Terrified at being forced to use undesirable CTB method out of desperation- seeking support.

[LoveTakesManyForms]

I'm feeling increasingly agitated and depressed each day. My living situation is terrible and degrading, and the level of panic I feel keeps steadily rising.
I haven't felt joy in years and I'm becoming increasingly desperate.
The physical pain I'm in is becoming unbearable and I feel like I'm getting sick from the constant, relentless stress.
I just need to feel peace, I feel this need deep in my soul, deep down in my bones.

I grew up with a chronically ill Mother so i learned to fear illness. I learned to be quite independent from a young age.
Now I don't have any agency over my own life, am in constant, dreadful pain, and it terrifies me.

The best option I have for CTB is the train that runs near my house, however I really, really don't want to traumatise the driver with my death. I'm also worried that I might flinch and stand up mid way through, botching it and injuring myself horribly.
That leaves me with hanging, but I'm terrified of choking and struggling through my final breaths. I just want something that kills more rapidly.
So I find myself at a quandry...

I keep thinking that this can't be real, that somehow something will save me from this nightmare. But as time goes by it's becoming increasingly clear that I'm going to have to end this. It's become a moment-by-moment struggle. I wish there were other options.
If only there were SOME relief for even a minute each day this would be manageable until I can secure better means, but now it's just untenable. It's a horrible feeling knowing that absolutely nothing can save me and I can't even DIE nicely.

Sorry for venting, I've just got nobody to talk to and am being pushed further and further towards death.
I'm panicking as I'm hitting a point of utter hopelessness where I feel forced to CTB by hanging, unless I can assuage feelings of guilt for the driver.

Is there anything I can do to make this easier? Perhaps I should get really drunk?
Any suggestions for good medicine to assist in my final Act? I've tried hanging before but kept aborting before unconsciousness due to the horrible sensations of suffocating.

This world sucks. A bullet through the skull and I'd be long gone. I'm going to do it anyway, I haven't got any other options, the pain is never going away; what's the point in making me suffer more?

I wish there was somebody here I could go with. We could attach a string to two shotguns and pull both triggers at once.

Again, sorry for rambling, I'm just becoming increasingly panicked and desperate.

Much love.

 

[The_Dreamer]

Don't apologize for venting! You and I seem to be on similar paths. I mean, damn, a lot of your words felt like I had typed them.

That feeling of not wanting to traumatize others, yup I got that big time too friend. This world DOES suck, and we are caught in this never ending loop. But one thing I remind myself to try and cope with that is that the loop isn't TRULY never ending. Everyone CTB's in the end, whether by their own hand or not. Little solace, I know, but... The best we got.

Every night I lay my head down, I think to myself as I drift off to sleep, "THIS is what dying should feel like. A peaceful and painless drifting into the blissful night"

I own a handgun and it seems like the simplest way for me to CTB, literally just pushing a proverbial button. But it doesn't mean shit because our SI gets the best of us over and over and over. It's just SO brutal and violent, and my brain says over and over "but what if some freak accident happens and the bullet doesn't go where you want!? And you just suffer MORE pain!?" Just my SI trying to fuck with me.

I fantasize about finding someone to CTB with, but moreso finding someone far more equipped to CTB than me and able to just... Do it for me, I guess? Just another fantasy though. A fantasy that someone exists that could ease my pain for me. We are not so lucky.

I'm sorry you're trapped in this vicious cycle. Sorry you have that poison swirling in your mind endlessly strangling you and dragging you down. I have it too, you aren't alone.
This is the Hell we've found ourselves in.

I wish I could help you, friend, I truly do. Get some rest.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

what train is it?

There are passenger ones during the day but it's night time now so there's freight trains running. Better a freighter than passenger to minimize trauma I reckon.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

Don't apologize for venting! You and I seem to be on similar paths. I mean, damn, a lot of your words felt like I had typed them.

That feeling of not wanting to traumatize others, yup I got that big time too friend. This world DOES suck, and we are caught in this never ending loop. But one thing I remind myself to try and cope with that is that the loop isn't TRULY never ending. Everyone CTB's in the end, whether by their own hand or not. Little solace, I know, but... The best we got.

Every night I lay my head down, I think to myself as I drift off to sleep, "THIS is what dying should feel like. A peaceful and painless drifting into the blissful night"

I own a handgun and it seems like the simplest way for me to CTB, literally just pushing a proverbial button. But it doesn't mean shit because our SI gets the best of us over and over and over. It's just SO brutal and violent, and my brain says over and over "but what if some freak accident happens and the bullet doesn't go where you want!? And you just suffer MORE pain!?" Just my SI trying to fuck with me.

I fantasize about finding someone to CTB with, but moreso finding someone far more equipped to CTB than me and able to just... Do it for me, I guess? Just another fantasy though. A fantasy that someone exists that could ease my pain for me. We are not so lucky.

I'm sorry you're trapped in this vicious cycle. Sorry you have that poison swirling in your mind endlessly strangling you and dragging you down. I have it too, you aren't alone.
This is the Hell we've found ourselves in.

I wish I could help you, friend, I truly do. Get some rest.

A shotgun would be far better I reckon- ain't nobody coming back from that once the trigger is pulled!

I'd do it tonight if I had a gun. Dying like this is like being slowly crucified.

Agree with the sleep thing! Dying in one's sleep would be just fantastic.
I awaken with panic each day as I realise the loop is about to repeat itself again for another nauseating 14 hours.

If I had a shotgun and were there, with your permission, I'd do it whilst you weren't looking then pop myself. I'd consider myself an angel, like Jack Kevorkian. Euthanasia is not murder.

Thanks for responding. It's good to be heard.

 

[bettyboop40]

Please don't do the train, think of the driver who will be traumatised.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

Please don't do the train, think of the driver who will be traumatised.

As someone with PTSD myself I really don't want to either.
I just really, really hate hanging, and I don't have anything else.

Don't apologize for venting! You and I seem to be on similar paths. I mean, damn, a lot of your words felt like I had typed them.

That feeling of not wanting to traumatize others, yup I got that big time too friend. This world DOES suck, and we are caught in this never ending loop. But one thing I remind myself to try and cope with that is that the loop isn't TRULY never ending. Everyone CTB's in the end, whether by their own hand or not. Little solace, I know, but... The best we got.

Every night I lay my head down, I think to myself as I drift off to sleep, "THIS is what dying should feel like. A peaceful and painless drifting into the blissful night"

I own a handgun and it seems like the simplest way for me to CTB, literally just pushing a proverbial button. But it doesn't mean shit because our SI gets the best of us over and over and over. It's just SO brutal and violent, and my brain says over and over "but what if some freak accident happens and the bullet doesn't go where you want!? And you just suffer MORE pain!?" Just my SI trying to fuck with me.

I fantasize about finding someone to CTB with, but moreso finding someone far more equipped to CTB than me and able to just... Do it for me, I guess? Just another fantasy though. A fantasy that someone exists that could ease my pain for me. We are not so lucky.

I'm sorry you're trapped in this vicious cycle. Sorry you have that poison swirling in your mind endlessly strangling you and dragging you down. I have it too, you aren't alone.
This is the Hell we've found ourselves in.

I wish I could help you, friend, I truly do. Get some rest.

I'd probably take an overdose, wait a short time then shoot myself with the handgun. Just chance it, ya know?

 

[FuneralCry]

We all deserve a peaceful exit at a time of our own choosing, of course it is cruel how the society denies us this. None of us should have to resort to methods like the train in the first place. Being alive is very horrible, no one should have to suffer like that. It is awful when things keep on getting worse and I understand it is hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore. Whatever happens, I hope you find the peace you are looking for. I wish you the best.

 

[charcoalcat]

I can relate to you op. For the past year my incurable illness is bringing me pain every minute of the day while sucking at my soul bit by bit till now I look like a walking dead. Everyday I think about the phrase "some lives are not worth living".

If train is something you're willing to considering but worries about the mess to others, jumping may be the best. My pain and depression is reaching my breaking point soon and once it does I'm gonna do it. It's the most common method where I'm staying, because it's quick, reliable and doesn't cost any money. You just have to find the conviction & impulse to push through the last second SI.

Ctb has been on my mind for some time & I don't know how I managed to pull through the past year while suffering like I did but I believe the biggest factor I'm still around is procrastination. It's our nature and we can't change it. I too have a fantasy that's there's someone like Michelle Carter to push me through it. But we aren't that lucky to begin with, are we?

I sincerely hope things change for the better for you, I know it won't for me. And if it's the same for you, I hope you find the courage to overcome your fears and find that eternal peace and serenity that people like us yearns for.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

I can relate to you op. For the past year my incurable illness is bringing me pain every minute of the day while sucking at my soul bit by bit till now I look like a walking dead. Everyday I think about the phrase "some lives are not worth living".

If train is something you're willing to considering but worries about the mess to others, jumping may be the best. My pain and depression is reaching my breaking point soon and once it does I'm gonna do it. It's the most common method where I'm staying, because it's quick, reliable and doesn't cost any money. You just have to find the conviction & impulse to push through the last second SI.

Ctb has been on my mind for some time & I don't know how I managed to pull through the past year while suffering like I did but I believe the biggest factor I'm still around is procrastination. It's our nature and we can't change it. I too have a fantasy that's there's someone like Michelle Carter to push me through it. But we aren't that lucky to begin with, are we?

I sincerely hope things change for the better for you, I know it won't for me. And if it's the same for you, I hope you find the courage to overcome your fears and find that eternal peace and serenity that people like us yearns for.

Thank you; your sentiment is acknowleged and appreciated.
I suppose Jumping is an option, I just don't know where I could do it locally where there wouldn't be a risk of me crushing some poor unsuspecting bystander; the only accessible places would be hotel rooms, and jumping from a hotel window would certainly come with a risk of hurting others.

I am living with chronic pain, however there is still a method I can try in an attempt to alleviate it somewhat, although I'll always have at least some pain from it.
I also have severe mental illness, and I mean severe!
So perhaps there's a chance of recovery, but this certainly remains to be seen... even if the procedure I am to undergo goes extremely well and therefore helps my pain significantly, I have no idea how to cure the horrendous mental illness I have.
I could try antidepressants, but I want to be cured, not just trade symptoms. Also I've seen what they've done to friends of mine, and let's just say I'm not a fan at this stage; my Mum has severe diabetes and as a child I witnessed her toe dying on her body as well as her jabbing herself with needles, getting dizzy and fainting from uncontrolled blood sugar levels. Suffice to say I do not want to live through the same.

If I can't restore my life to a point where I'm not dependent on harsh medicines with gnarly side effects to merely survive, then I'm content with ending it. Just gotta secure good means then go for it.

Might I ask what illness you suffer from?

I also hope you find your peace. Thank you for your time and effort. Bless you.

 

[Dot]

Depndng on wht caus pain cld try Mickel Therapy or Somatc Experncng. Wrth a Googl.

Othrwse thre r dffrnt mthds in lnk b-lw
Post in thread ''Suicide information compilation' Has it been removed?' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...lation-has-it-been-removed.79656/post-1424367

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

Depndng on wht caus pain cld try Mickel Therapy or Somatc Experncng. Wrth a Googl.

Othrwse thre r dffrnt mthds in lnk b-lw
Post in thread ''Suicide information compilation' Has it been removed?' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...lation-has-it-been-removed.79656/post-1424367

Thank you, Dot. Bless your heart.
I haven't heard of these but I'll check them out.
Hope you're having as good a Christmas as possible...

We all deserve a peaceful exit at a time of our own choosing, of course it is cruel how the society denies us this. None of us should have to resort to methods like the train in the first place. Being alive is very horrible, no one should have to suffer like that. It is awful when things keep on getting worse and I understand it is hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore. Whatever happens, I hope you find the peace you are looking for. I wish you the best.

It's so ridiculous isn't it:
Option A:
• Chronically suicidal person dies a peaceful, humane death, perhaps even surrounded by loving friends and family.

Option B:
• Chronically suicidal person dies in fear and despair, using an undesired method, all alone under a train.
• Chronically suicidal person may not die, but rather be horrifically mangled instead, a potential outcome which brings then great fear.
• Chronically suicidal person may die, but suffer needlessly in final moments.
• Train driver, onlookers and emergency services are traumatised, friends and family are traumatised.
• Cleanup must be performed on train and surrounding area.
• Funeral is closed rather than open casket.