Venting i feel like an idiot all the time

[rayisnothereyet]

i feel that perhaps i yearn too much, and that's why im so miserable and depressed all the time. i see people around me with more friends, with better things,, seemingly doing better for themselves, and i want these things so badly, but i am my biggest worst enemy. i always ruin things for myself. i have always screwed things up i feel. im 18 years old, and i've only ever had one real, true friend i think. i love her so very much and i cherish her dearly. but she works a lot now, i rarely get to see her. back when we were in middle school, or before we started actually, i thought that i would die with her. but she's gotten better now. we were in almost identical situations, but she's improved herself and yet here i am still depressed and suicidal.

i feel so stupid already, wanting to die for 7-8 years feels so retarded genuinely. whenever i catch myself wanting to talk to someone about it, i think about how they'd think about it. they probably think im doing or saying it all for attention, that if i truly wanted to die i would have done it by now. but no, i am just a coward. not afraid of dying, but afraid of failing, as with every other thing. i don't know what to do now. i don't know what to make of my life. i wish i could just have someone do the damn thing for me, or if i could just fall asleep and finally be gone, to forget about everything. i really dont think i can take another year of this. i cant be a stupid pathetic suicidal cutter anymore. i can't be that.

i want to cut it all out, cut everything away, anything that's ever made me feel bad or upset or feel anything at all, i want to tear myself up, to shreds, like a piece of meat. i really can't take it anymore. my brain is going to kill me. this is the worst torment i feel. i would not wish these feelings on my worst enemy. but then again maybe i am being overdramatic. who knows.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

You're not yearning too much. To have friends, better things and situations, and get better is what you absolutely deserve. I'm sorry everything seems to go wrong. We are struggling with the same distress and staying here. I wish I could do something for you to relieve the pain. Sending a hug

 

[wtg]

i feel that perhaps i yearn too much, and that's why im so miserable and depressed all the time. i see people around me with more friends, with better things,, seemingly doing better for themselves, and i want these things so badly, but i am my biggest worst enemy. i always ruin things for myself. i have always screwed things up i feel. im 18 years old, and i've only ever had one real, true friend i think. i love her so very much and i cherish her dearly. but she works a lot now, i rarely get to see her. back when we were in middle school, or before we started actually, i thought that i would die with her. but she's gotten better now. we were in almost identical situations, but she's improved herself and yet here i am still depressed and suicidal.

i feel so stupid already, wanting to die for 7-8 years feels so retarded genuinely. whenever i catch myself wanting to talk to someone about it, i think about how they'd think about it. they probably think im doing or saying it all for attention, that if i truly wanted to die i would have done it by now. but no, i am just a coward. not afraid of dying, but afraid of failing, as with every other thing. i don't know what to do now. i don't know what to make of my life. i wish i could just have someone do the damn thing for me, or if i could just fall asleep and finally be gone, to forget about everything. i really dont think i can take another year of this. i cant be a stupid pathetic suicidal cutter anymore. i can't be that.

i want to cut it all out, cut everything away, anything that's ever made me feel bad or upset or feel anything at all, i want to tear myself up, to shreds, like a piece of meat. i really can't take it anymore. my brain is going to kill me. this is the worst torment i feel. i would not wish these feelings on my worst enemy. but then again maybe i am being overdramatic. who knows.

Wanting is hoping. The more you hope, the higher you fly, also the higher you fall.