Tell me about your double life

[lemonhoney]

It's so weird switching tabs on my computer. I go from this SS forum to texting people about pasta recipes. I'm looking at ways to die and then switch over to texting my sibling that I fed her cats and not to worry. I look at jobs or colleges and then look up how to OD.

How do y'all do it ?

 

[akirat9]

i not have double life as some hannah-montana
despair & suicidal attempt my life

 

[Sick of it all]

I figure while I'm alive I might as well be as productive as I can. I just started a new job today. I just don't know when my last day on earth will be. Sometimes it feels sooner than later. I'm also clearing my space, slowly. This is something I hope I can finish so if, and when, I decide to CTB then it leaves less for my loved ones to deal with.

 

[damaged_soul]

Oh man I totally feel this. It feels like I'm living a double life trying to hide my depression from everyone and pretending that I'm fine.

 

[Traveler VII]

The duality of most aspects of my life, including joining SS most recently, is far less emotionally jarring than it could be.

In some strange way, experiencing and accepting this duality is where I feel the most honest with myself.

 

[Jupit3rs]

It's odd sometimes... In one hand, I'm an university student struggling with everything... In the other hand, I'm looking for ways to end myself... Well, i already have my way, but I'm trying to decide when i will do it. I talk to my parents and I feel nothing, I guess im ready to go.

 

[dtjb]

I once browsed this forum while at a work event. I felt like a ghost, like I was in the same physical space as everyone else but not on the same plane of existence. It was a little surreal. I was also dissociating a lot during that time though so that contributed a lot.

--

And I do feel bad sometimes making commitments to my family and particularly to my best friend that I'm also secretly hoping that I'm not actually around to honor. It def feels like I'm leading a double life. Yet, when I try to pull away from them so I'm not doing that, they make me feel guilty about that too. Nothing is right.

 

[Looking4Answers]

I figure while I'm alive I might as well be as productive as I can. I just started a new job today. I just don't know when my last day on earth will be. Sometimes it feels sooner than later. I'm also clearing my space, slowly. This is something I hope I can finish so if, and when, I decide to CTB then it leaves less for my loved ones to deal with.

I very much echo this sentiment, i want my passing to be as little trouble as possible just like what they will have to deal with after

 

[highmaintenancebolt]

I'm a university student and in my third year. Getting pretty good grades too. My parents think everything is fine lol. I am just playing along and pretending everythings fine until I get my shotgun. It's not hard to pretend everythings fine when you've never had friends and spent your entire life in your room on the computer. My parents just accept it as normal even though I think for most people being isolated like that would be a red flag that something is wrong. Being isolated for 22 years has f****d my brain. I am mentally f****d in the head lmao. Or that's what I think most people would think if they knew the stuff I think about. Personally I feel like I am the only sane person on this planet and its everybody else who is insane. We live in a clown world where believing in a magic sky daddy is ok and normal but wanting to end your suffering is "mental illness". Lol.

 

[Tiny Little Tree]

I'm definitely on here while having fun with friends in discord call or something

 

[Forever Sleep]

I remember in that documentary 'The Bridge', when they were talking about Gene Sprague, they seemed amazed that he had some job related thing quite recently before he jumped. Either starting a new job, submitting an application or an interview- can't quite remember. Anyhow- I found their reaction peculiar. I expect a lot of people are 'functioning' suicidal members of society. Think they have this perception that showing any kind of interaction with regular life things means you are OK or- even more ridiculously (to my mind) have a reason to carry on. You can bet the job wasn't something he actually wanted to do!

I suppose my double life is my job. I thankfully work from home- so I'm spared putting on a brave face in front of people most of the time but my workload at the moment is enormous when really, all I want to do is curl up in the corner and die.

 

[chloramine]

My whole life is basically a series of "in case I don't die". I don't really care or want to do most of what I do, but I really don't want people asking questions or for things to spiral more and more. There's a decent amount of compartmentalization.

 

[SamTam33]

I feel like a fraud when I wave to my neighbor as I make my way to the mailbox.

Or when I try to keep up with the small talk at the checkout counter.

If they only knew the strength it took to drive there, they'd allow me to preserve my energy and not chat with me. I still need to make it back home FFS.

Since I've quit my job, that's the extent of my double life.

But I do fill out job applications. Religiously, to no avail. At this point I wish I'd been able to keep up the pretenses long enough to stay at my old job. But my real life was beginning to collide with my fake life and I didn't want to have a public breakdown.

I guess you could say I'm in the process of trying to build my double life back up. That shit is harder than just maintaining the one you already have.

Word of advice: don't quit your job unless you're absolutely sure you're going to CTB in the next 48 hours.

 

[lionetta12]

It's so weird switching tabs on my computer. I go from this SS forum to texting people about pasta recipes. I'm looking at ways to die and then switch over to texting my sibling that I fed her cats and not to worry. I look at jobs or colleges and then look up how to OD.

How do y'all do it ?

Most of my friends know that I'm on this forum and of my account so I don't have to feel like I'm hidding or living a double life. It feels reliefing to be able to be fully open with everyone that matters.

 

[hopelessgirl]

I'm a university student and in my third year. Getting pretty good grades too. My parents think everything is fine lol. I am just playing along and pretending everythings fine until I get my shotgun. It's not hard to pretend everythings fine when you've never had friends and spent your entire life in your room on the computer. My parents just accept it as normal even though I think for most people being isolated like that would be a red flag that something is wrong. Being isolated for 22 years has f****d my brain. I am mentally f****d in the head lmao. Or that's what I think most people would think if they knew the stuff I think about. Personally I feel like I am the only sane person on this planet and its everybody else who is insane. We live in a clown world where believing in a magic sky daddy is ok and normal but wanting to end your suffering is "mental illness". Lol.

This was so well written! Thank you for sharing your words!

 

[MidnightDream]

I feel that. I've currently got a uni lecture playing on one pc, and catching up with threads on another. My husband knows I'm on this site but doesn't want anything to do with it (he finds the concept quite triggering, to each their own ig) so I always quickly tab out whenever he's around simply out of respect for him. Its like the hannah montana of suicide lmfao

 

[hopelessgirl]

My boyfriend knows my username on SS but he never read my posts. I have currently a method (SN) but I am not sure I want anymore or if I would ever have the strength to do it. But I am currently not working.

 

[thebunny]

i feel you. my double life goes from preparing everything i need for my ctb plan and being on sasu for almost half of the day to being an A+ student, a hardworking design intern, and a perfect daughter and friend. it's crazy how i'm living lives who's at both ends of the spectrum. however, we all have to decide which life we want to settle in at the end of the day — and guess which life i'm choosing soon.

 

[chuchunchy]

I am a lot more expressive online, well- in the sense that I'm more open to talk about my attempts and my destructive behaviors. In real life I am more closed off and a people pleaser.

 

[NeedAnEscape]

It's a night and day difference, (quite literally.) During the daytime, I do everything that's expected of me. I put on a facade of happiness and humor to cope with my repressed feelings. I cannot express the depths of my emotions because I know it would lead to unnecessary harm and worry. Usually, I come back here at night, when it's quieter and I cannot be interrupted by various distractions. It does feel like a 'double life' when, in truth, the urges are still with me, regardless of the time.

 

[Grave]

My whole life is basically a series of "in case I don't die".

I feel this deeply, everything I am building for myself I am only doing in case I am unable to overcome SI and ctb.

 

[Adûnâi]

The fact that I don't divide my "lives" leads me to posting female domination on the incel Discord, and Chinese supremacy on the American 4chan. I'm genuinely not trolling. After all, it also led to me to argue _against_ suicide to that one girl even though I'm an unironic pro-mortalist (a new word for me, exactly radical to my liking).

My parents think everything is fine lol. I am just playing along and pretending everythings fine until I get my shotgun.

That sounds deliciously epic. I wish I were born (umm, yikes?) American precisely for that same reason. And the girl concurs. (Talking about the girl feels rather schizo of me, as if I have an imaginary friend, but it's just the only real event of my life since 2014.)

 

[stuckinfiction]

I work an office job and look like I have my shit together. But when I come home or go into the toilet, I start looking at SaSu.

 

[MelancholyDolly]

I'm a goodie two shoes who's quiet and gentle. I like drawing and fashion and no one understands why I dropped out of highschool because "you were doing so well though?"

Nobody knows the real me, I'm not a sweet person at all. I try to be and everytime I do I end up disappointing myself. I'm a mean angry bitch who breaks shit when I get too overwhelmed with frustration.

I like loud punk rock music and I absolutely hate people who spend all their time retweeting and talking about how to improve the world!! The world is always gonna suck, just ctb like the rest of us and get off your high horse acting like you matter in the grand scheme of things, none of us do. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

 

[achb]

It doesn't really feel like a double life to me. Just something private I don't want to share.

Ppl close to me know I struggle mentally. They may not know I'm on a suicide forum, but they don't really need to.

I keep separate parts of my life separate. People at work don't know my personal life. Friends don't really know my dating life. Etc etc. I mean, people on SaSu definitely don't know much about any of my life either haha.

For me it's just one of those things. That they don't need to be involved in.

 

[vanilladust]

Honestly if people knew what I thought of myself, truly, they'd feel terrible. Not because they did anything but because they wonder how a person could hate themselves so much. I got a triple life right now. Praying to Santa Muerte, being depressed on here and looking at methods, and then acting like I want to go to school next fall and part of me wants to go to mortuary school but I don't know if I'll be alive by then.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I joked about being glad that I'm not a turkey with my family earlier today, then went straight to wishing that I actually was one.

 

[haibane]

I find it exhausting. Constantly trying to hide how depressed i am and how much i want to die. It feel like im not even myself most of the time, and that make it even more exhausting.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

I don't know if it's a double life.

Everyone close enough to me knows I've gone off the deep end. The only difference is now I'm trying to cover up how bad it is. Like filling a glass with a hole in the bottom. They see me filling the glass, but don't know it's practically empty.

So maybe I'm starting a double life to try and spare them from the horrible things I want to be done to me. The problem is that I'm a very honest person, and even trying to hide it from them makes me hate myself more.

 

[sad_rock]

i feel guilty about it.. on the surface it looks like im recovering and going back to normal when in reality it's not the case. i keep up with my appearance so to hide my mental illness around strangers and family; it's working i guess. family gathering i was regularly thinking about how i will ctb after looking "fine" and how that will surprise people in a negative way. i lied about getting better and no longer needing treatment when i already gave up. people like me are better off dead than continue existing to bring pain to others