Ten Days

[Flying Away]

Failed three times this year alone. At the moment for the first time the calmness and clarity I usual have are confused. On the one hand there appears to be hope but every word I hear brings doubt whether imagined or real its there. At present there is one last hope but I fear it can vanish at any minute. The next ten days it could all come crashing down. In my mind I feel there can only be failure. I want to be happy and live a normal life but a life of self doubt and repression leaves me in permanent state of doom. I can only see the inevitable end. Been given a chance but know at any time in the next ten days it could be taken away. I have the ingredients to die but so want a reason to live. In the next ten days one person could give me that but I always doubt. One way or another 58 years of pain will end in the next ten days. In my mind I'm certain it will be CTB and not happiness and recovery. What I want does not count. One person holds my fate in their hands. I don't hold much hope.

 

[it.only.gets.worse]

wishing you the best bro. whatever happens, know that you are the one who has control ultimately.

 

[Flying Away]

wishing you the best bro. whatever happens, know that you are the one who has control ultimately.

No I don't.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I feel the same way. I have just one chance to make it, and it's all up to one person. With one action of his, the course of my life could change remarkably. But it's not likely too. I plan to give it until July/August, but definitely no later than November.

But reading about all your failed attempts has me worrying about failure. I've tried twice before, but couldn't complete the act. When I decide to go, I can't afford to fail.

 

[Flying Away]

You just need seclusion. I have failed because I was found. I feel the only way I can make the people I love happy is to CTB
Feels odd the more I realise my hope will be dashed, the more I begin to feel calm again. If things had been different maybe I could've been happy. Instead I know the ten days will pass without progress. Starting to plan to go on Monday.

 

[Flying Away]

I feel the same way. I have just one chance to make it, and it's all up to one person. With one action of his, the course of my life could change remarkably. But it's not likely too. I plan to give it until July/August, but definitely no later than November.

But reading about all your failed attempts has me worrying about failure. I've tried twice before, but couldn't complete the act. When I decide to go, I can't afford to fail.

Make a plan and rework it until you are sure method is full proof. Best advice is seclusion. I failed because I was found.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living really is so painful and unfair and it is sad how so much suffering exists. I can imagine that it must have been so awful to have been through those failed attempts. I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you and I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Make a plan and rework it until you are sure method is full proof. Best advice is seclusion. I failed because I was found.

I won't be found. I'll make sure of that.