Venting Tell me to cut today

[plast1c_sk1n]

596 days clean
life is great
i have lots and lots of friends and im doing well & having fun at a prestigious school
i still want to die
what if they all actually hate me
nobody takes me seriously
im the one who can take a joke so they always joke about me
its just a joke but
what does everyone really think of me
"youre popular" "everyone likes you"
is that true?
arent i just loud
do they all hate me
do they all think im annoying
im not funny
im unbearable arent i
i want to cut
i really need to cut
please tell me to cut
please tell me to cut tonight

whenever i used to cut at night id regret it horribly the next morning when i realized id have to hide it again
so i started going to sleep whenever i got the urge
but i need to do work
i need to take a shower
i cant sleep yet
and i want to cut
if 1 person tells me to cut ill be so glad that i can blame someone else because im weak
please tell me to cut
596 days clean means nothing

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I can't speak to whether you should or shouldn't cut. Ultimately that's your call. I can't say whether you're loud or annoying, and i don't know your friends so I can't speak to if they're genuine. The only thing I can say, is that you do not seem weak. 596 days is a long time exactly because even on day 596 you still want to cut. If it was over after day 1, then 596 would really mean nothing. But you've been fighting this long, so if everyday is a battle, then everyday counts. And maybe that fight is worth it, or maybe it isn't. You must have had reasons for wanting to be clean, but you probably have reasons for wanting to relapse. Again, only you really know if it's worth it.

And we're both on a suicide forum, so we both probably have our doubts as to the value of fighting for a life we can be proud of. But even if the fight isn't worth it, even if right now you're thinking it's all pointless, that somehow after everything you still lost, the fight does prove one thing. It proves you're not weak.

(Also: on the sleep vs relapse tradeoff, it's worth considering whether a relapse will ultimately make you less productive in the longrun. Sleeping now might hurt your grade in the short term, but if it staves off a downward spiral, then it might be worth taking the hit. Again, only you know your limits, and how you'll be affected by either choice.)

 

[plast1c_sk1n]

I can't speak to whether you should or shouldn't cut. Ultimately that's your call. I can't say whether you're loud or annoying, and i don't know your friends so I can't speak to if they're genuine. The only thing I can say, is that you do not seem weak. 596 days is a long time exactly because even on day 596 you still want to cut. If it was over after day 1, then 596 would really mean nothing. But you've been fighting this long, so if everyday is a battle, then everyday counts. And maybe that fight is worth it, or maybe it isn't. You must have had reasons for wanting to be clean, but you probably have reasons for wanting to relapse. Again, only you really know if it's worth it.

And we're both on a suicide forum, so we both probably have our doubts as to the value of fighting for a life we can be proud of. But even if the fight isn't worth it, even if right now you're thinking it's all pointless, that somehow after everything you still lost, the fight does prove one thing. It proves you're not weak.

(Also: on the sleep vs relapse tradeoff, it's worth considering whether a relapse will ultimately make you less productive in the longrun. Sleeping now might hurt your grade in the short term, but if it staves off a downward spiral, then it might be worth taking the hit. Again, only you know your limits, and how you'll be affected by either choice.)

Thank you for your words. I really don't know anymore. I'm only still alive & clean because otherwise would hurt my parents too much. But I'm away from home right now and it's winter. If i cut in hidden places, nobody will know anyway. I don't know how badly I'd regret it. I was looking forwards to getting to celebrate 2 years. On Wednesday night I told myself I'd go to sleep and if I still wanted to cut the next day I would. But then the next day I remembered it was my sister's birthday & it didn't feel right to do something like that on her happy day so I told myself again I'd cut the next day if I still wanted to. Now it's the next day and I still want to cut. This morning I went out shopping & contemplated buying a knife for a while before talking myself out of it. I regret it now. I want to cut again. I have nothing to cut with. I don't know anymore. I wish I could just be normal & happy.

 

[cloudforecast]

I had a friend who used to cut constantly through our high-school years and after going through such a awful 4 years, they managed to go clean after and they are my most reliable and protective friend. Point is, they got "normal" after going through the worst of it and choosing to push past. Point is, if you desperately want to cut, then you should, but I'd encourage you to find a long term solution since cutting only fixes it in the short term; if you're worried about ruining your sister's day or what others might think of you / don't have anything to cut with, maybe you could find an equal alternative? I brought up my friend earlier because their main way to stop cutting was to change it to tweezing their arm hair (she was trans) but that way nobody would notice and judge her.

Whether or not you decide to go clean and try to work on yourself, you'll always have support here no matter what you choose. Plus, you're not annoying as far as I can tell, and strangers on the internet are always right lol

 

[Alex_Was_Here]

Reasonably no one on this form will or should tell you to cut, in my opinion. That has to be your call and no one here should even tell you to do it as a joke. Fuck whoever does, and stay strong. Keep that streak alive. I use to hurt myself as well but at the end of the day it doesn't actually achieve anything, for better or worse.

 

[plast1c_sk1n]

599 days
tomorrow ill be 600
i stopped myself from buying a knife again today
i told myself itll be too messy & i dont have proper bandages here
and its been too long, im not used to it anymore, it will hurt too much
i bought a pencil sharpener instead, good blades for less damage
sat down tonight to remove the blades from the sharpener
but no matter how hard i try the screws arent moving an inch
for 4 days straight now ive been desperately wanting to cut
i havent contemplated relapsing this much before
but things keep stopping me
maybe its a sign
who knows
what do i do
im only clean because people who care about me are hurt when they see my scars
but what if im more careful this time and hide it better
nobody will know and it will be okay
whats the point of 600 days anyway
maybe next time i will buy a knife after all
ahhh i dont want to be alive
its too hard


maybe safety scissors will do if i try hard enough

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I'm only still alive & clean because otherwise would hurt my parents too much.

im only clean because people who care about me are hurt when they see my scars

I think your empathy for the people who love you is a very admirable trait. I think your reasons for not doing it, the inconvenience, not being used to it, wanting to celebrate 2 years, all make a lot of sense. Again, I'm sure there are reasons why you want to cut that also feel like they make sense.

But if you truly feel the only reason you're not cutting is for your family, then I just want to say that I think you're a very good person for that. Staying clean from SH and staying alive for the people who love you might be one of the most selfless things a person can do. Because you're doing it to protect people, who ultimately don't know or understand how hard you're fighting, or why it's so hard. Like you can't go up to them and say "you should all be grateful I'm even still alive!" For obvious reasons. So it's a very lonely type of sacrifice to choose to live and to keep yourself safe for others.

So again I can't comment as to whether it's a good idea for you to relapse, but I can say that your reasons for wanting to stay clean seem very selfless. So I commend you for fighting so long for the sake of other people, no matter if or how you choose to keep fighting.

 

[theonethatsleeps]

599 days
tomorrow ill be 600
i stopped myself from buying a knife again today
i told myself itll be too messy & i dont have proper bandages here
and its been too long, im not used to it anymore, it will hurt too much
i bought a pencil sharpener instead, good blades for less damage
sat down tonight to remove the blades from the sharpener
but no matter how hard i try the screws arent moving an inch
for 4 days straight now ive been desperately wanting to cut
i havent contemplated relapsing this much before
but things keep stopping me
maybe its a sign
who knows
what do i do
im only clean because people who care about me are hurt when they see my scars
but what if im more careful this time and hide it better
nobody will know and it will be okay
whats the point of 600 days anyway
maybe next time i will buy a knife after all
ahhh i dont want to be alive
its too hard


maybe safety scissors will do if i try hard enough

Please tell us how you feel. Did you relapse?
You're so strong for getting to 600 days! And I mean that seriously.
Remember: even if you relapse, it'll be okay. We've all relapsed before. If you need to talk to anyone ever again, we're here. You can dm me if you want. (Although I don't exactly know how that works, since I'm new here.)

 

[cygnus1]

is anyone able to encourage me as well? ill help you out in any way using anything i own i really need help. please

 

[plast1c_sk1n]

So it's a very lonely type of sacrifice to choose to live and to keep yourself safe for others.

Thank you again for your kind words. This sentence really resonated with me. I'm so glad to know there are people who understand how I feel. You're very well spoken & seem like a very kind & thoughtful person. I hope you're doing alright as well.

Please tell us how you feel. Did you relapse?
You're so strong for getting to 600 days! And I mean that seriously.
Remember: even if you relapse, it'll be okay. We've all relapsed before. If you need to talk to anyone ever again, we're here. You can dm me if you want. (Although I don't exactly know how that works, since I'm new here.)

Thank you too, I didn't end up relapsing. It's 604 days now. Just 125 more days until 2 years. I had some good days this week and felt okay but it's one of those times again where any tiny thing is enough to make me consider it again. But it's kind of always one of those times. I feel every emotion so strongly it's upsetting. It feels as if it's amplified 100x compared to the average person. & all those strong emotions make my heart hurt. I can't even describe it but it's all too much. It all ends up stressing me out. I wish I could just think about nothing