icetea15
f*ck bpd and you'll be free
- Apr 12, 2020
- 88
Hello guys and girls,
First of all: I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors, I'm from Germany/Austria and unfortunately I'm not a native speaker.
I don't know why it took me so long so tell you my story but today I decided to do exactly that: My story of what happens when you try SN.
My actual medication is:
2.5mg lorazepam
150mg venlafaxine
200mg modafinil
0,25mg triazolam
10mg diazepam
10mg metoclopramid
45mg mirtazpine
80mg propranolol
(Yes, you read that right. I take a lot, severe depression for 10 years and chronic suicidality…)
It was a thursday evening. I've had my SN for almost a year. I did a blood test long time ago (which was successful) but that evening I thought to myself that I would like to test it myself. No matter how it ends. I weighed the SN exactly. 2g. The minimum "lethal" dose.
I try to make it clear on a timeline.
09:00:
I swallowed lorazepam, modafinil and venlafaxine in the morning. The night before (about 11pm) the rest of the medication.
13:00:
My first meal, cereal with milk, not much but I rarely have breakfast.
19:00:
We had homemade schnitzel with fries, lots of ketchup and coke.
21:00:
I didn't take any other medication 12 hours before. I started taking SN.
I mixed exactly 2g of SN with exactly 250ml of coke. I know it's totally out of the typical schedule (Stan Plan), but like I mentioned earlier, I wasn't really planning to die, even though I have all the medication I need.
I'm a med student and messed my oxygen level about the whole process using a pulse oximeter. The taste was 100% coke. The aftertaste: horrible, like bleach. But the taste could quickly be washed away by more coke.
21:15:
Oxygen level: 95%
Heartrate: 81/bpm
21:30:
Oxygen level: 93%
Heartrate: 99/bpm
21:45:
Oxygen level: 90%
Heartrate: 110/bpm
22:00:
Oxygen level: 88%
Heartrate: 132/bpm
22:15:
Oxygen level: 83%
Heartrate: 154/bpm
When my oxygen level fell below (critical) 85, I decided to smoke a cigarette and then asked my brother if he could drive me to the hospital. My lips were very bluish and my skin was getting lighter and lighter. I just told my brother that I was getting real sick.
22:35-00:10:
We got to the hospital, we went to the emergency room, and I was immediately greeted by two nurses. I had to completely undress, had electrodes taped to my chest and an oxygen tube around my nose. I was asked if I had taken anything (obviously: my arm and my body are full of scars), I said no. During the interrogation they repeatedly took small samples of my blood and tested it for all kinds of drugs. They didn't find anything. Funny though, they had to use a very wide needle to access the blood from the vein, because my blood was brown and very thick at the time. The doctor said: "That looks exactly like mud".
I'm sure you're wondering how I felt meanwhile: Amazingly good. Although my heart rate was consistently over 150, I didn't feel any of this. I was just tired. I even threw up twice but without feeling nauseous.
00:10:
I had no overview of my exact oxygen level, I just knew that my heart was beating very fast. Over the time I was given more and more oxygen through the tube, and later I had a mask on. The doctors just told me that although the oxygen level was still falling, they could/had slow it down. At 00:10 everything changed: The monitor behind sent a loud alarm. Two doctors came immediately with an emergency kit and an oxygen tank. I was pushed down the hallways of the hospital with two nurses as if there was a race. I was told on the way that my oxygen level had dropped rapidly to below 65% in a matter of time and that I had to go to the intensive care unit immediately.
Once there, the same procedure began as at the beginning. With the exception that this time a ventilator "helped" me breathing like semi-automatically, and that I was now given an arterial access on my right wrist.
00:30-02:30:
The following 2 hours consist of a mix of my memories and the doctor's stories afterwards. I try to explain it as unmedically as possible.
I was fine, I would even say very well. However, I lost consciousness a total of 6 times over time. It always felt like I just fell asleep for a moment. Only afterwards they told me that every time "I was asleep", my left ventricle was unable to flow enough blood into the right ventricle due to the thickness of the blood. This irritated my heart muscle and led to "ventricular fibrillation" (according to Google, this is the english translation of "Kammerflimmern", a word that every German speaker knows). After the first time, more electrodes were stuck to my chest that can deliver a shock with the push of a button. Yep, they had to use a defibrillator. And another five times after that thought the button. During this whole process, the doctors were connected to the German Poison Center (Giftzentrale) at all times. After several blood conserves (they sucked my blood out of my body and added new one at the same time, like a dialysis but with new blood) and anitdots, I was given exactly the medication: methylene blue. My oxygen levels rose to 97% in about 10 minutes. It was over. The doctors and nurses were finally relieved, full of sweat. Only then everything I write here was fully explained to me.
02:30-04:30:
Despite the fact that I kept requested the nurses to inform my brother what was/is happening, my brother was only afterwards informed that I survived it. They didn't want to let him know until I survived or died. 2 more hours passed in which my values were observed. At half past four I decided to leave the hospital voluntarily. I knew that nothing more would happen now and had to sign two contracts that I am at my own risk and that the doctors do not recommend it.
That's me afterwards.
Now I sit here and write down my experiences with the hope that it will eventually help somebody. I can't guarantee it 100% though but: there are NO after-effects. I went to check-ups several times in the same week and no heart defects were found. I feel the same way as before. Still severely depressed, but physically healthy. The only physical after-effect I got and are now gone:
View attachment p99.jpg
Thank you very much if you've read it up to here, I hope my english wasn't toooo bad. I am happy to answer any questions or anything else, and if there are any doubts, I am ready to give the handwritten final report from the hospital to a moderator so that you can be sure that this is not a made-up story. And sorry for the title... I deal depression with humour and everybody who knows the real title of the netflix movie: It was a fcking good movie.
Cheers
First of all: I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors, I'm from Germany/Austria and unfortunately I'm not a native speaker.
I don't know why it took me so long so tell you my story but today I decided to do exactly that: My story of what happens when you try SN.
WARNING: NSFW, graphical image of my face, wrist and arm.
My actual medication is:
2.5mg lorazepam
150mg venlafaxine
200mg modafinil
0,25mg triazolam
10mg diazepam
10mg metoclopramid
45mg mirtazpine
80mg propranolol
(Yes, you read that right. I take a lot, severe depression for 10 years and chronic suicidality…)
It was a thursday evening. I've had my SN for almost a year. I did a blood test long time ago (which was successful) but that evening I thought to myself that I would like to test it myself. No matter how it ends. I weighed the SN exactly. 2g. The minimum "lethal" dose.
I try to make it clear on a timeline.
09:00:
I swallowed lorazepam, modafinil and venlafaxine in the morning. The night before (about 11pm) the rest of the medication.
13:00:
My first meal, cereal with milk, not much but I rarely have breakfast.
19:00:
We had homemade schnitzel with fries, lots of ketchup and coke.
21:00:
I didn't take any other medication 12 hours before. I started taking SN.
I mixed exactly 2g of SN with exactly 250ml of coke. I know it's totally out of the typical schedule (Stan Plan), but like I mentioned earlier, I wasn't really planning to die, even though I have all the medication I need.
I'm a med student and messed my oxygen level about the whole process using a pulse oximeter. The taste was 100% coke. The aftertaste: horrible, like bleach. But the taste could quickly be washed away by more coke.
21:15:
Oxygen level: 95%
Heartrate: 81/bpm
21:30:
Oxygen level: 93%
Heartrate: 99/bpm
21:45:
Oxygen level: 90%
Heartrate: 110/bpm
22:00:
Oxygen level: 88%
Heartrate: 132/bpm
22:15:
Oxygen level: 83%
Heartrate: 154/bpm
When my oxygen level fell below (critical) 85, I decided to smoke a cigarette and then asked my brother if he could drive me to the hospital. My lips were very bluish and my skin was getting lighter and lighter. I just told my brother that I was getting real sick.
22:35-00:10:
We got to the hospital, we went to the emergency room, and I was immediately greeted by two nurses. I had to completely undress, had electrodes taped to my chest and an oxygen tube around my nose. I was asked if I had taken anything (obviously: my arm and my body are full of scars), I said no. During the interrogation they repeatedly took small samples of my blood and tested it for all kinds of drugs. They didn't find anything. Funny though, they had to use a very wide needle to access the blood from the vein, because my blood was brown and very thick at the time. The doctor said: "That looks exactly like mud".
I'm sure you're wondering how I felt meanwhile: Amazingly good. Although my heart rate was consistently over 150, I didn't feel any of this. I was just tired. I even threw up twice but without feeling nauseous.
00:10:
I had no overview of my exact oxygen level, I just knew that my heart was beating very fast. Over the time I was given more and more oxygen through the tube, and later I had a mask on. The doctors just told me that although the oxygen level was still falling, they could/had slow it down. At 00:10 everything changed: The monitor behind sent a loud alarm. Two doctors came immediately with an emergency kit and an oxygen tank. I was pushed down the hallways of the hospital with two nurses as if there was a race. I was told on the way that my oxygen level had dropped rapidly to below 65% in a matter of time and that I had to go to the intensive care unit immediately.
Once there, the same procedure began as at the beginning. With the exception that this time a ventilator "helped" me breathing like semi-automatically, and that I was now given an arterial access on my right wrist.
00:30-02:30:
The following 2 hours consist of a mix of my memories and the doctor's stories afterwards. I try to explain it as unmedically as possible.
I was fine, I would even say very well. However, I lost consciousness a total of 6 times over time. It always felt like I just fell asleep for a moment. Only afterwards they told me that every time "I was asleep", my left ventricle was unable to flow enough blood into the right ventricle due to the thickness of the blood. This irritated my heart muscle and led to "ventricular fibrillation" (according to Google, this is the english translation of "Kammerflimmern", a word that every German speaker knows). After the first time, more electrodes were stuck to my chest that can deliver a shock with the push of a button. Yep, they had to use a defibrillator. And another five times after that thought the button. During this whole process, the doctors were connected to the German Poison Center (Giftzentrale) at all times. After several blood conserves (they sucked my blood out of my body and added new one at the same time, like a dialysis but with new blood) and anitdots, I was given exactly the medication: methylene blue. My oxygen levels rose to 97% in about 10 minutes. It was over. The doctors and nurses were finally relieved, full of sweat. Only then everything I write here was fully explained to me.
02:30-04:30:
Despite the fact that I kept requested the nurses to inform my brother what was/is happening, my brother was only afterwards informed that I survived it. They didn't want to let him know until I survived or died. 2 more hours passed in which my values were observed. At half past four I decided to leave the hospital voluntarily. I knew that nothing more would happen now and had to sign two contracts that I am at my own risk and that the doctors do not recommend it.
That's me afterwards.
Now I sit here and write down my experiences with the hope that it will eventually help somebody. I can't guarantee it 100% though but: there are NO after-effects. I went to check-ups several times in the same week and no heart defects were found. I feel the same way as before. Still severely depressed, but physically healthy. The only physical after-effect I got and are now gone:
View attachment p99.jpg
Thank you very much if you've read it up to here, I hope my english wasn't toooo bad. I am happy to answer any questions or anything else, and if there are any doubts, I am ready to give the handwritten final report from the hospital to a moderator so that you can be sure that this is not a made-up story. And sorry for the title... I deal depression with humour and everybody who knows the real title of the netflix movie: It was a fcking good movie.
Cheers
