Venting Terrified of pain in life and death

[PapaYeehaw]

There's no relief. In life, im too terrified of pain to drive, get a job, make friends. I cant be comfortable in death either because of the fear of pain forever in hell or pain for the rest of my life from a failed attempt. I still want to try hanging tonight. I am in so much pain. I'm stuck living at my parents in the middle of nowhere with no car and no friends. I have ideas to get out but im too depressed and anxious. I have my first therapy appointment on the 17th, but im too nervous. I think I will die first. Or at least I hope so. Partial hanging is very difficult to pull off. I read to look up instead of down as I do it. Ihave a nylon rope and a clothing rack thats strong enough to partially hold me up.

My final messages are on my last aesthetic post on my meme page. I'm sorry mom. I tried to warn you.