Venting Tell me to cut today

[plast1c_sk1n]

596 days clean
life is great
i have lots and lots of friends and im doing well & having fun at a prestigious school
i still want to die
what if they all actually hate me
nobody takes me seriously
im the one who can take a joke so they always joke about me
its just a joke but
what does everyone really think of me
"youre popular" "everyone likes you"
is that true?
arent i just loud
do they all hate me
do they all think im annoying
im not funny
im unbearable arent i
i want to cut
i really need to cut
please tell me to cut
please tell me to cut tonight

whenever i used to cut at night id regret it horribly the next morning when i realized id have to hide it again
so i started going to sleep whenever i got the urge
but i need to do work
i need to take a shower
i cant sleep yet
and i want to cut
if 1 person tells me to cut ill be so glad that i can blame someone else because im weak
please tell me to cut
596 days clean means nothing

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I can't speak to whether you should or shouldn't cut. Ultimately that's your call. I can't say whether you're loud or annoying, and i don't know your friends so I can't speak to if they're genuine. The only thing I can say, is that you do not seem weak. 596 days is a long time exactly because even on day 596 you still want to cut. If it was over after day 1, then 596 would really mean nothing. But you've been fighting this long, so if everyday is a battle, then everyday counts. And maybe that fight is worth it, or maybe it isn't. You must have had reasons for wanting to be clean, but you probably have reasons for wanting to relapse. Again, only you really know if it's worth it.

And we're both on a suicide forum, so we both probably have our doubts as to the value of fighting for a life we can be proud of. But even if the fight isn't worth it, even if right now you're thinking it's all pointless, that somehow after everything you still lost, the fight does prove one thing. It proves you're not weak.

(Also: on the sleep vs relapse tradeoff, it's worth considering whether a relapse will ultimately make you less productive in the longrun. Sleeping now might hurt your grade in the short term, but if it staves off a downward spiral, then it might be worth taking the hit. Again, only you know your limits, and how you'll be affected by either choice.)