should. i feel bad that im not being as good as a friend as could be. i just try to be there for my friend as much as i can and hope he will be understanding because i know he struggles too. and with time maybe i can start to reach out to him more. if your friends know you struggle with depression then i hope maybe they can understand that reaching out and replying is hard for you right now.