Venting Telling the chaos of my life.

[dying_kwik2000]

When I was 14, I was dragged out of the high school I loved and into one I hated in a city I hated. My father started acting more angrily, aggressively and violently throughout my teens, where one time he threw our bags out of the car when my sister had a panic attack and eventually locked us out ( I thought we were outside because we were trying to keep our distance from him by year later it was confirmed by my sister's he locked us out). My mother had a miscarriage when I was 12 but I only found out when I was 20. She was so heartbroken from the grief of my father saying the baby boy wasn't his that she miscarried. My father would get so angry that he threw a tray at my sister and pushed her into the wall. My twin sister had a panic attack and locked herself in the bathroom and my dad threatened to break down the door. When I was 13, we had these dogs that we going into heat and we're constantly fighting and my mom and dad did nothing. The stress of that partly made me become a pescatarian because I stupidly thought that not eating meat would solve the problem. My sister had a cutting problem and my mother did nothing about it until my sister tried to kill herself on the school yard. We were then both taken to a psych hospital. When I was 13, my mom was complaining that our dad didn't take us to eat when he took us to this safari place and my dad got so angry that he reversed the car into the gate and the bricks just crumbled. My dad would get so fucking angry sometimes and do nothing. The cherry on the fucking cake was when I was 17 and hit my dad on the head with a tennis racket and got so angry that I paced to the kitchen to get a knife to stab him. I was so blinded by anger the fine I didn't realize what happened, I would of seriously injured him.

Since then, i have been dealing with anger problems and explosive reactions and my enabling mother is saying that I'm becoming like my father. I panic a lot too.

When I was in college for musical theatre, I would get these emotional flashbacks. I struggled so much to remember the simplest of choreography because my mind would blank out. I would get panic attacks and I would cry a lot. I started cutting myself to deal with feelings of shame and I would get into fights where I would overreact when people would provoke me. I even remember having the most terrible fights with my twin sister and I would tell her how I felt like i was living in a pressure cooker.

There's more but that's my two cents for now.