NiicheKey
Living dead
- Mar 23, 2026
- 29
—"If you're having problem with survival instinct, then keep on trying; you will eventually be desensitised to it and if not, wait for impulse"
I've been trying to die for so many years so many times, that recently my body doesn't allow me to kill myself, when I need to do it the most, as this year proved me that I can reach even deeper pits of despair. I've been trying to FSH today for the 7th time this year; I've done practicing coming off the stool, I've tested the pain, I have the plan mastered because of trail and error, I know what and how.
But when I have to do it, when I have setup ready, body freezes, it doesn't listen to me. The same is for other methods, it doesn't allow me to go through the plan properly. I guess the body knows too much how suicide works and when the pain is lethal, so the survival DNA got more sensitive/defensive, in contrary to mind, to ME, that "lives in/by" suicide and doesn't see it as fearsome at all.
I can't exist - I'm having hard time doing anything, my head is full of intrusive throughs and self-bullying - I experience too much mental pain.
I can't die - body rejects suicide - I experience too much physical pain.
I can't survive - I'm crying/on the verge of crying all the time, even when actually doing things - I'm in constant pain.
My future, bonds, family - everything collapses, fades - I can't escape pain.
I'm in chronic pain and I can't be euthanized. I'm forced to care about next day, because I'm not in vegetative state, where I'm mentally dead and just want to fall into eternal peace. No one knows what to do anymore, me too - it feels like everyone is on the edge with me everyday, we all waiting when I'll get lucky to finally succeed in dying.
Another perfect day to die wasted because of not having control. I still hope to die today, maybe I'll prepare everything after this, but knowing life, even if I do, something magical will happen that will prolong my existence.
I've been trying to die for so many years so many times, that recently my body doesn't allow me to kill myself, when I need to do it the most, as this year proved me that I can reach even deeper pits of despair. I've been trying to FSH today for the 7th time this year; I've done practicing coming off the stool, I've tested the pain, I have the plan mastered because of trail and error, I know what and how.
But when I have to do it, when I have setup ready, body freezes, it doesn't listen to me. The same is for other methods, it doesn't allow me to go through the plan properly. I guess the body knows too much how suicide works and when the pain is lethal, so the survival DNA got more sensitive/defensive, in contrary to mind, to ME, that "lives in/by" suicide and doesn't see it as fearsome at all.
I can't exist - I'm having hard time doing anything, my head is full of intrusive throughs and self-bullying - I experience too much mental pain.
I can't die - body rejects suicide - I experience too much physical pain.
I can't survive - I'm crying/on the verge of crying all the time, even when actually doing things - I'm in constant pain.
My future, bonds, family - everything collapses, fades - I can't escape pain.
I'm in chronic pain and I can't be euthanized. I'm forced to care about next day, because I'm not in vegetative state, where I'm mentally dead and just want to fall into eternal peace. No one knows what to do anymore, me too - it feels like everyone is on the edge with me everyday, we all waiting when I'll get lucky to finally succeed in dying.
Another perfect day to die wasted because of not having control. I still hope to die today, maybe I'll prepare everything after this, but knowing life, even if I do, something magical will happen that will prolong my existence.
