The body is rejecting suicide - the me is in chronic pain

[NiicheKey]

—"If you're having problem with survival instinct, then keep on trying; you will eventually be desensitised to it and if not, wait for impulse"

I've been trying to die for so many years so many times, that recently my body doesn't allow me to kill myself, when I need to do it the most, as this year proved me that I can reach even deeper pits of despair. I've been trying to FSH today for the 7th time this year; I've done practicing coming off the stool, I've tested the pain, I have the plan mastered because of trail and error, I know what and how.
But when I have to do it, when I have setup ready, body freezes, it doesn't listen to me. The same is for other methods, it doesn't allow me to go through the plan properly. I guess the body knows too much how suicide works and when the pain is lethal, so the survival DNA got more sensitive/defensive, in contrary to mind, to ME, that "lives in/by" suicide and doesn't see it as fearsome at all.

I can't exist - I'm having hard time doing anything, my head is full of intrusive throughs and self-bullying - I experience too much mental pain.
I can't die - body rejects suicide - I experience too much physical pain.
I can't survive - I'm crying/on the verge of crying all the time, even when actually doing things - I'm in constant pain.
My future, bonds, family - everything collapses, fades - I can't escape pain.
I'm in chronic pain and I can't be euthanized. I'm forced to care about next day, because I'm not in vegetative state, where I'm mentally dead and just want to fall into eternal peace. No one knows what to do anymore, me too - it feels like everyone is on the edge with me everyday, we all waiting when I'll get lucky to finally succeed in dying.

Another perfect day to die wasted because of not having control. I still hope to die today, maybe I'll prepare everything after this, but knowing life, even if I do, something magical will happen that will prolong my existence.

 

[NiicheKey]

The situation is getting annoying and the pain doesn't go away. After long time of forced living, I was going to attempt, but my body couldn't even do that properly. It was either sitting frozen, crying, or binging on food - yes, rejection still happening. I thought through every "subconscious reason to stay", because maybe this holds me back, but it only made me resent future more and cry even harder. Ultimately, I've only almost fell on the floor during induced syncope, pulling rope with hand.

Then I've come to realisation. I've accepted every single standard doubt one can have regarding final decision, no hope even in realistic happy scenarios, acknowledging I want eternal rest... so what does it mean? I think, in my case, is the doubt in self. Low self-esteem always impacted my life in personality sphere, but now it has reached suicidality. "I'm not capable of achieving death by suicide, because I'm not good enough, I'm weak and lazy, I can't achieve my dream bleh bleh bleh" A silent thought that my body claimed, and now it occurs in not being physically able to go through suicide plan.

I guess the body knows too much how suicide works and when the pain is lethal, so the survival DNA got more sensitive/defensive, in contrary to mind, to ME, that "lives in/by" suicide and doesn't see it as fearsome at all.

But this is still relevant!
Which means the problem is not only between physical body and me - it links to constant mental conflict regarding "self".

I don't know why I'm writing this. The fork found in the kitchen, especially when I've already wrote about most of this stuff somewhere. I guess I am giving hint to those, who are in similar situation. I am also proving that there is ALWAYS a real reason behind wanting to die, not "just because" (as I thought as a teen).
But I will achieve my dream someday.