a beautiful mess
Member
- Aug 16, 2022
- 15
i made the decisions to ctb a month ago. i've procrastinated doing this for the last few days. but i think i am ready. i don't want to die. but i don't want to go on as incompatibly with the world and disappointingly to others as i feel like i am. passing as normal-enough is exhausting, and i am less able to pull it off than i was when i was younger. and i'm not willing to deal with what complete emotional vulnerability will cost me. i've lost my raison d'etre. and the distractions that protect and prolong my life are not enough to replace that. i've tried with increasing failure to repair my life over the last 10 years. i just want to go to sleep. i am sad about it. i am sad. but i have had a good life along the way. and at least this way it's under my own terms, and i don't have to let myself or anyone else down ever again. it's not ideal. it just is. because i am making this choice. i did my best for as long as i could ... or as long as i was willing.
this site has been an invaluable resource and a much needed place of empathy and acceptance. i surfed the site anonymously long before i registered. thank you.
it's been 9 hours since i last ate or drank anything (i fasted overnight).
i just mixed 3 doses of sn (i'm a big guy, so i mixed 30g in 60ml of water – based on this lookup table).
interesting side note, i was pleasantly surprised by the chemical reaction that made the water cold after mixing in the sn (i could feel it through the plastic container).
i made 3 doses in case of vomiting, because (against advisement*) i am skipping the anti-emetics. i know with myself and my adhd, and figuring out how to get beta-blockers or other meds requiring a prescription in canada (under false pretenses) was beyond me to pull off. and doing sn without ae meds was still more appealing than partial hanging or the night-night method (which were/are my backups).
*no lectures please in this thread. i am not asking for a critique, and i don't want to hear any gear-head technical commentary from suicide scenesters right now. i made an informed decision. if you feel a self-righteous need to express your views on the subject, take it somewhere else. (like this interesting thread)
the last thing i have to decide is whether i'm going to take it in my bed or in the comfy chair in my den where i think my vomiting or other noises will be less noticeable / concerning to my neighbours. also, it would compel me to get dressed, which is probably a better way to be found (even though naked under my blanket currently feels pretty nice … and like a nice last way to feel).
once i make that decision, i'm going to swig some listerine to try to overwhelm my taste buds a little. then i'm going to stick a straw into my first dose and take it. and if i vomit that up, i'll take the next … and then the next.
i'll post another note when i do that. and i'll try to log whatever subsequent reactions i can.
i'm staying logged into the site, but might not be replying to anything else from here on in. i kind of need to be alone with this.
c'est tout.
this site has been an invaluable resource and a much needed place of empathy and acceptance. i surfed the site anonymously long before i registered. thank you.
it's been 9 hours since i last ate or drank anything (i fasted overnight).
i just mixed 3 doses of sn (i'm a big guy, so i mixed 30g in 60ml of water – based on this lookup table).
interesting side note, i was pleasantly surprised by the chemical reaction that made the water cold after mixing in the sn (i could feel it through the plastic container).
i made 3 doses in case of vomiting, because (against advisement*) i am skipping the anti-emetics. i know with myself and my adhd, and figuring out how to get beta-blockers or other meds requiring a prescription in canada (under false pretenses) was beyond me to pull off. and doing sn without ae meds was still more appealing than partial hanging or the night-night method (which were/are my backups).
*no lectures please in this thread. i am not asking for a critique, and i don't want to hear any gear-head technical commentary from suicide scenesters right now. i made an informed decision. if you feel a self-righteous need to express your views on the subject, take it somewhere else. (like this interesting thread)
the last thing i have to decide is whether i'm going to take it in my bed or in the comfy chair in my den where i think my vomiting or other noises will be less noticeable / concerning to my neighbours. also, it would compel me to get dressed, which is probably a better way to be found (even though naked under my blanket currently feels pretty nice … and like a nice last way to feel).
once i make that decision, i'm going to swig some listerine to try to overwhelm my taste buds a little. then i'm going to stick a straw into my first dose and take it. and if i vomit that up, i'll take the next … and then the next.
i'll post another note when i do that. and i'll try to log whatever subsequent reactions i can.
i'm staying logged into the site, but might not be replying to anything else from here on in. i kind of need to be alone with this.
c'est tout.
Last edited:
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