telling my therapist - the “life vs death” battle continues

[dinosavr]

I still can't make up my mind between the will to fight for life + believing that I might be wrong about everything AND being so fucking sure that life makes no sense and that it's always a good choice to ctb.

I hate this constant fight in my life, it just prolongs my suffering. And that's why I'm planning to tell everything (well, not about details like SaSu or SN) my therapist.

I think it will allow me to find a better solution, based on her reaction. If she's going to try and understand me or if she's going to try to talk me out of it.

And that being my gentle vent, I'd like to ask you about your experiences on telling people (not just therapists) about what's going in your minds regarding ctb.
Did they manage to help you? How?

 

[Juli]

That sounds quite exhausting, as well as conflicting. Obviously, as your therapist, she's going to steer you in the direction of living. However, I'm sure she'll give you the opportunity to discuss your thoughts on both options. Maybe that will assist you in forming a decision. Anyway, I respect your bravery. I could never open up to anyone, let alone a therapist, about this. I wish you the best!

 

[dinosavr]

That sounds quite exhausting, as well as conflicting. Obviously, as your therapist, she's going to steer you in the direction of living. However, I'm sure she'll give you the opportunity to discuss your thoughts on both options. Maybe that will assist you in forming a decision. Anyway, I respect your bravery. I could never open up to anyone, let alone a therapist, about this. I wish you the best!

Thank you!!
Unfortunately of course I expected she would steer me in the direction of living, well, that's her job and actually a legal obligation after I told her so it would be super weird if she told me "you go girl! just do it! you don't have to wake up tomorrow"…

We didn't manage to get to the tea in one session so we'll continue next week but for now it feels like a bit of a relief knowing that someone knows and even if it may not be the direction I'd prefer, at least for a moment I'm not alone with those thoughts. And that helps a little.

And I'm glad she didn't come up with the idea of putting me in psych ward or anything. That would ruin everything. She just made me promise I'm not going to do anything until our next session (btw I'm wondering why on earth would it matter. If I do anything there's no way she can punish me lol)

 

[Andrews]

I remember at work some colleagues did open up and eventually everyone in the department knew about it. Some people were compassionate towards them (probably the ones who knew depression before), others looked at them as if they're sick/carrying a contagious disease lol.
Probably is good to only open up to close friends and good therapists. You might get good advice and if not, then the simple fact of venting in real life helps.

When it haunted me in the past, I never had the courage to talk face to face about it. It felt like taboo. Eventually realized psychologists deal with people like me regularly...
At that time therapy would have helped, it would have saved me from years of depression and I regret not going.

 

[Juli]

Thank you!!
Unfortunately of course I expected she would steer me in the direction of living, well, that's her job and actually a legal obligation after I told her so it would be super weird if she told me "you go girl! just do it! you don't have to wake up tomorrow"…

We didn't manage to get to the tea in one session so we'll continue next week but for now it feels like a bit of a relief knowing that someone knows and even if it may not be the direction I'd prefer, at least for a moment I'm not alone with those thoughts. And that helps a little.

And I'm glad she didn't come up with the idea of putting me in psych ward or anything. That would ruin everything. She just made me promise I'm not going to do anything until our next session (btw I'm wondering why on earth would it matter. If I do anything there's no way she can punish me lol)

All good! I'm proud of you for telling her. Yeah, it must feel like a relief to have that out in the open. I'm a psych student, and I've been taught that there are some instances where you aren't required to break confidentiality if a client mentions suicidal thoughts. So, as long as you aren't in immediate danger or have a plan, you should be safe from the psych ward, lol. A safety agreement would've helped her to ensure this.

 

[Kit1]

Well Done for telling the therapist and hopefully the therapist will be able to work with you on this.

People outside of a therapy session - I remember someone finding out I was considered to be at risk of suicide and told me that I should be ashamed for not thinking about my children and prayer would set me free! I told her exactly what I thought of her comments and never talked about my feelings outside ofnthe therapy sessions (which have ended prematurely).

As long as you have a supportive therapist and you are not considered to be actively suicidal, the chances of being sectioned are low - in the UK anyway. I was asked today about suicide plan and I refused to comment.., So choice of words and how much to share might be issues you might want to consider with the professionals.

 

[dinosavr]

Well Done for telling the therapist and hopefully the therapist will be able to work with you on this.

People outside of a therapy session - I remember someone finding out I was considered to be at risk of suicide and told me that I should be ashamed for not thinking about my children and prayer would set me free! I told her exactly what I thought of her comments and never talked about my feelings outside ofnthe therapy sessions (which have ended prematurely).

As long as you have a supportive therapist and you are not considered to be actively suicidal, the chances of being sectioned are low - in the UK anyway. I was asked today about suicide plan and I refused to comment.., So choice of words and how much to share might be issues you might want to consider with the professionals.

Thank you :)
I'm not sure what's her reaction going to be exactly. So far we've briefly discussed my history of suicidal thoughts and how it developed through time. I'm still a little anxious that what I'll say about current situation will be too much in her opinion.
I'll definitely try to be careful about what I say. For now I'm sure that she gets it that it's a really difficult topic so I have to let myself skip some facts. I guess the main goal is not letting her know SaSu and SN exist. These are too much of the details. And also, saying what I think and promising it's all gone for now even though it's not.