Help Telling my therapist?

[OneFinalAction]

Sorry if I fucked up any of the spelling, I'm an ESL and barely interact online

I've been suicidal for more than half a decade now and I've came to terms that there's a big chance that I'll CTB sooner than later, most likely around August. I haven't really thought about telling my therapist because I know that another mental hospital visit will damage my parents even more, but it's been getting so bad in the last few weeks at a point where suicide is taking up half of my brain power and all I can think about is how will I act on it. In the current situation that I'm in, I started imagining another mental hospital visit as a glimmer of hope, maybe that could break my isolation? Maybe they'll work on my medication some more?

It seems like a positive thing so far but the problem is that I won't be able to mark up my suicide as an accident anymore so if I don't get any better and it all goes back to being the same life that I had before, If I kill myself there are absolutely no "what if"s, just a clear suicide and that's it.

Now the second thing, there are 2 main mental hospitals around my area. I'll name them 1 and 2.

• 1 is where functional people go, they're usually in there for suicide, self harm etc., they're relatively normal people that you can talk to, the nurses are fairly nice, they let you out for a walk 3 times a day and they also let you smoke which is a really important thing for me.
• Now for 2, at least from what I've heard, it's an absolute fucking hellhole. The people who are in there are usually in there for really heavy stuff such as contemplating murder, violent schizophrenics and so on, they basically numb you down with medicine and it's very poorly maintained.

I've had a pretty bad encounter with the doctor that I was assigned to the last time I went and she basically just said "if you come again, you don't, fuck off back to 2" before I left. This is mainly the reason why I'm hesitant, loneliness and complete isolation is one of the reasons to why I'll CTB, sending me in with eerie people isn't going to do any good, maybe it'll even do worse. I'm just praying that she forgot about me or that she said that out of madness and didn't really mean it.

 

[let.me.let.go87]

The question I have for you is how badly do you want help? If you tell your therapist what you just put here there is a good chance you could be put into a psychiatric hospital for evaluation. And that is no fun. No matter where you are. But it could also help. Tho most of us have had bad experiences in them. That's just me being honest and not "beating around the bush" I don't want to pretend with you that those places often times are helpful. They usually are traumatizing. If your therapist would be more willing to try to treat the problem on an outpatient basis then I would say go for it. I don't want you to sign up for something traumatic that you don't fully understand the magnitude of.But I do think from what I have read your death would affect your parents much worse than a mental hospital visit would, sweetheart. So you do whatever you have to do.