Discussion Tell me your story.

[Passenger4224]

Throughout my short time on this forum I have read many threads and have found myself really interested in reading posts from other users. There are so many people here for all different reasons. I wanted to make a thread for users to tell their stories. Who are you, why are you here on this forum? Share as little or as much as you want!

 

[peacebenow]

I would need to write a few memoirs to accomplish that.

 

[StupiderJuniper]

to keep it short, i'm a uni student who has the misfortune of being trans in a religious family. was raised in a shitty and abusive religious environment, parents were cruel and neurotic. I was pretty much brainwashed through most of my childhood and only really cared about getting good grades. some people outside my family also abused me in several ways which i'd rather not describe. I eventually managed to survive and get into uni, life got a bit better and i was able to temporarily come out to some new friends before my family found out. It was alllll shut down and i had to get the fuck out of my house or risk being abducted to another country or some intense abuse. they've been harassing with phone calls and trying to physically stalk me ever since. I've failed to secure a job through all this so my housing situation is uncertain, and I'm not sure if I even want to continue atp anyway, hence why i'm here lol. but i guess im also here because no other place talks about the topic of death like this, i have a feeling most of us are able to understand each other when most people can't. i also can't really talk about the things i think here to others without being sent into a psych ward, so yeah lmao.

 

[Isolatedloner]

Borderline personality disorder where suicide is all I think of. I know I'm more than that diagnosis but I still struggle with life. Not suicidal right now but it will comeback at times. Getting help right now.

 

[cigaretteinthesnow]

my parents were extremely neglectful of my mental health growing up, probably because in their culture, mental health isn't important at all (they're immigrants). i'm sure they loved me nd all but when i expressed suicidal ideation at around 8 years old, they threatened to send me to a ward. i was extremely direct with my wording when i confided in my sister. she told my parents that i "wanted to kill myself", verbatim, and yeah, they reacted with - sympathy. never confided in anyone but the internet again. i was also autistic (diagnosed) but my parents were in denial of that. they hated how unsociable i was and how i had constant meltdowns.
anyway, i had no real life friends. just people on the internet to get groomed by or into things. i've seen and heard everything there is to see now, and i wouldn't say i'm exactly "traumatised" because none of it has ever haunted me. i dropped out of school at 13 because of severe verbal/physical/cyberbullying. moved in with some guy at 14 and he was physically abusive to me, not that my parents cared anyway.
i was suicidal my entire life and have attempted + failed multiple times. i had od'd once and if my mother hadn't woken me up, i wouldn't be here anymore. funnily enough, that od was a complete accident, but i know i would've been okay with dying anyway.
fast forward to 19, i still have no "real" friends but the internet, which is what brought me to SaSu. also, i was an alcoholic and addict which fucked up my memory so badly, i can't even remember if i brushed my teeth or not this morning and i cannot tell last week apart from last year. never gotten this checked out but i would like to. i also cannot detail my childhood well because of this.
i will probably ctb by the end of this year. i've planned to for long enough, it's time to actually take action.

 

[Pluto]

 

[negi-maguro]

I'm just a regular guy, squarer than most. I feel invisible and often rejected (Just got rejected by Australian Award Scholarship). While I do have friends, I really could not maintain a good friendship and interactions so I often end up alone. Not even my parents support what I'm interested in. I see no future for myself and been hurting a long time, but I keep delaying ctb so here I am wanting to be pitied.

 

[Tomorrow Is Today]

I'm from an immigrant family living in Singapore. Growing up I made it a point to really assimilate into the culture, which I suspect had some negative effects on my personal identity and self-esteem. I was quite a meek child, no aspirations of my own. I just followed what was conventionally seen as good life paths in the country — studying to reach the premier local university, getting into 'well-regarded' profession like medicine etc.

Life was quite cut out for me and I was blessed with various privileges. I got used to following what I called the 'life blueprint' and was satisfied with just that. It was only last year when I started thinking more about life and its purpose due to academic struggles, a bad breakup and probably an existential crisis. I struggled a lot with the idea that meaning is arbitrary, and couldn't reconcile that there isn't really and overarching point to all of this.

I couldn't really come up with an answer on why I should continue to live, and I let my situation spiral quite badly to the point where I had to drop out of university, forgo most of the hobbies I had, along with my extracurriculars. Eventually it culminated in 2 hospitalisations within 2 months due to attempted suicide.

It's been about half a year since I last got discharged, and I've been a NEET the entire time. I think about the life I led before everything and I can't comprehend myself going back to continue something so performative and pointless. I feel some sort of impostor syndrome as well, as I don't have the traumas or horrible experiences others may have went through that made them suicidal.

Nowadays I just accept that eventually through my inaction, my life is progressively going to get worse, and if I don't CTB soon it will only get worse for me.

Sorry if this was quite long winded haha, just typing out my thoughts here.

 

[no.surprises]

poc lesbian in the USA (hell), starting university this fall. best girlfriend ever that i dont deserve, loving friends, but an abusive mother. struggling with terrible depression and anxiety for years. was pushed to the edge a few months ago, ive been on here finalizing my plan and notes ever since. my gf deals with my breakdowns with incredible patience. shes the only thing keeping me here. i hope to ctb this summer, but its complicated. somehow, the thought of leaving her behind is worse than living every day in mental and physical pain. nothing seems worth it, but we push on.

 

[Vera1997]

Not much to say tbh. Trans woman who transitioned late. Spent more than 2 decades trying to figure out whats wrong with me, and dissociating as a coping mechanism. Since then I realized I was trans and went on HRT, but my life didnt really get better, it just made me realize how truly hopeless my situation is.

I am stuck with no hope of becoming happy with my body, or passing as a woman. On top of that my family is deeply transphobic (3rd world country muslims)

And yet I cannot go back to living as a man either (I tried to do that for 28 years, and it left me depressed and suicidal).

Do I am here because I am stuck with CTB as my only choice

 

[whocaresabouttrans]

Transitioned at 18, 5 years later still ugly, overweight, poor, shitty job + 25k in debt, depression autism OCD BPD (all diagnosed) haven't enjoyed anything consistently in my life in around 3 years, multiple attempts over the years, came here to just discuss what I've been thinking about since I was 16 (ctb). Currently saving money for recommended shotgun off firearms thread so I can ctb

 

[passthisnote]

i have a fear of the future and would rather ctb than live through it

 

[Anxious Kitty]

I really shouldn't be like this: my family is okay, I haven't had any childhood trauma and I'm doing well academically, but despite this I just don't have the energy to go on.
I have no friends I see regularly, and I've never been in a relationship. It's a lonely existence.
I'm trans mtf but repressing it because it wouldn't be compatible with my lifestyle and it's too late anyway so I'd never be happy with myself (I'd be super clockable due to my size alone, let alone other features – and I'd rather be dead than a "hon"). I regret letting my body get mutilated in my teens but I was an idiot that didn't take the thoughts of "I'd rather be a girl" seriously. I didn't know how bad it'd get, I was oblivious. I'm just tired of going to sleep every night wishing I wouldn't wake up the next morning. Therapy doesn't help and neither do antidepressants.
I've lurked this site years ago, back when SN was easily accessible, now it's hard to even acquire that. So I don't even have a convenient way out...

 

[[gbd8]]

I was born in North America and I'm 22 years old. Explaining how I got here is difficult. I grew up with white middle class privilege and never experienced anything outstandingly traumatic, but around 12 years old I started to burn out. I started having my first depressive episodes.

The interesting thing to me about my first episodes was how abruptly they ended. My strongest memory during this time was waking up one morning (not being able to remember the day before) and feeling before my eyes had even opened that I was no longer depressed. I learned from a recorded lecture that major depression is experienced in about 5-6 episodes before the condition will become chronic (defined as a >~2 week episode). I had my 5-6 episodes during this time.

I guess all the sleep deprivation and all the homework and all the stress of school and all the stress at home was just enough to push my psyche into these episodes. I was always dealing with depression but I think my freshman year was fine, I can't really remember it. I think my sophomore year sucked. I can't really remember it. Covid happened during my junior year. I spent the whole year in my room. I can't remember it at all. My senior year really sucked. Likely at this point, the inconsistent behavior of my parents had developed the anxious attachment style that will help explain what happened near the end of my senior year.

I reintegrated with a split of an old friend group. It was wonderful and I got along with everyone really well! it was the best time in my life!The friends I made in this group had pulled me out of depression for the first time in years. Unfortunately I had a romantic attraction to one of the women in the group. The feelings were mutual and we even dated! She started seeing straight after a couple of weeks and broke things off. I was devastated. within a couple of months I had stopped talking to everyone in the friend group. Anxious attachment is the best explanation for why I acted like this. I felt like such a failure, I felt so worthless, I hated myself, I wanted to die. I lashed out and projected my insecureites on her. I hate that I did this.

While I was submerging into the worst state of depression experienced at that point, I graduated high school and my parents began to pressure me to work. I did not want to work. I did not even want to be alive. My parents made me feel so deeply ashamed during this time that I even stopped talking to my online friends. It was too scary and I was too ashamed to speak aloud if they were in the house. somewhere inbetween all this I made my first sincere attempt at suicide. My dads bloated gun safe meant he left one of his shotguns out in the open. I bought some shells and tried to pull the trigger. It was too difficult, the same problem I'm dealing with today.

Eventually I started to work. I cried on my drive to work, dissociated for the shift, then cried on my way home. Eventually I started getting fired. Fired and fired. I guess my parents got the message and left me to rot away in my room. This is where I've been for the last 4 years, developing anxiety on top of my depression and a really nasty case of C-PTSD. She is still all I think about. It's so so so embarrasing to admit but she's probably gonna be the reason I CTB. All my friends from highschool have scattered into the wind and my mind still orbits around my romantic trauma. God willing I will put a 9 millimeter hole in my brainstem and leave this mess behind.

 

[never mind me]

I think I originally joined the site, because I was really overwhelmed by my work and was scared to make mistakes that could have had serious consequences (I had a job that came with a lot of responsibility for my clients' wellbeing), which in turn caused me to feel quite desperate. Luckily I managed to somehow deal with the situation and therefore move on with life.
Currently I am considering ctb again, because I had the bad luck of getting acute laryngitis that eventually became chronic, because I drank alcohol too early after (incomplete) healing and apparently also have reflux. And after weeks and weeks of not speaking at all or limited talking, taking medication against reflux, being careful with what I eat and trying to avoid everything else that could make the laryngitis worse there seems to be no real improvement. And all these things I need to avoid cause me to have nothing left I can enjoy. At this point I can't even concentrate on reading or computer games any more, because my sleep also got really bad since being sick, so I am often falling asleep for some seconds when trying to read or I can't even motivate myself for anything at all and just wait for the day to somehow pass, doing nothing.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

I suppose I can start with: I have a past life that I miss intensely; it was cut short, suddenly, and it was not finished. I am pained by it often. I long for the past and the people and places of my prior. But here I am, here and now, in this life.

To be frank? Abuse – financial, physical, emotional, sexual – as well as difficult circumstances in between those.
I am a former model, I am quite smart, I am an heiress.
I have a picture-perfect outside life. I like who I am. I in theory want for nothing.
I nonetheless agonize.
(It's almost agony too having to play the part of pretty princess when you are really a damsel in distress. "Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know," like Elsa.)

I was groomed twice, I was assaulted, I was manipulated and unwilling but did what I was made to do, and that's on men not my dad. (But hey, daddy issues!)
I was caught in the strings of some ugly webs of people and situations that I was only a kid in. I don't want to get into that, but think family drama, and then some. The Young and the Restless levels of such.
I have some mental issues that I struggle with. Anxoreia, PMDD, CPTSD... anyway.
I guess the dragon of depression woke up with age twelve, and I'm battling it since. Some days I wear well armor and have a sharp sword. Other days, I just let myself char in his flames. It's up and down. But I try.

It comes in phases. I am not actually here so often, except for when there is an emotional new moon, or waning moon, and life gets dark. I always want life for everyone though.
Happily, the moon of my life is currently waxing and growing in brightness and lightness. So I am doing alright.
I want to inspire a zeal for life others, mostly, and help them to stay strong.

 

[iwashere]

 

[FuneralCry]

For me my wish to permanently cease existing is a result of wanting true permanent peace from this existence I just always saw as the most terrible, cruel mistake that just causes all this harm and suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured and to suffer in this existence will just always be the most terrible abomination to me no matter what.

It's just so terrible and cruel how humans impose this existence in the first place and so many do all they can to force others to suffer for as much and as long as possible in this dreadful, futile existence that just causes all this cruelty and harm. I always suffer so much as a result of being trapped in this existence, all I want is to never exist again, I just hope to be permanently unconscious and finally at peace from this existence so torturous, for me non-existence is just all that could ever be positive in this existence that only ever tortures existing beings with existing beings in agony every second.