That’s it… the final straw arrived + give your opinion please?

[lnlybnny]

As I mentioned before here I'm 29 neet and never had a job. I'll be 30 in less than a few months and I've amounted to nothing in life. Today one of the people who supported me (kind of, he didn't do that much but still) said he is withdrawing any financial support. That means it's all or nothing now and I need to ctb soon. I need to gather all the courage within me to buy my sn kit. I can't take this anymore. I'm scared AF of it because my stomach is kinda sensitive and I'm very emotional and anxious. I'm scared not to pull through everything (from buying the kit and ofc ctb'ing).

That person is my father. I resent him a lot. Do you think he's being fair? He left when I was 8 to live in another state and I don't want to play the victim, I think it was best for him to live in another state, he was kind of bully to me when he lived near (it still pains when I remember) and he has his reasons and he shouldn't support a 29 anymore. I know it's not his obligation. It still feels harsh and weird and I feel so much anger towards him. I feel he didn't take care of me when I needed it. He never asked what was my dreams instead he wanted me to pursue what he thought was best. In the end I did nothing and my aspirations died with me over ten years ago. Now I'm just a body. A hollow package fantasizing of ctb'ing since over 10 years. He said he'll build a new life, marry someone and everything now and doesn't have obligations with me. Good for him. He left a family 20 years ago (in the meantime had other children) and now he'll constitute a new one as if nothing happened in the past and now he just discards me as if I'm nothing... well in my depths I know I never was anything to him. I was just someone he felt obligated to help out of guilt and shame so he could look into the mirror and say ''whoa i'm such a good father!!!'' I was never a priority to him that's for sure. Any normal loving father would do anything in the world if he saw something was wrong with his child (at any age) to try and help psychologically. Years and years ago when I tried to ask for help because I already had sympthoms something was off nobody ever took it seriously. Because it's clear something was/is wrong. No normal person is neeting at 29 without a reason. At the same time I know he did the best he could in what he think was best though, I admit. Mostly just financially.

Still I somehow feel free today. I feel free even if I'm at rock bottom. Someone said ''when you hit ground zero you can only go up''. Maybe my up is the ultimate freedom of getting out of this world. I feel I have nothing to lose and I don't have this person I need to be all tiddy and polite with in order to deserve a bit of financial help. I wish I never had to talk to him again. I don't feel like myself when we talk, I always feel pressure when he's around. Like I'm not worthy, like I'm not a person, like I'm just an alien and a freak. I feel I have to put on a certain face/personality to be at least likeable (as I do with mostly everyone). I felt that even as a child. But now it's worse because I'm a failed adult. I don't even want to have a conversation about any of this with him because it tears me apart. He didn't have his father's love so maybe he thinks I should be okay like he did. He was so young when I was born. He thrived in life and succeeded even without any support besides having had his rough share in life. I think he expects me to be the same but I just can't.

However I don't want it to seem like I did it because of that shit. It's too embarrassing. It's part of my reasons but now all of it. At the same time why should I care if I'll be gone?

I have no place in this world. I have no dreams, I don't fit in, I hate interacting with people and I hate their small talks, their dramas, the way they think, the way they're okay with everything in this system we live. So I isolate all the time. Been doing so for over 10 years. There's still my parasocial loved ones which are the reason I'm still here. I'm only capable to truly love my favorite artists. They're my ray of light, my breath of fresh air out of all of this every day. On the verge of death I think SI might kick in hard because of them almost solely. Also I feel terrible about leaving my mum alone (I'm her only child and I love her) even though I'm just a burden to her as well. Maybe she'll be fine.

Is this a fair reason to ctb? I know it's subjective but still. Should I try having a job? I don't want to wageslave and I don't have any experience or skills so I don't have almost any options. I don't want to work to just survive though. And I absolutely hate interacting with people and being around them. I hate it so much.

Is it worth waiting more or should I just go?

Should I just prepare myself psychologically and emotionally within my limitations and buy my kit?

What do you think?

 

[NoThoughtTooMany]

I don't know your situation completely - or the psychological issues you hint to struggle with, or the specific dynamics of your relationship with your father, because we only see your side. It's hard for any of us on the internet to tell you what you should do exactly, and we shouldn't because this is your life after all. Your emotions are valid.

You said you have never had a job - have you applied for jobs? I'm not saying this because I think having a job in and of itself is going to make you happy, but you can't experience any joy without a little bit of sacrifice. Maybe you feel like getting a job would be pointless because you see life itself as pointless, but you seem to state that you're worried about being a wageslave for the rest of your life. But there are jobs that you could potentially enjoy, and might even pay well, even if you don't have a college degree or 100+ years of experience. It might take you another 5-6 years to get there, but waiting that time might be worth it because you are not going to care once you are dead anyways - that's my perspective. Part of the comfort in suicide is knowing that the option to leave is there, but for me, it can give me motivation to endure more because I won't remember this when I am gone (idk, maybe you believe in afterlife or something).

As I was reading this I relate a lot to what you are saying. I mean, I also have never fit in, I hate interacting with most people, I had parents that supported me financially but never emotionally, and I've thought about suicide because I was worried I would be a wageslave. I still struggle with these thoughts. I don't know what to dream of. I keep thinking about killing myself.... Sometimes I feel invisible... do you also feel that way? It's like trying to communicate to people but it feels like nobody is getting the msg. I've had doctors, family members, colleagues, etc. not take some of my symptoms seriously, and many people thought I was dramatic - it sucks because you start to wonder whether it is you who is over reacting, or if you actually are experiencing them. It's feels like a social gaslighting. I'm also transgender - so many people would dismiss me as being crazy automatically. Many fem people and women are seen as being "overly dramatic" because of our patriarchal society.

But there are people you can find who won't dismiss you or use you - but it takes time to find them. I am still having a hard time of finding "my people" - even among LGBT people I don't feel like I really belong. Part of me though doesn't want relationships, but that seems to be a defense mechanism I have built through trauma.

I think if you are unsure of what you personally want (not what other people want from you) you should try to explore that more - and try to find the things you do want. If you are asking us if you should buy sn or CTB or anything, how can we make that decision for you? Finding things to care about is easier said than done because I still am having a hard time finding a purpose in anything. Sorry you have so much weight on your shoulders. Best wishes.