Thank you everyone (a possible goodbye) [edit: I live]

[Uninfluential_Karma]

Thank you to everyone who responded to me and took a small time out of your day to acknowledge me. I'm so happy I found one place that was open to my feelings and supportive. By the time this posts, I will be doing my first real attempt. I'm going to CTB by hanging myself in my room, it was one of the few options I feel confident in and have access to. If you're wondering what I could of been struggling with, check the about section in my profile. I won't bore you, but in short, all that help went out to me and it did improve things slightly but may have not been enough. If I don't respond any time tomorrow, assume I succeeded in my plan.

Despite deciding to CBT, I still think life has meaning. Mine just happened to be lost and I couldn't find a new one. Please live life for yourselves, not to say other people aren't worth it, but if you can't find meaning for yourself, it's hard to see a way out. If you think there's still hope for you, or you still have hope for hope, please seek out help. Your life is worth trying to save and you are never a waste. Maybe you have tried before but it didn't help, please keep trying anyway. I'm almost certain there will be new things to try that can save at least a few people.

If I don't come back tomorrow, assume I died. I died not in fear, but in anticipation and for once doing something for myself. Maybe you don't believe in an afterlife, but I think I did. Right now I hope I'm reuniting with loved ones and enjoying the new experience. I'm going to send an automated message to my immediate family and my friend and I hope they can forgive me.

Please take care. You all are amazing people, doubt that all you want but it won't change my mind.

- Karma

 

[alltoomuch2]

I wish you peace, whatever happens.

 

[dolemitedrums]

May you have a peaceful journey. And if you change your mind, I'll be glad to still have you around.

 

[Uninfluential_Karma]

Fuck life. Anyways as you all can tell, I'm still alive. I attempted 3 different methods and they all failed or survival instinct kicked in. I'm going to look into easier methods and continue trying to die. I don't even want to think that there will be tomorrow but I'm stuck with that now.

 

[Evelyn Lane]

Fuck life. Anyways as you all can tell, I'm still alive. I attempted 3 different methods and they all failed or survival instinct kicked in. I'm going to look into easier methods and continue trying to die. I don't even want to think that there will be tomorrow but I'm stuck with that now.

I remember you mentioning that you would hang yourself: how did you fail that?

 

[Uninfluential_Karma]

I remember you mentioning that you would hang yourself: how did you fail that?

I tried partial and got up to starting to feel like I couldn't breathe and then I would quickly move into a position that allowed more air involuntarily. I went back and forth like that for quite a bit where I would attempt and then I'd trigger survival reflexes. At one point, I just gave up on wanting to give myself a choice so I got in position to do full suspension hanging. I fell for a very short distance and it worked for a second but then I could feel something slipping and I gently fell to the ground. I found out that where it was connected had slipped out of place and basically untied itself. For fun I pulled up a website that randomly generated a yes or no answer and asked if I would die, 6 different times it said no. I got a little frustrated by that and got some duct tape and a thick plastic bag and basically taped my mouth and nose and taped the bag around my head. I would get really close but would freak out and pull everything out of the way so I could breathe.

TLDR: These methods probably would work for anyone else but survival mode and air hunger kicked in for me too much. Full hanging obviously is reliable if you make sure both ends are secure, but I didn't and it ended to me failing.