Terrified of having a mental disorder or something similar

[Mistiie]

I'm not sure whether or not this is the byproduct of actually having a mental disorder, or if it's just possibly a deep phobia or fear of mine, but I am terrified of the idea that I might have a mental disorder. My mother has ASD and in my father's family, BPD is present, so I'm mortified that this might have been passed down to me.

It might seem irrational or offensive to some people, especially those with things like BPD or ASD or any other thing, but I think I will actually CTB if this happens to be the case and I do get diagnosed with something other than social anxiety or OCD. ASD is probably the biggest fear of mine because there's many signs from when I was a child and, whilst there's almost none nowadays, I still struggle with socialising and making friends - I just find it impossible.

Thing is, I can't differentiate between possible ASD and just intense social anxiety as a result of not being socialised very well as a child. As mentioned, I had quite a few signs as a kid but as I've matured, all that remains are social issues. Not many people have ever mentioned the possibility of it to me but I've basically been ruminating on it for years at this point. I desperately want to know whether or not I have it just because the uncertainty is sucking the life out of me.

I think if I do end up being diagnosed with ASD, I'll CTB because it means that my problems aren't solvable. They're not temporary, and there won't be a better future for me. There's just an 'optimal' one where I'll always struggle with doing what I love most, socialising, and I'll always have something wrong with me that's built into the very hardware of my being that cannot be fundamentally changed in any way, unless some crazy gene therapy or lobotomy-esque procedure comes around to visit in the next 30 years or so. Even then, I don't think I can wait that long. If it is ASD and if that is what's caused all the issues in my life (which it would be if I do have it), then I'll just finish life because it's absolutely not going to get any better without those crazy operations or whatever that would turn me into a different person.

If ASD is what I have, then no one should have to live with this. It's a curse. Imagine being born without one of the fundamental characteristics that makes a human a human (socialising). That's not a life I want to partake in.

Then again, I don't even know if I will be diagnosed with it because as mentioned, it might not even be able to be differentiated from being brought up differently, or cPTSD, or my anxiety, or my OCD...I might just never know. In which case, I'd probably CTB anyway because that uncertainty will never be gone.

Does anyone else feel this way, or is it just me? It feels as though it's a death sentence to have a mental disorder, or at least it should be, given how horrific life can be to a person when you do have it. It's not even other people which cause that anguish, it's just the very concept of not being the same as other people, as being inferior to them.

 

[justcallmeJ]

I dont think ASD is a curse. Society puts a label on it like its a sickness. I just cannot see a reason why. I dont have ASD or anything thats on the spectrum, but I am socially awkward because of my upbringing. Heck even typing messages are so hard for me. At work like 95% of my co-workers have ASD. (work place for troubled youth) and let me tell you I fucking love these people. They might not all be the most socially skilled, but damn, the stories they can tell about the things they love, I can listen to it all day. People with autism just have a bit different brain than people without, and it does make them seem silly more compared to societies standard, but who doesnt love silly?

In the end, being social a skill, something you learn by being social, like learning to ride a bike by riding a bike.

And if you got BPD, then it still isnt the end of the world. Its a common thing and lots of people can live with it.

Have you done a couple of online ASD or BPD tests? In any case i would suggest seeing therapist. They can help you understand yourself. It is better to know what you have, so you and your environment knows what is wrong. And just know, there isnt a single person on this earth who is 100% mentally healthy, so dont feel shame.

We both will become social at one point, just gotta throw yourself out there

I am sure you are a very lovable person, with or without mental problems. <3

 

[NumbItAll]

Considering the completely arbitrary and unscientific origins of widely accepted diagnostics... https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13648470.2016.1226684

I do not believe that your outlook hinges upon whether you receive such a diagnosis. Brains are always changing, and the potential causes for the symptoms you have described are enormously complex -- not to be distilled down to a singular, defining label. As you mentioned, you had a difficult upbringing and were able to work through some (but not all) of those issues. Is it possible that the remaining social issues are solvable? I dunno, but I don't believe that a diagnosis (which is mostly a description of symptoms) determines that either. Best of luck.

 

[Mistiie]

I dont think ASD is a curse. Society puts a label on it like its a sickness. I just cannot see a reason why. I dont have ASD or anything thats on the spectrum, but I am socially awkward because of my upbringing. Heck even typing messages are so hard for me. At work like 95% of my co-workers have ASD. (work place for troubled youth) and let me tell you I fucking love these people. They might not all be the most socially skilled, but damn, the stories they can tell about the things they love, I can listen to it all day. People with autism just have a bit different brain than people without, and it does make them seem silly more compared to societies standard, but who doesnt love silly?

In the end, being social a skill, something you learn by being social, like learning to ride a bike by riding a bike.

And if you got BPD, then it still isnt the end of the world. Its a common thing and lots of people can live with it.

Have you done a couple of online ASD or BPD tests? In any case i would suggest seeing therapist. They can help you understand yourself. It is better to know what you have, so you and your environment knows what is wrong. And just know, there isnt a single person on this earth who is 100% mentally healthy, so dont feel shame.

We both will become social at one point, just gotta throw yourself out there

I am sure you are a very lovable person, with or without mental problems. <3

Maybe it's just me, but I see ASD as a curse, but not really because society puts the label on it as being a sickness. Hell, I feel as though the majority of people nowadays accept autistic people more than ever. I see multiple teachers at my education who have it and are open with it, many students, and no one bats an eye. Most that's done that could be seen as not accepting is using it as an insult - to me, it seems that in the U.K, we're generally quite open towards people we know are autistic, maybe not towards their behaviours though, which could be worked on.

It's also not that people with ASD are fundamentally unloveable people either. If it's, what, 3% of the population with ASD, then that's like 250 million people, or close to that. That's a lot of people that are accepted for it, diagnosed or not.

My view on it is that ASD impairs me. Whether or not others have it doesn't bother me, unless it causes them to not pick up some social skills that result in them doing more-than-creepy things, but that's not the majority of people. I feel like, if I had ASD, as mentioned, it means that whatever I have can't be solved through medication or therapy or whatever, and that it's built into me and as a result I'll never have the same opportunities to socialise as other people typically do - because my ability to do so is inherently and permanently inferior, even with practice.

I've done many ASD tests, more than I could possibly count, and most, if not all have come back with a very high likelihood of being neurotypical/allistic. The only one that didn't was the RAADS-R and even then, that was under a score of 65 which is where most psychiatrists would even bother trying to diagnose it, but above the absolute minimum an autistic person has ever got on it by about 8 points. The evidence for it seems lacking, if present at all in my tests, but when I look back to when I was a kid, I had almost all of the criteria. I doubt I would struggle getting diagnosed with it back then, but today, it's as if I am entirely different. None of the complete disregard of social cues. No more sensory issues or no eye contact (both of which were mild issues and I might just be forgetting how I experienced them in my head) - it is genuinely as if I just lost it as I got older. The tests and my experience as a child just don't line up at all, it's really weird.

 

[justcallmeJ]

Maybe it's just me, but I see ASD as a curse, but not really because society puts the label on it as being a sickness. Hell, I feel as though the majority of people nowadays accept autistic people more than ever. I see multiple teachers at my education who have it and are open with it, many students, and no one bats an eye. Most that's done that could be seen as not accepting is using it as an insult - to me, it seems that in the U.K, we're generally quite open towards people we know are autistic, maybe not towards their behaviours though, which could be worked on.

It's also not that people with ASD are fundamentally unloveable people either. If it's, what, 3% of the population with ASD, then that's like 250 million people, or close to that. That's a lot of people that are accepted for it, diagnosed or not.

My view on it is that ASD impairs me. Whether or not others have it doesn't bother me, unless it causes them to not pick up some social skills that result in them doing more-than-creepy things, but that's not the majority of people. I feel like, if I had ASD, as mentioned, it means that whatever I have can't be solved through medication or therapy or whatever, and that it's built into me and as a result I'll never have the same opportunities to socialise as other people typically do - because my ability to do so is inherently and permanently inferior, even with practice.

I've done many ASD tests, more than I could possibly count, and most, if not all have come back with a very high likelihood of being neurotypical/allistic. The only one that didn't was the RAADS-R and even then, that was under a score of 65 which is where most psychiatrists would even bother trying to diagnose it, but above the absolute minimum an autistic person has ever got on it by about 8 points. The evidence for it seems lacking, if present at all in my tests, but when I look back to when I was a kid, I had almost all of the criteria. I doubt I would struggle getting diagnosed with it back then, but today, it's as if I am entirely different. None of the complete disregard of social cues. No more sensory issues or no eye contact (both of which were mild issues and I might just be forgetting how I experienced them in my head) - it is genuinely as if I just lost it as I got older. The tests and my experience as a child just don't line up at all, it's really weird.

Well maybe you are just like me: broken. But everything thats broken can be fixed. Brains are a real bitch, but you can live with it. Dont have your entire life depend on having ASD. You can still do everything as the people without ASD. With some benefits and disadvantages.

Maybe you just dont need to focus on a diagnosis, in that case just go live your life and go after the things you want. As I said, socializing is a skill. Just be a good person and treat people with respect, and you will come far.

 

[Mistiie]

Well maybe you are just like me: broken. But everything thats broken can be fixed. Brains are a real bitch, but you can live with it. Dont have your entire life depend on having ASD. You can still do everything as the people without ASD. With some benefits and disadvantages.

Maybe you just dont need to focus on a diagnosis, in that case just go live your life and go after the things you want. As I said, socializing is a skill. Just be a good person and treat people with respect, and you will come far.

Eh, if I did have it, I definitely wouldn't be able to do everything people without ASD do. Socialising would be something that would never come naturally to me, or as naturally. Plus there's research on how people can pick up people with ASD within the first second of looking at them...

Would also try and avoid a diagnosis like the plague, if mental health disorders weren't the fuel of my ever-running OCD. It's like a train that keeps derailing and smashing into my other thoughts without hesitation; I can hardly focus on anything else other than the uncertainty granted by these thoughts, or maybe a better verb for that would be forced. It's crippling