Disclaimer: I'm not planning on CTB, but I am seriously unhappy and desolate.
I've been commenting here for a while now, and overall, I try and make others see that life has a different perspective. The end is not necessarily the right choice now. I stand by that. I will never try and stop someone who has made their mind, but should they open up to chat, I'll be more than glad to.
With that said, some things happened and now I'm falling back into sadness.
I live in a country where money disparity is ridiculously high. And the poor are very poor. And I attend the poor.
Whoever sees my comments know I work in urgent care/ER. And I love it above all. It's my place. I can help people who've never been seen. I can give guidance and hope to those who gave up on it. But that means my consults sometimes last longer. And I like for most of my patients to return after they do their medication and exams so I can reavaluate their progress. The thing is: the place I work has a time limit per patient. Maximum 15 mins. I thought this was more than enough, because the other placed I worked, before here, I usually took 3-5 minutes per patient. They were mostly all low complexity, so quite easy to treat. Now they are not. Harder cases (which I love) demand more time and attention. And I give them all my attention. And I try to do a more complete consult, because I know the public clinic they're going by referral takes one month to even have the chance to schedule a consult and then they get a referral to a specialist, which takes 1-2 more months to appoint. Then they ask for exams, which take 2-3 more months. And nothing guarantees the doctor will even give a shit and order the correct exams and do the precise treatment. Poor people are seen as lesser by many of the "upper" classes. By the end, if they had something serious, they're already dead. So I try and do a complete interview and look for certain problems. And I explain everything that's happening to them in their body, so if anything goes out of the ordinary, they'll know and come back. It avoids unnecessary diseases and comebacks to the ER. And it's awesome.
But yesterday I had a midweek night shift (I usually do weekends). And it was chaos. My colleagues were either attending low complexity cases only or they were taking denser cases and just saying fuck it. No physical tests. Just some stupid x-ray or light bloodwork. So I had to take care of their patients as well as all myocardial infarction and sepsis ones. It was completely full. I didn't stop all night. And even then, I didn't deliver a next shift as good as I should.
So the head of my department, after many conversations told me I couldn't be in the hospital anymore except Saturday night. I felt like shit. She told me I couldn't keep up and was backlogging the workflow. It's true. But I just refuse to look a cancer patient in the eye and give him Tylenol and ibuprofen and send him home without even a blood work done.
Have you any idea what's like for more than one patient to look at you and start crying because they've never been seen/treated like that by a doctor? Just because I did the minimum. I've never had a patient go out of my office mad.
I refuse to attend a suicidal patient and just pump him full of drugs and leave him comatose in the observation room until he can head to psychiatrics whenever. They need listening and care.
But the doctors that get praised are the ones that do their consults in 6-7 mins, give the patient whatever and fuck them. No exams, no regards. Nothing. There was one that even lied once saying that a patient with a blockade in the intestines refused do go to surgery, and she came back the night after even worse, begging for someone to do something
I'm not saying I'm a saint. I'm very partial. Some criminals make me pissed and I don't want to treat them properly (when they've harmed an innocent). Some mental illnesses are really hard to treat, so I get frustrated and speak rudely. Some elderly are absurdly anxious and don't let me speak, so I get mad. I'm not proud of that. But it happens. The workload is big, it's very tiring. But I'm doing my best to bring quality medicine to those who never had anything. But it's not what the system wants. And I can't keep up. And I don't want to give up on my principles and give up on understanding what's happening in the patients body that makes them feel the way they feel.
But to hear this first hand, from a manager that is loved by all doctors makes me feel like shit. And now I think every doctor hates me because I leave the ER full of unseen patients for them. Or leave some incomplete evolutions. And I feel more like shit.
I have a problem that I always felt like the second one. I'm a second child in a very patriarchal family (father). So my older brother had everything and I had what's was left most of the time. My brother stole my friends whenever they came home because everything had to be for him. He could play all my games and he never allowed me to play his. In school I never had a big group of friends and all I did was because my best friend dragged me around to places. So I made my life to never count on others. To go by alone.
Now I have a girlfriend and some friends I love to death, but the trauma stays. And I thought I'd make more friends in this hospital because they go out, have parties and such. And now I feel hated and alone. And my gf is very far away studying and improving in my career. And I'm here, laying in bed all day, lights out, venting. I haven't studied all year and there's a lot of pressure for me to enter a good residency. I feel stuck. And when I felt I found a place I could do what I liked and learned, this comes and takes me by the ass.
Anyway. I'm just venting. I'm frustrated. I'm sad.
I love my job, I was born to do this. But I fucking hate the system. I hate that they prioritise just treating patients like shit and giving them whatever instead of actually looking and trying to help. I hate this pseudo hyerarchy based on income.
I don't know if I should have posted this on "off topic" and I'm sorry if I did it wrong.
I've talked to a psychiatrist friend of mine, my mom and my gf and they all told me the same thing. It's honourable that I do this, but this is not the place. I have to know where I work, and I work in a place of quick resolutions to instant ailments. If something is not threatening in the next 24h it's not my job to care about it. And it's true. But I just can't.
I don't know. This was my vent. I'm going to press on. I'm going to become someone no one can talk down to and do things my way. And bring actual attention to those who need.
Maybe this is childish, maybe this is naïve. But I can't accept the ammount if injustice here.
Thank you for your time, thank you your patience.
The comment section is yours should you want to vent about shitty doctors, shitty managers or just post some good songs to cheer/gloom everybody. Whatever your heart desires.
I've been commenting here for a while now, and overall, I try and make others see that life has a different perspective. The end is not necessarily the right choice now. I stand by that. I will never try and stop someone who has made their mind, but should they open up to chat, I'll be more than glad to.
With that said, some things happened and now I'm falling back into sadness.
I live in a country where money disparity is ridiculously high. And the poor are very poor. And I attend the poor.
Whoever sees my comments know I work in urgent care/ER. And I love it above all. It's my place. I can help people who've never been seen. I can give guidance and hope to those who gave up on it. But that means my consults sometimes last longer. And I like for most of my patients to return after they do their medication and exams so I can reavaluate their progress. The thing is: the place I work has a time limit per patient. Maximum 15 mins. I thought this was more than enough, because the other placed I worked, before here, I usually took 3-5 minutes per patient. They were mostly all low complexity, so quite easy to treat. Now they are not. Harder cases (which I love) demand more time and attention. And I give them all my attention. And I try to do a more complete consult, because I know the public clinic they're going by referral takes one month to even have the chance to schedule a consult and then they get a referral to a specialist, which takes 1-2 more months to appoint. Then they ask for exams, which take 2-3 more months. And nothing guarantees the doctor will even give a shit and order the correct exams and do the precise treatment. Poor people are seen as lesser by many of the "upper" classes. By the end, if they had something serious, they're already dead. So I try and do a complete interview and look for certain problems. And I explain everything that's happening to them in their body, so if anything goes out of the ordinary, they'll know and come back. It avoids unnecessary diseases and comebacks to the ER. And it's awesome.
But yesterday I had a midweek night shift (I usually do weekends). And it was chaos. My colleagues were either attending low complexity cases only or they were taking denser cases and just saying fuck it. No physical tests. Just some stupid x-ray or light bloodwork. So I had to take care of their patients as well as all myocardial infarction and sepsis ones. It was completely full. I didn't stop all night. And even then, I didn't deliver a next shift as good as I should.
So the head of my department, after many conversations told me I couldn't be in the hospital anymore except Saturday night. I felt like shit. She told me I couldn't keep up and was backlogging the workflow. It's true. But I just refuse to look a cancer patient in the eye and give him Tylenol and ibuprofen and send him home without even a blood work done.
Have you any idea what's like for more than one patient to look at you and start crying because they've never been seen/treated like that by a doctor? Just because I did the minimum. I've never had a patient go out of my office mad.
I refuse to attend a suicidal patient and just pump him full of drugs and leave him comatose in the observation room until he can head to psychiatrics whenever. They need listening and care.
But the doctors that get praised are the ones that do their consults in 6-7 mins, give the patient whatever and fuck them. No exams, no regards. Nothing. There was one that even lied once saying that a patient with a blockade in the intestines refused do go to surgery, and she came back the night after even worse, begging for someone to do something
I'm not saying I'm a saint. I'm very partial. Some criminals make me pissed and I don't want to treat them properly (when they've harmed an innocent). Some mental illnesses are really hard to treat, so I get frustrated and speak rudely. Some elderly are absurdly anxious and don't let me speak, so I get mad. I'm not proud of that. But it happens. The workload is big, it's very tiring. But I'm doing my best to bring quality medicine to those who never had anything. But it's not what the system wants. And I can't keep up. And I don't want to give up on my principles and give up on understanding what's happening in the patients body that makes them feel the way they feel.
But to hear this first hand, from a manager that is loved by all doctors makes me feel like shit. And now I think every doctor hates me because I leave the ER full of unseen patients for them. Or leave some incomplete evolutions. And I feel more like shit.
I have a problem that I always felt like the second one. I'm a second child in a very patriarchal family (father). So my older brother had everything and I had what's was left most of the time. My brother stole my friends whenever they came home because everything had to be for him. He could play all my games and he never allowed me to play his. In school I never had a big group of friends and all I did was because my best friend dragged me around to places. So I made my life to never count on others. To go by alone.
Now I have a girlfriend and some friends I love to death, but the trauma stays. And I thought I'd make more friends in this hospital because they go out, have parties and such. And now I feel hated and alone. And my gf is very far away studying and improving in my career. And I'm here, laying in bed all day, lights out, venting. I haven't studied all year and there's a lot of pressure for me to enter a good residency. I feel stuck. And when I felt I found a place I could do what I liked and learned, this comes and takes me by the ass.
Anyway. I'm just venting. I'm frustrated. I'm sad.
I love my job, I was born to do this. But I fucking hate the system. I hate that they prioritise just treating patients like shit and giving them whatever instead of actually looking and trying to help. I hate this pseudo hyerarchy based on income.
I don't know if I should have posted this on "off topic" and I'm sorry if I did it wrong.
I've talked to a psychiatrist friend of mine, my mom and my gf and they all told me the same thing. It's honourable that I do this, but this is not the place. I have to know where I work, and I work in a place of quick resolutions to instant ailments. If something is not threatening in the next 24h it's not my job to care about it. And it's true. But I just can't.
I don't know. This was my vent. I'm going to press on. I'm going to become someone no one can talk down to and do things my way. And bring actual attention to those who need.
Maybe this is childish, maybe this is naïve. But I can't accept the ammount if injustice here.
Thank you for your time, thank you your patience.
The comment section is yours should you want to vent about shitty doctors, shitty managers or just post some good songs to cheer/gloom everybody. Whatever your heart desires.
