Story The Annoying Liability

[CarambaAlbum]

Hello,

Apologies if this is all rambling, I'm kinda just vomiting this out. I won't blame you at all for not reading it. I'm sorry for any typos either.

I am a male in his early 20s living in a European city. I've lived in a ghetto for most of my life with my Mom before moving to a suburb for a year with my Dad and his cunt wife until a year later when I left and became homeless. I slept rough for two weeks before being approached by a homeless charity and given a place in a hostel. I had to move to three separate rooms due to some of the nasty people that I had to live with that could possibly be a danger to me. I'm currently sharing a room with someone with an undiagnosed severe mental condition and an ex-convict who hurt a lot of people but has repented to Christ and it's likely the best room I'll have from now until I go through with this.

I'm tall (6' 5") and morbidly obese, I've neglected my health since I was a kid having cared more about playing video games than kicking a ball around. It really got bad once I went into secondary school as I had access to cheap, processed foods such as biscuits (cookies for Americans), crisps, sodas and other cheap shit. I never exercised, I rarely brushed my teeth, I wasn't showering everyday and once I turned 18 I started to drink spirits as well. This has continued up until now and the consequences of these actions have become severe. My teeth are rotting out of my mouth with constant gnawing tooth pain, excessive sweating, heavy breathing just from brisk walking, sores and boils, cysts, dead patches of skin and I'm starting to experience the early stages of joint pain. To make it clear: this is all my fault. I don't believe that from secondary school onward that I was not solely responsible for my horrific weight problems. I put the food in my mouth, I drank the soda and the liquor and the constant physical pain I'm in is completely on me as is whatever societal reaction people have to seeing my unsightly body. It's one of the reasons why I think I would be better off gone.

My mental health has been on a steady decline for a large portion of my life. I have ASD (Asperger's Syndrome) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I've been a really nasty person as a teenager, up until I was 20 I would be really not nice to my Mom and I deeply regret how I treated her and she's a lot happier on her own with her cat. I feel like everyone is a lot happier when they don't have to see me, I feel like a poison that needs to be locked away forever or to be eradicated completely. I've cut a lot since I moved to that suburb but stopped a few months into the hostel. The autism makes it hard to understand a lot of what people say and it makes it hard to read the room as well. Saying something dumb or cringey or even just not understanding what is a joke or not. I often have to put on this "mask" of me acting like a normal person and being this fucking robot that laughs half a second after someone else laughs even though I don't know what's funny. I feel like a total loser and the sooner I'm gone the better,

I read up that people with BPD often have a FP (Favorite Person) and I certainly have that. A very special online friend has been in my life for over three years now and we've collaborated on many artistic projects together. We are extremely close, sending parcels and postcards to eachother and having plans to meet up. We are not romantically linked as he is already married. His mental health is a lot more intense than mine and he often fantasies about kidnapping me and torturing me among other more depraved acts I don't think I should mention here. All of this I happily welcome, if I could make him happy then I wouldn't have any need to kill myself. That is up until a few weeks ago when he left the Internet and hasn't messaged since. I've bee abandoned. I'm lost. I'll never find anyone like him again and this is the main reason why I'm doing this now.

I've only seriously attempted suicide once, it was the exit bag method. Unfortunately the plan failed when the gas canister I acquired wouldn't work with the set up I had and as such I spent around €100 for nothing and was told to live with my Dad. I'm seriously considering suicide again and I've found a method that seems to be something I can reasonably do - partially suspended hanging. The main concern is to find a rope that can handle my body weight but to also be thin enough to wrap around my neck and successfully close up my carotid artery. It's very easy to smuggle in anything into the hostel so that won't be a problem. They check rooms every hour or two which should give me more than enough time to be successful with this plan. I plan to cover up my body with my blanket so whoever walks in doesn't see the aftermath.

What stings is how much of a fuck up I am, how much I've wasted the gifts I've been given. I was very much artistically inclined growing up and wanting to take that path seriously. Music followed and I started releasing music I made for six years under an alias. This week I took everything I could down, the only videos that exist are from a dead Facebook page the owners swear they cant access and a Youtube video from a youth centre I worked at. I still wince at it all, I'm just such a loser and make genuinely bad music and my artwork is even more shit. I could've done something with the baseline talent I had but I wasted it on drawing some of the most shit artwork and writing the most ear bleeding music ever made. But hopefully before I go I can erase all of that.

The title I used for this thread is "The Annoying Liability" because that was probably the most hurtful thing someone has ever said about me. It certainly isn't the most hateful or graphic thing ever said about me but it cuts the deepest and hits a deep nerve with me. I need to stop writing, my teeth are roaring at me and the ibuprofen isn't working anymore. If you've read all of this, thank you so much for reading. I'm not sure what kind of "point" I'm trying to make if any, just kind of puking all of this up.

I'll send a song I've been listening to a lot lately as to not make it a total fucking downer (as per usual I'm a fucking miserable prick to be around). It's a song that brings back a lot of memories for me. I hope you'll enjoy it too.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I know you likely don't want pity but your story made me sad none the less. I don't think you deserved all that happened to you but I admire you for taking on all that responsibility. Still- yeah- I think we cope as best we can in life. We don't always make the greatest decisions. It's kind of unfortunate that we've been wired to get so easily addicted to things like junk food. I can sympathise there. I used to binge eat a lot. I'm still not great with food and I'm understandably overweight as a result.

I'm so sorry what happened with your friend. I pretty much lost my best friend too and at the time- it really hurt.

There's not much I can say really. Just wanted to say your story moved me. I think you should be more forgiving to yourself but I do understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry life has turned out this way for you.

Oh and to call anyone an 'annoying liability' is disgusting and non sensical. Ultimately- none of us chose to be born. We can't be a liability if we didn't choose to be in the situation in the first place.

 

[CarambaAlbum]

I know you likely don't want pity but your story made me sad none the less. I don't think you deserved all that happened to you but I admire you for taking on all that responsibility. Still- yeah- I think we cope as best we can in life. We don't always make the greatest decisions. It's kind of unfortunate that we've been wired to get so easily addicted to things like junk food. I can sympathise there. I used to binge eat a lot. I'm still not great with food and I'm understandably overweight as a result.

I'm so sorry what happened with your friend. I pretty much lost my best friend too and at the time- it really hurt.

There's not much I can say really. Just wanted to say your story moved me. I think you should be more forgiving to yourself but I do understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry life has turned out this way for you.

Oh and to call anyone an 'annoying liability' is disgusting and non sensical. Ultimately- none of us chose to be born. We can't be a liability if we didn't choose to be in the situation in the first place.

Hey, thank you for your reply.

I don't have any expectations for the reactions I get here, whether it's tough love, sympathy or empathy, whatever the case may be. I'm just grateful someone would take the time out of their day to message back.

I try to avoid thinking that I have a sad story as I've been thought to never think that I have it bad since someone will always have it so much worse. This is meant to illicit some level of gratitude of how your life turns out but I guess for me it gave me this certain feeling of apathy with my life. I can snuff it out and what will happen? My family will obviously be sad but not nearly as sad as when my Grandma died. I'm not a starving child in a war torn Hellhole so why should anyone be sad for me. Hell, they should celebrate when I'm dead like how certain trauma victims celebrate the death of their aggressor.

I'm getting into that feedback loop again, sorry. I'm trying to catch myself from getting too deep into the fantasies of the aftermath of a suicide. It's all just kind if shit, life is kind of shit and aimless.

Again, thank you for the kind words.

 

[CarambaAlbum]

I don't want to make a new thread everytime I want to write something down so I'll try to use this thread to contain any thoughts I have. If that's an issue then feel free to lock the thread,

The tooth pain is still really bad, the only escape from the pain seems to be sleeping. The painkillers I use no longer work so I fear I'll need to get surgery to finally stop the pain. I don't think the pain will help me with my plans at all as the pain is currently keeping me in bed and I haven't left since this morning, its now 6pm.

I wish I could just get it removed but I know that will be so long away that I don't even want to bother. It's painful to eat, I have these rice cakes to consume but the pain is just so insistent that it makes me lose my appetite.

Here's another song. I think Kveikur is their best album which is a shame since they never went back to that sound.

 

[Elysion]

I understand you . This world is not made for anyone and no one is supposed to be compatible with it. Only people are lucky and get a position or they are too stupid not to get hurt. You are knowledgeable and aware of your situation even if it is bad. It is very rare that someone can live successfully in today's world. Because being successful in this black and superficial world requires basic conditions, money, etc. You can use chain and hook instead of rope. Thank you for writing this text, it will both help you and remind us to be honest and clean with each other.

 

[Aisley]

I, too, have a mouth full of rot, and every tooth ache is different, but antihystamines often work. Mostly, in the pit of tooth pain, I chain smoke. There are topical painkilling properties to tobacco. Or something like that. Sometimes maybe I'm just like a dog chewing at a wound out of stupidity and uselessness, idk. The smoking doesn't kill the pain, but it numbs it a little.
And I, too, was given the Starving Babies in Africa to all my problems, until I learned to keep my mouth shut and understand the absolute meaninglessness of my own existence. Sorry it all went down like it did for you.

 

[CarambaAlbum]

I understand you . This world is not made for anyone and no one is supposed to be compatible with it. Only people are lucky and get a position or they are too stupid not to get hurt. You are knowledgeable and aware of your situation even if it is bad. It is very rare that someone can live successfully in today's world. Because being successful in this black and superficial world requires basic conditions, money, etc. You can use chain and hook instead of rope. Thank you for writing this text, it will both help you and remind us to be honest and clean with each other.

Thank you for your reply, I agree wholeheartedly that the disadvantages given to me have hampered my ability to do many things to ulimiately succeed in life but I still try to acknowledge my fuck ups and accept them. What kind of rope and hook do you think would work? I'm looking for something I can reasonably hide in a normal backpack.

I, too, have a mouth full of rot, and every tooth ache is different, but antihystamines often work. Mostly, in the pit of tooth pain, I chain smoke. There are topical painkilling properties to tobacco. Or something like that. Sometimes maybe I'm just like a dog chewing at a wound out of stupidity and uselessness, idk. The smoking doesn't kill the pain, but it numbs it a little.
And I, too, was given the Starving Babies in Africa to all my problems, until I learned to keep my mouth shut and understand the absolute meaninglessness of my own existence. Sorry it all went down like it did for you.

I saw you recommend antihystamines in another thread and I'll check them out once I scrownge up enough money. Right now I'm pretty broke having spent all my money on Ibuprofen only for them to stop working for me. Maybe I need mouthwash as well since brushing my teeth is so painful and make my mouth bleed.

 

[Aisley]

I know nothing about hostels, but if it has a kitchen, it might have cloves? Make a concentrated tea with it (like a tsp to a quarter cup of boiling water) and just hold that in your mouth once it's cooled a little. Also, paracetamol or acetaminophen can be used with ibuprophen, so long as there's an hour between doses. I only brush now when completely maddened by the pain, like stabbing at it. I hope you get out of this pit. Crying, talking, thinking, everything just make it worse. It really is maddening, and sleep is a challenge, to say the least. The trick there is to get yourself to the point of exhaustion, then keep your head higher than your body, like sleeping sitting up, if possible. Good luck.

 

[CarambaAlbum]

I know nothing about hostels, but if it has a kitchen, it might have cloves? Make a concentrated tea with it (like a tsp to a quarter cup of boiling water) and just hold that in your mouth once it's cooled a little. Also, paracetamol or acetaminophen can be used with ibuprophen, so long as there's an hour between doses. I only brush now when completely maddened by the pain, like stabbing at it. I hope you get out of this pit. Crying, talking, thinking, everything just make it worse. It really is maddening, and sleep is a challenge, to say the least. The trick there is to get yourself to the point of exhaustion, then keep your head higher than your body, like sleeping sitting up, if possible. Good luck.

The hostel I'm in has cheap food made in bulk so outside of tea, coffee and other things like sugar and salt there is no food actually prepared here. It's definitely just served from deliveries. Which I'm more than ok with, beggars can't be choosers. I'll definitely look into clove oil and paracetamol once I get paid. I'm just not looking forward to sleeping for the next few days, I'm not feeling good at all right now.

 

[yellowroses]

I'm sorry friend, I have a lot of the same issues that you mentioned here, I know how much it hurts and how heavy it feels. I also know there's nothing I can say that can make it better. You're not alone, and if you choose to I really believe you can get better. Whether it's worth the effort at this point though, that's up to you. Whatever you choose to do, I really hope you find peace, the circumstances this world dishes out to people can be endlessly cruel. Best wishes