lostbattle
last ditch effort
- Oct 28, 2023
- 7
I think I'm gonna tell my parents today that I plan on ctbing soon. I am almost 20 (birthday in December) and I have been suicidal ever since I was around 12. Thing is, idrk how to go about it. I have a pretty good life, ngl, I was born in a third world country, now I live in a first world country, I really like it here (there are flaws, but better than before for sure), my father pays for everything for me, so I don't have any financial worries, I know a lot of people here (not many close friends in my town, tho), I study in my dream University, and I prettty much have everything someone would need to have a happy and successful life.
But I hate myself lol. I am trans (female to male), I am out to a few people (they mostly figured it out on their own tbh), I am weird and I don't really know why, I just don't connect to people right, and I feel like I experience some things differently to everybody else, idk how to explain, but a lot of people call me weird/peculiar (or any variation of what would mean weird, but in a positive way). I feel like a lot of these things could be improved if I were able to start Testosterone (hrt) because I think I dissociate a lot rn, which makes it hard for me to connect and stuff. Idk, I feel as if I were a ghost that accidentaly possessed the wrong body and now I can't get out.
The only reason why I haven't started hrt is because my father is threatning to (in his exact words) sabotage me, cut me out, boycot me, and some other stuff. I would be really fucked if he were to cut me out because I am financially dependent on him and I can't really get a job, my degree is full time. I am looking into loans, but idk, I am tired, I don't really feel like trying anymore. I kinda still really want them in my life, but I also think I subcounciously want revenge due to all the fucked up shit they put me through, they love me a lot so I know they would be extremelly upset. I literally have Testosterone in my closet, I could start it at any time, but my parents are stopping me. So, indirectly they are making me suicidal.
Anyway, I don't really want to blame them for all my problems, for two main reasons, it's not totally their fault, I get that they worry about me, and maybe I could have done some things differently, and I still wanna give them another chance. So today, I will try to share with them all of these feelings, while trying not to directly blame them. I don't really have a speech prepared tbh I think I am just gonna wing it. Worst case senario, they just laugh at me and brush things off (so, whatever, you know, they will be basically giving me their blessings to ctb), and best case senario, they decide not to cut me out when I start hrt.
I don't really think anybody will care enough to ready this huge ass text, but I'll update in the chat after I talk to them (it will take a while, I'll probably only talk to them at night and right now it is only almost 2am, so I guess I'll let y'all know how it went in about 20hs)
Btw, sorry for the shitty english, it is not my first language :P
Edit: I also feel kinda guilty for feeling like this because I know my parents really care about me, and everybody makes mistakes ig, they also seem kinda remorseful about some stuff they did in the past, I just don't really know how I should feel tbh, I think I am just a piece of shit
But I hate myself lol. I am trans (female to male), I am out to a few people (they mostly figured it out on their own tbh), I am weird and I don't really know why, I just don't connect to people right, and I feel like I experience some things differently to everybody else, idk how to explain, but a lot of people call me weird/peculiar (or any variation of what would mean weird, but in a positive way). I feel like a lot of these things could be improved if I were able to start Testosterone (hrt) because I think I dissociate a lot rn, which makes it hard for me to connect and stuff. Idk, I feel as if I were a ghost that accidentaly possessed the wrong body and now I can't get out.
The only reason why I haven't started hrt is because my father is threatning to (in his exact words) sabotage me, cut me out, boycot me, and some other stuff. I would be really fucked if he were to cut me out because I am financially dependent on him and I can't really get a job, my degree is full time. I am looking into loans, but idk, I am tired, I don't really feel like trying anymore. I kinda still really want them in my life, but I also think I subcounciously want revenge due to all the fucked up shit they put me through, they love me a lot so I know they would be extremelly upset. I literally have Testosterone in my closet, I could start it at any time, but my parents are stopping me. So, indirectly they are making me suicidal.
Anyway, I don't really want to blame them for all my problems, for two main reasons, it's not totally their fault, I get that they worry about me, and maybe I could have done some things differently, and I still wanna give them another chance. So today, I will try to share with them all of these feelings, while trying not to directly blame them. I don't really have a speech prepared tbh I think I am just gonna wing it. Worst case senario, they just laugh at me and brush things off (so, whatever, you know, they will be basically giving me their blessings to ctb), and best case senario, they decide not to cut me out when I start hrt.
I don't really think anybody will care enough to ready this huge ass text, but I'll update in the chat after I talk to them (it will take a while, I'll probably only talk to them at night and right now it is only almost 2am, so I guess I'll let y'all know how it went in about 20hs)
Btw, sorry for the shitty english, it is not my first language :P
Edit: I also feel kinda guilty for feeling like this because I know my parents really care about me, and everybody makes mistakes ig, they also seem kinda remorseful about some stuff they did in the past, I just don't really know how I should feel tbh, I think I am just a piece of shit
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