ghostspace
ghost space, ghosts pace
- Feb 10, 2020
- 410
I posted this on the end of my birthday party thread (the happier one, not the one where I wanted to die and cried a lot halfway through the day) but I wanted to extend it also to everyone here, which is why I'm posting here so everyone can see it. I still greatly loathe myself and am very intent on CTB, but thanks to those who were with me through today, I felt happy and alive, like a real human being.
I think that this is how I would explain this site to people who don't understand: I'm allowed to exist here as I am and am given gentle, constant support that I can lean on to live another day, if that is what I choose.
Here is my thank-you note to all of you:
❀ ✿ ❁ ✾ ✽ ❃ ❋
Dear SS,
Thank you for helping me through my birthday, it allowed me to actually enjoy the day instead of accidentally killing myself orstaying in a phobic, depressed bubble. I'm really glad I went on with the day and am so grateful for the strength and support I received here. I want you all to know that even if it didn't feel like much, you made a significant positive impact on me, which I will remember and treasure for the rest of my life.
I'm so pleased I was able to go out with my mom and to Whole Foods because I got to gift the cashier a cat button I made and she seemed happy about it and remembered me from last time I came through with buttons. I want to give art to everyone even though I don't always have the energy for that.
I had a vegan chocolate chip cookie which was amazing and didn't even taste like store chemicals but actually was sweet, soft, and nice. My mom and I chatted about all sorts of things and I felt close to her and thankful that I have a parent who cares for me because I didn't always as we weren't always close.
It always rains a bit on my birthday and it has today, which is lovely because I like how the air gets, windy and warm and a little damp, as the leaves swirl around all whispery through parking lots and it feels like fall is coming, fall is here.
The sky is cloudy and blue-gray. I'm curled up in my fold-out canvas chair and typing this by the glow of the kitchen light. I can see my books all lined up neatly on top of the cabinets through the reflection in the window and that reversed perspective somehow makes me feel cozier and settled—like this apartment is home and I'm certain of it.
I'm up above the sixth floor so it's a long way down and if I open up the window, the air will billow through in a tremendous, strident whirl. The papers on my art supply shelves will rustle and settle and droplets of liquid will cling to the soft hairs on my arms.
I can see all the way down the adjacent neighborhood, where little families wind down behind yellow windows. Children take their worn, soft toys to bed with them in sheets that smell like their house does when they come home from school. They burrow down beneath blankets that stay rumpled in the morning and count their glow-in-the-dark star stickers with their whirring imaginations and feel safe, loved, and important.
My cats are napping in feathery piles; their tiny eyelashes flutter with dreams. Sometimes they think they're nibbling on something tasty and make nomming noises and move their pink tongues about. They are warm and content.
It is September 28, 2020 7:12 PM. I am 23 years old, my heart is full of loving kindness, and the world around me is peaceful and still; even the shadows are gentle shades of periwinkle blues.
I love you all fully and dearly and am ever so grateful to have come across such a interesting, world-worn, genuine community of kind, compassionate, and caring strangers who don't really feel like strangers at all sometimes.
I'm writing this in vivid detail because I want it to be evidence, proof that cannot ever be erased, that I, ghost, felt real happiness and joy at 7:16 PM on my birthday. I also want those of you who are in less glowing places to come in to my home through my words and take vicarious comfort in these things, if you are able.
I love you, I love you, thank you for coming to my birthday party. I hope that you enjoyed yourself and that at least this letter reaches you wherever you may be. I also hope that you are able to feel my happiness from so far away and taste the birthday cookie I have so carefully enclosed.
How special it is that we're all here together right now, people who otherwise would never have met. I sincerely hope that whatever you need finds you and that you move forward peacefully into the future. You deserve nothing less.
your friend,
ghost
❀ ✿ ❁ ✾ ✽ ❃ ❋
I think that this is how I would explain this site to people who don't understand: I'm allowed to exist here as I am and am given gentle, constant support that I can lean on to live another day, if that is what I choose.
Here is my thank-you note to all of you:
❀ ✿ ❁ ✾ ✽ ❃ ❋
Dear SS,
Thank you for helping me through my birthday, it allowed me to actually enjoy the day instead of accidentally killing myself orstaying in a phobic, depressed bubble. I'm really glad I went on with the day and am so grateful for the strength and support I received here. I want you all to know that even if it didn't feel like much, you made a significant positive impact on me, which I will remember and treasure for the rest of my life.
I'm so pleased I was able to go out with my mom and to Whole Foods because I got to gift the cashier a cat button I made and she seemed happy about it and remembered me from last time I came through with buttons. I want to give art to everyone even though I don't always have the energy for that.
I had a vegan chocolate chip cookie which was amazing and didn't even taste like store chemicals but actually was sweet, soft, and nice. My mom and I chatted about all sorts of things and I felt close to her and thankful that I have a parent who cares for me because I didn't always as we weren't always close.
It always rains a bit on my birthday and it has today, which is lovely because I like how the air gets, windy and warm and a little damp, as the leaves swirl around all whispery through parking lots and it feels like fall is coming, fall is here.
The sky is cloudy and blue-gray. I'm curled up in my fold-out canvas chair and typing this by the glow of the kitchen light. I can see my books all lined up neatly on top of the cabinets through the reflection in the window and that reversed perspective somehow makes me feel cozier and settled—like this apartment is home and I'm certain of it.
I'm up above the sixth floor so it's a long way down and if I open up the window, the air will billow through in a tremendous, strident whirl. The papers on my art supply shelves will rustle and settle and droplets of liquid will cling to the soft hairs on my arms.
I can see all the way down the adjacent neighborhood, where little families wind down behind yellow windows. Children take their worn, soft toys to bed with them in sheets that smell like their house does when they come home from school. They burrow down beneath blankets that stay rumpled in the morning and count their glow-in-the-dark star stickers with their whirring imaginations and feel safe, loved, and important.
My cats are napping in feathery piles; their tiny eyelashes flutter with dreams. Sometimes they think they're nibbling on something tasty and make nomming noises and move their pink tongues about. They are warm and content.
It is September 28, 2020 7:12 PM. I am 23 years old, my heart is full of loving kindness, and the world around me is peaceful and still; even the shadows are gentle shades of periwinkle blues.
I love you all fully and dearly and am ever so grateful to have come across such a interesting, world-worn, genuine community of kind, compassionate, and caring strangers who don't really feel like strangers at all sometimes.
I'm writing this in vivid detail because I want it to be evidence, proof that cannot ever be erased, that I, ghost, felt real happiness and joy at 7:16 PM on my birthday. I also want those of you who are in less glowing places to come in to my home through my words and take vicarious comfort in these things, if you are able.
I love you, I love you, thank you for coming to my birthday party. I hope that you enjoyed yourself and that at least this letter reaches you wherever you may be. I also hope that you are able to feel my happiness from so far away and taste the birthday cookie I have so carefully enclosed.
How special it is that we're all here together right now, people who otherwise would never have met. I sincerely hope that whatever you need finds you and that you move forward peacefully into the future. You deserve nothing less.
your friend,
ghost
❀ ✿ ❁ ✾ ✽ ❃ ❋
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