Venting Terrified to continue living, terrified to die

[starlightsun]

Stuck in horrible limbo. I wake up every day in excruciating emotional pain thinking, I cannot believe this is actually real. Then I try to get back to sleep so I don't have to face it, only to wake up again and again and be hit by the same crushing feeling.

I feel an urgency to get out of here but have a deep fear of failing ctb (if I fail my chosen method I could end up brain damaged), or succeeding but having my consciousness continue and be trapped in another hell-like experience, being forced to reincarnate, something along those lines.

Every waking moment I am screaming on the inside, unable to talk to those around me about it. I feel paralyzed with fear in both directions, not wanting to live but scared of death also. It's the classic "trapped between a rock and a hard place". I'm thinking maybe medication might at least alleviate some of the fear and make my predicament somewhat bearable, I don't know.

Do you have similar fears? How do you handle them?

 

[user56765567]

I feel the exact same way in almost every sense you just described. Waking up is a nightmare in and of itself as I feel like I'm losing my mind everyday. I also feel like I am screaming on the inside all the time as the people around me alienate me more and more which make me not want to talk to them more and more. I don't really have an answer to this myself either as the only thing I feel that has help me is analyzing my fears and walking myself through them rationally multiple times over to try to make them less scary and easier to digest. I think regardless it's still a struggle for most people including myself and I don't think there's a clear and perfect answer on how to deal with this exactly. I think for everybody it is different and you have to find what works best for you. It sucks that you're going through this too. My heart goes out to you.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

Exactly. You're not alone

 

[J&L383]

Sharing here may help you feel at least not alone - it does help me. I can relate: living and the process of dying both feel daunting. However, I'm less worried about the death, once it's finalized. (I do need to make sure that the dying, if it's something I do on my own, works 100%). I don't see hard evidence to support a post-life existence where I would be regretting my decision, but I'm more into science than religion. We will find out, sooner or later, if there is a "there" there, and if there is, I sure hope it's good!

 

[Sleeper System]

I go to bed knowing I have to wake up and do things I don't want to do to continue surviving.
Waking up and forcing myself to get started is the hardest part of my day.
Once i'm awake, my body just moves. I try not to think too much and just act.
After that, the day just sort of passes by and suddenly im back in my bed dreading the next day.

I don't believe in anything like the after life or reincarnation. I think we only get one chance at this and that's it.
Our energy gets put back into the cosmos and some new form of existence is given life with our conciousness un-attached.
I often think about what hell would be like and its kind of scary but it's just fiction as far as my brain is concerned.

 

[J&L383]

If there is hell and we meet there I will give you a hearty "hell-o"!, but I'm with you, it's one life and then ppffft - > back to the cosmos we go.

 

[noneed]

Right here with you

 

[TrigSpook]

I want to die so badly. I hate living, everything about this world sucks. But whenever I try to die, I always find myself terrified. I'm so scared to fail, but I just keep doing it.

I want to leave this world so badly. I'm so tired. But I seem to reach out to someone at the last minute. I'm scared of death, yet it's so addicting.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I just find it so horrible how we cannot have the option to just easily die in peace without risks in a guaranteed way. It's cruel how existence doesn't come with an permanent offswitch, I certainly understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped here in this hellish existence where there is no limit as to how much we can suffer. A suicide attempt going wrong is also what I would fear, in general I just fear existence and the suffering it causes, I only wish for nothingness.

 

[Thefuture]

eel that has help me is analyzing my fears and walking myself through them rationally multiple times over to try to make them less scary and easier to digest. I think regardless it's still a struggle for most people including my

Sharing here may help you feel at least not alone - it does help me. I can relate: living and the process of dying both feel daunting. However, I'm less worried about the death, once it's finalized. (I do need to make sure that the dying, if it's something I do on my own, works 100%). I don't see hard evidence to support a post-life existence where I would be regretting my decision, but I'm more into science than religion. We will find out, sooner or later, if there is a "there" there, and if there is, I sure hope it's good!

Not to be rude but why does fearing what could possibly happen after death have to be a religious thing? we don't even understand consciousness among trillions of other things... we know we don't even perceive reality for what it is. It's not crazy to think it could repeat infinitely. Or that there's multiple worlds going on and once you die you just experience another... it could all be a dream.

 

[thalasabin]

I share the exact same feelings as you. I am in such a rough time in my life and I have no motivation to keep going I just want to end it all. But at the same time I am afraid of what lies beyond. I am afraid of leaving behind certain things that bring me little blips of joy. But life is just too much to bear. It's like what you said, I feel like I'm in limbo too.

 

[Thefuture]

I have the same worries OP. I have also experienced things I cannot explain and other states of mind. I have had psychosis which has really made me afraid of living even more... but also dying. I am too afraid to live any longer and "killed" myself long ago by removing myself from reality and existing in my home, alone without contact. Like I'm watching life go on through my screen. It's miserable. But it makes it easier not to have to face the fact I need to kms because I can live comfortablely away from real life even if it's mentally painful. But I do want to die... I will hopefully get over this fear soon.

 

[starlightsun]

On my phone and it won't let me put the cursor after your reply (below). Mornings are honestly the f*cking worst. I am similar in that once I am up I am able to function but all the while in the mind is fear. The only time I don't feel it is when I'm distracted, usually by doing something or interacting, but even then it's not far away. I used to be very much about the empirical evidence too and science-minded, but unfortunately I ended up going down a rabbit hole that started with listening to many interviews of people who have have had near death experiences. I couldn't deny that there is something more going on with reality, and I've since had my own experiences to add to this belief. I'm neither spiritual or religious.

I go to bed knowing I have to wake up and do things I don't want to do to continue surviving.
Waking up and forcing myself to get started is the hardest part of my day.
Once i'm awake, my body just moves. I try not to think too much and just act.
After that, the day just sort of passes by and suddenly im back in my bed dreading the next day.

I don't believe in anything like the after life or reincarnation. I think we only get one chance at this and that's it.
Our energy gets put back into the cosmos and some new form of existence is given life with our conciousness un-attached.
I often think about what hell would be like and its kind of scary but it's just fiction as far as my brain is concerned

In my case I just find it so horrible how we cannot have the option to just easily die in peace without risks in a guaranteed way. It's cruel how existence doesn't come with an permanent offswitch, I certainly understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped here in this hellish existence where there is no limit as to how much we can suffer. A suicide attempt going wrong is also what I would fear, in general I just fear existence and the suffering it causes, I only wish for nothingness.

Yes, everything here. I wish for nothingness too, the idea of an eternal life/form/soul and with no offswitch = prison. I'm curious how you cope with day-to-day living, if you don't mind me asking that. I can't imagine living years of feeling this way.

Not to be rude but why does fearing what could possibly happen after death have to be a religious thing? we don't even understand consciousness among trillions of other things... we know we don't even perceive reality for what it is. It's not crazy to think it could repeat infinitely. Or that there's multiple worlds going on and once you die you just experience another... it could all be a dream.

Thank you for saying that. I'm neither religious or spiritual, and we are arrogant if we think we yet understand what this reality or consciousness is. I only have my theories. I would love to disprove them because they horrify me and make dying all the more terrifying.

I have the same worries OP. I have also experienced things I cannot explain and other states of mind. I have had psychosis which has really made me afraid of living even more... but also dying. I am too afraid to live any longer and "killed" myself long ago by removing myself from reality and existing in my home, alone without contact. Like I'm watching life go on through my screen. It's miserable. But it makes it easier not to have to face the fact I need to kms because I can live comfortablely away from real life even if it's mentally painful. But I do want to die... I will hopefully get over this fear soon.

I am so sorry. Being isolated and having psychosis, I can't even imagine. I wish none of us had to go through this hell alone and we could peacefully and reliably exit. My heart goes to you.

I share the exact same feelings as you. I am in such a rough time in my life and I have no motivation to keep going I just want to end it all. But at the same time I am afraid of what lies beyond. I am afraid of leaving behind certain things that bring me little blips of joy. But life is just too much to bear. It's like what you said, I feel like I'm in limbo too.

Exactly this. And the leaving things behind as well, it breaks my heart. This world is at least familiar and we know the rules, in death it's completely unknown.

. I don't really have an answer to this myself either as the only thing I feel that has help me is analyzing my fears and walking myself through them rationally multiple times over to try to make them less scary and easier to digest.

Thank you, I am sorry you/we are all going through this, I honestly wouldn't wish this mental anguish on anybody. Sometimes I have moments of calm rational thought, but I can't seem to think my way into reassuring myself that it's going to be okay when fundamentally I don't believe it. Sometimes I get small comfort from thinking that we all must go through death, so although it's lonely for the individual it's still a shared experience for all. And that I'm just fast-tracking the inevitable. And that at least I have control over one thing (providing it all goes to plan).

Sharing here may help you feel at least not alone - it does help me. I can relate: living and the process of dying both feel daunting. However, I'm less worried about the death, once it's finalized. (I do need to make sure that the dying, if it's something I do on my own, works 100%). I don't see hard evidence to support a post-life existence where I would be regretting my decision, but I'm more into science than religion. We will find out, sooner or later, if there is a "there" there, and if there is, I sure hope it's good!

I do feel a bit calmer and less alone, thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I'm very thankful this site exists and that we can safely share.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, everything here. I wish for nothingness too, the idea of an eternal life/form/soul and with no offswitch = prison. I'm curious how you cope with day-to-day living, if you don't mind me asking that. I can't imagine living years of feeling this way.

The way I see it as long as I exist here there's no choice but to suffer. But in my case at least I'm usually able to sleep for some of my time spent here, however temporary sleep could never bring much relief as long as the chance of waking is there, only an eternal and dreamless sleep could.

 

[Jolene79]

Yes this is my reality every day. I wake up however with new horrifying symptoms related to a progressive neuropathy attacking my sensory nerves, now very aggressively through my entire face and head .

There is no end to the terror and despair and sickness. I wake now every day, try hold it together as much as possible and drag my failing body up long enough to act normal in front of my child. Then I am hysterical most the day on the sofa when alone saying repeatedly, how on earth can I take one more day of this torture. And I don't know the answer to that. I have reasons to hang on as long as I can take but have the fear that I may get to a place where I'm completely non functioning and can't even take my life. I imagine for other reasons you are also afraid of losing the ability to take charge and do something to end it.

Coming here has made me realise sadly there is no quick easy painless method leaving minimal trauma to us and those left behind

 

[dangero]

I'm thinking maybe medication might at least alleviate some of the fear and make my predicament somewhat bearable, I don't know.

ssri will help you

or succeeding but having my consciousness continue and be trapped in another hell-like experience, being forced to reincarnate, something along those lines.

Reincarnation is the belief that as long as you refrain from doing terrible things, after death, you not only remain human but also avoid greater suffering than you experience now. The idea of reincarnation is continuous improvement without the possibility of greater suffering. Of course, you can regress, but only when you commit crimes. You can also go back and be someone other than a human, but in reincarnation the changes are not drastic.

In reincarnation, the incarnation you would be satisfied with is preceded by a lot of incarnations in which you would make a lot of mistakes. Once you would go backward, once you would go forward, and very slowly. This is a belief that happy people love to believe in, because they believe that death will not lead to a significant loss of happiness. They will be almost as beautiful, rich, happy. Sufferers, on the other hand, have to suffer through a great many incarnations and are additionally more likely to do evil.

I understand why happy people believe in it, but I completely fail to understand why suffering people believe in this fairy tale. It's hell for the suffering. I would rather belong to a different animal species but be in the satisfied majority than suffer for a very long time.

Random incarnation is much fairer. The calculus of probability works here, and a person who is extremely dissatisfied with life can with the highest probability be healthy, normal, belong to the majority. With a small probability, he can be very happy. With an equally small or smaller probability, he may suffer again. But it will not be a very long suffering as in reincarnation. Of course, in this case, you may belong to another species of animals, and we would rather not want that, although who knows what we would want by being birds.

 

[BlazingBob]

Thank you for writing this. I feel the exact same way. What scares me more than death is the process of dying. Death scares me too, especially the question of what comes next if anything. Life and my future scares the shit out of me as well. I wake up every day exhausted and with an intense feeling of dread. I can totally relate to the catch 22 feeling. I spend most of my day in bed because of my health, in constant despair. Opiates and benzos help a little, both of which I'm prescribed for the physical torment I go through.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

 

[starlightsun]

View attachment 124180

Lol, exactly.

Yes this is my reality every day. I wake up however with new horrifying symptoms related to a progressive neuropathy attacking my sensory nerves, now very aggressively through my entire face and head .

There is no end to the terror and despair and sickness. I wake now every day, try hold it together as much as possible and drag my failing body up long enough to act normal in front of my child. Then I am hysterical most the day on the sofa when alone saying repeatedly, how on earth can I take one more day of this torture. And I don't know the answer to that. I have reasons to hang on as long as I can take but have the fear that I may get to a place where I'm completely non functioning and can't even take my life. I imagine for other reasons you are also afraid of losing the ability to take charge and do something to end it.

Coming here has made me realise sadly there is no quick easy painless method leaving minimal trauma to us and those left behind

I am so sorry my heart. Why does this world have to be so cruel and unfair I just cannot fathom why. I am very afraid of that too, yes. No quick and easy but some are painless as far as we know, like inert gas. The trauma, unavoidable, sadly.

Thank you for writing this. I feel the exact same way. What scares me more than death is the process of dying. Death scares me too, especially the question of what comes next if anything. Life and my future scares the shit out of me as well. I wake up every day exhausted and with an intense feeling of dread. I can totally relate to the catch 22 feeling. I spend most of my day in bed because of my health, in constant despair. Opiates and benzos help a little, both of which I'm prescribed for the physical torment I go through.

I am so sorry, I wish you weren't in this awful predicament. I feel the deep sense of dread too. Something that comforts me (a tiny bit) is that all of us having to go through the death/dying process, whether it's sooner or later. But it's another thing to face the reality of it and know we must go through it alone. I really hope you can find relief from it all, (and thank goodness for benzos in the meantime honestly).

 

[LastFlowers]

Not to be rude but why does fearing what could possibly happen after death have to be a religious thing? we don't even understand consciousness among trillions of other things... we know we don't even perceive reality for what it is. It's not crazy to think it could repeat infinitely. Or that there's multiple worlds going on and once you die you just experience another... it could all be a dream.

I understand what you're saying, I think, though I'd be more concerned that there's something about the brain or body that we don't fully understand..where some sort of process beyond our concept of consciousness continues after the cessation we call 'death'.
Which is why I want to be cremated.
(Or rather, another reason why.)
Just burn it all to ash, just incase.
Speed up the process of total disintegration.

It's only a passing thought, not one I put too much stock into..but still probably another reason as to why I am awfully insistent on respecting the dead, treating their bodies with dignity, etc. Animals too.
I also wish my own remains could be put to rest in a specific way…some spread out far from those I despised and some not far from that and those which I cared for, like my beloved cats (I am deeply disturbed that I will be forever separated from my one kitten who was my "soul cat", my one small joy, my other half…given up under duress far too soon).

I'm not religious and I don't believe there's anything after this, but there is still room for scientific discovery and I also do care about what happens after I die..to a certain extent.
If I didn't, then I likely would have forgone any preparations or thoughts about requests..which are exhausting and have kept me here longer than I ever intended.

 

[notherenotnow]

I get you. All of the methods i ever wanted to try, would leave me disabled and completly ruined if i failed. Thats why i wont be shooting myself in the end.

I think i "got over" dying by mostly reading a lot of, i dont know, depressing things? Mostly philosophy, i suppose. Reading nihilism helped me incredibly much, so much that i dont really view suicidr as a death anymore, as weird as that may sound.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

I try to reframe it for myself as not killing myself but having an eternal sleep. It helps a bit. Im choosing SN so I will just pretend to go to the bed.

 

[YosemiteGrrl]

Stuck in horrible limbo. I wake up every day in excruciating emotional pain thinking, I cannot believe this is actually real. Then I try to get back to sleep so I don't have to face it, only to wake up again and again and be hit by the same crushing feeling.

I feel an urgency to get out of here but have a deep fear of failing ctb (if I fail my chosen method I could end up brain damaged), or succeeding but having my consciousness continue and be trapped in another hell-like experience, being forced to reincarnate, something along those lines.

Every waking moment I am screaming on the inside, unable to talk to those around me about it. I feel paralyzed with fear in both directions, not wanting to live but scared of death also. It's the classic "trapped between a rock and a hard place". I'm thinking maybe medication might at least alleviate some of the fear and make my predicament somewhat bearable, I don't know.

Do you have similar fears? How do you handle them?

I am in same place. And I have medication. It, doesn't help except to get to sleep, but I wake up in the same place, unable to function or be in the world to any capacity. I have reached out to everyone possible and no one knows any way to deal with my condition.
I would definitely try medication first. It may help you. If you have any ability to connect with loved ones consider yourself lucky and lean into them. If you are part of the world in any way, there is hope.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

In my case I just find it so horrible how we cannot have the option to just easily die in peace without risks in a guaranteed way. It's cruel how existence doesn't come with an permanent offswitch, I certainly understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped here in this hellish existence where there is no limit as to how much we can suffer. A suicide attempt going wrong is also what I would fear, in general I just fear existence and the suffering it causes, I only wish for nothingness.

Exactly. Pro lifers get on my last nerve. It should be my body my choice.

 

[IWishToDie]

Stuck in horrible limbo. I wake up every day in excruciating emotional pain thinking, I cannot believe this is actually real. Then I try to get back to sleep so I don't have to face it, only to wake up again and again and be hit by the same crushing feeling.

I feel an urgency to get out of here but have a deep fear of failing ctb (if I fail my chosen method I could end up brain damaged), or succeeding but having my consciousness continue and be trapped in another hell-like experience, being forced to reincarnate, something along those lines.

Every waking moment I am screaming on the inside, unable to talk to those around me about it. I feel paralyzed with fear in both directions, not wanting to live but scared of death also. It's the classic "trapped between a rock and a hard place". I'm thinking maybe medication might at least alleviate some of the fear and make my predicament somewhat bearable, I don't know.

Do you have similar fears? How do you handle them?

I don't have a full grasp of your personal problems but I would recommend magic mushrooms. They really help people with 'letting go' and treating depression that can't be cured with modern medicine. Worth a shot before death. They worked for me but I have a physical problem that seemingly can't be fixed, so now I'm suicidal for other reasons, lol. Best of luck to you.